


Plans

by ruruie



Series: Love Lost, Love Found [1]
Category: Cyberpunk 2077 (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Depression, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Fluff, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, References to Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Relationships, Unrequited Love, because I cannot help but be indulgent, but can be a standalone thing if you like, but not in the Johnny, he gets there though, however, if you want the happy ending that's in the other fic, kindness is stored in the V, no happy ending, oh look who's back at it again, things do not start off great for these two for sure, this is a prequel to my other fic, with the prequel fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-18 11:14:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 44,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28742322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ruruie/pseuds/ruruie
Summary: "Misery made strange bedfellows out of them, but if that’s what it took to come to terms with what was happening to her, then so be it. Things weren't going to get any better for V, certainly weren't looking great for Johnny either. But, making the best of a bad situation lands them in a place of understanding. Rotten work for sure, but then again that's all V ever did."Prequel to "And All That Could Have," but can be read alone if so desired!
Relationships: Johnny Silverhand/Female V
Series: Love Lost, Love Found [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2107218
Comments: 103
Kudos: 167





	1. Bad Reputation

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So! As it states, this is a prequel fic, so if you've read the other fic then hey! Welcome back! And enjoy seeing things that were referenced in the other fic and things that shed light on certain actions taken in that fic. If you haven't read the other fic then fear not, this still makes sense as is :3 
> 
> The story will be told in snippets, the pieces follow the in game timeline (or one that works in game but suits my needs best, you'll see what I'm talking about). Also, the fic is centered around the Death Cab for Cutie album "Plans," so each chapter title is a song from the album. Anyway, I hope you enjoy chapter one and what comes next <3

The curtain fell on Act 1 of V’s life with a bang. Glitching into darkness as the bullet cracked open her skull, she was left to lie there in a heap until she was unceremoniously dragged from the clutches of decay and filth, only to be used as a weapon for a man she didn’t know. No matter the cost of it all, he did save her life, and so having to be slapped around and start off her first waking moments shooting people that were chasing them was fine. It was fine. 

What was not fine was how Act 2 ushered in a new antagonist. One that she was horribly, horribly against having near her at any moment in time. Her gut reaction to seeing Johnny’s memories was fear. She told Vik such when he looked over her, more worried than she had ever seen him, unsure of what was happening to her and why. And in her fear, she tried to run – escape what was going on. Johnny was not kind to her, and the blood on her window was proof of that. Threatened to kill her, screaming that he needed to get out. The same fear as her. 

However, just as she found kinship with the other denizens of Night City – among their ranks for sure – that did not mean she had to like them. In fact, thanks to the demon in her head, she only had two people she could call ‘chooms’ in any sense, down from three. Everyone else was there for business. And Johnny was not her ‘choom.’ They were on opposing sides, fighting for the same thing, and V was determined to win. She would live when it came down to the wire, and he would fuck off back to the void from whence he came. Misty may have been right when she said that she and Johnny were two souls, but V was no stranger to death. Left it in her wake.

And now this asshole wants to help her? Fuck that shit. 

“There is no ‘us’!” Storming out of Tom’s Diner, she thought he was done tormenting her for the moment, but V was never that lucky. She really wished she had brought those Omega blockers from Misty with her, wanting nothing more than to shut his ass up. 

“Sorry, princess, but you don’t get the luxury of shuttin’ me up. You gonna head to the Afterlife or not? ‘Cause, way I see it, either you go to Rogue or you get on your knees and suck some corpo co --”

Winding up her fist to deck him, she stopped, realizing that if she connected with what was actually beside her that she’d get an assault charge. Poor man running from her as fast as he could, V kept walking, hands shoved in her pockets to resist the urge to beat the shit out of her brain tumor. 

“Oh, feisty. Like ‘em with a little bite. Too bad you’re wound up so tense. No amount of fuckin’ could set you straight.” 

“You got a point to this little rant, or are you just gonna keep sexually harassin’ me?”

Cigarette smoke filled her senses, tasting the faint hints in her mouth. Somewhere along the way Johnny’s engram learned to smoke. Great. 

“My point is you need to get your ass to the Afterlife.”

“What? So you can take over my body in there and use it to fuck your last input? No thanks, asshole. You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna go home, take a pill, and sort through my options. Talk with Takemura shed some light on a few things, and if I’m honest, I’d rather make my own path instead of goin’ down some road you want me to.”

Defiance. That’s all she had to her right now. Not much else that she could hold near and dear. 

“Your little corpo buddy is the one who suggested her, you cunt. Said ‘all roads lead to the Afterlife’ and he was fuckin’ right.” Glitching in front of her, she stopped, glaring at him like if she squinted hard enough he would just fade away. “’Sides, you and I both want the same thing. To get me outta your fuckin’ skull. ‘Cause, gotta say, V, ain’t too cozy in there.” 

“You act like your head is any better.” Walking past him, she hopped in the car she drove to the diner – a beater for sure, but a car nonetheless – turning the ignition a few times before it started. “And no, Johnny, we don’t want the same thing. Far as I know, you still want me dead so that you can go nuke another fuckin’ ‘Saka Tower. New one they built is real fuckin’ preem. Sure you’d love to knock it down.” 

“I told you, don’t want you dead.” The fucker appeared in her passenger seat, legs up on the dashboard. She oh so wished he was real. With no seat belt on she could slam on the breaks and his legs would snap like toothpicks if he didn’t fly out the windshield first. 

“Somehow, Johnny, I don’t trust you.”

~~~~

“And lookie here, Johnny. Which one of us made the right call, huh? Shoulda just not gone barrelin’ into the Afterlife.” Pushing past the people trying to get into the club, V raced up the steps, hoping she could somehow outrun Johnny. Fate was never on her side, clearly. Form leaned against her car, he kept smoking, holding the cigarette in his fingers when he took a pause. 

“Fuckin’ Christ, and here I thought I was a pessimist and a cynic. Said you needed eddies. Just go get ‘em.” 

V deadpanned, standing there, looking like her car somehow killed her cat. “You realize...I’m poor as shit. Can’t just call up fixers and expect preem jobs. I’m a bottom feeder, unlike you. Don’t have a stable of fangirls willin’ to throw their last enny at me. So,” throwing up her hands, it was back in the car for her.

“Goin’ with what I wanted to do originally. Find Evelyn Parker.” She had a few ideas on how to do so, and she’d exhaust every lead until Evelyn was found. The woman did her no favors, not by a long shot, but if she could help then V could leverage that to get something from her. 

Peeling off for Lizzie’s, she saw Johnny appear in her passenger seat again, same relaxed position. Even though it was just a construct, V didn’t like riding in a car with a silent passenger. It always reminded her of shady jobs, where one party was clearly hiding something. 

“Feel nice seein’ Rogue?” 

“What, we buddies now? Sorry, V, thought we weren’t. Told me in Tom’s. So you can fuck right off with that shit. Either stay mad at me or don’t. And, I can tell you still think I’m gonna kill you. Let’s not waste our time havin’ a heart to heart if you’re just gonna keep bein’ a cunt.”

If he was going to make this difficult then she would stop. Not her job to coax him out and talk to her, no matter how uncomfortable the silence made her feel. And, if she was honest, she was still mad at him, so she supposed acting like it wouldn’t be a fucking problem. 

“Alright, fine. Fuck off, dickwipe, and get your fuckin’ feet off the dash.” At her last comment, Johnny glitched away, settling into her mind. The sensation of it was strange, almost like a lingering headache that sat behind the ears. A tingle that just never went away. Always buzzing. 

Then, he was back. The mood changed, and his tone of voice changed with it.

“It was nice seein’ Rogue, yeah. Gotta say, was never into older women before, but damn. Kinda looks better than she did 50 years back.” 

Rolling her eyes, she regretting even asking him. But, she was at least thankful for a car ride that wasn’t silent, even if dealing with Johnny was giving her emotional whiplash.

~~~~

All running around through Clouds got her was Johnny taunting her about being bisexual along with other unwelcome commentary, an impromptu therapy session, a feud with the Woodman fucker, and getting her ass laid out on the street from a Relic malfunction. And he had the audacity to sound concerned? Oh fuck him!

“Jesus...the fuck do you want from me!?”

The slam from the stool made her jump. V wasn’t sure if that was something he conjured or something he could actually move. Either way, she felt that familiar fear creep back in. 

“It’s all goin’ too slow. Gonna decomish before we learn how to rip the chip out.”

“Wanted me dead! Said so yourself.” Face behind Aviators, she couldn’t tell what he was feeling. Their minds touched, blended together, but it seemed to be a one way street, hearing nothing coming from him knowing well he heard everything from her.

The fear came back. 

All she got shackled with was his memories, and he got to live within her, take her over. 

Fear. 

“Made it pretty clear since that I changed my mind. Want you to live now.” The Aviators off, she looked into his eyes. And still, he was unreadable, nothing showing through. Maybe it was the lack of light in the street, but V didn’t think so. 

Through gritted teeth, she pressed on. “Asked you already...what the hell ya want from me?” The pain in her head was slowly getting overshadowed by fear, and like a cornered animal, she wanted so badly to fight back. But all she could do was cower. 

He leaned in, and V jumped back. “I got a get-outta-jail-free card. I’d be a fuckin’ fool not to take advantage.” The light on the cigarette made her jump again, everything becoming too much. “See, me an’ Arasaka, we got a half-century-old score that needs settlin’, and I plan to do it. That’s what I need you for.” 

The fake companionship. Of course. Not like she expected much else, but the little talk in the car? The witty banter (however unwelcome)? Dropped her guard for a moment. No longer. Not with him. Walls up. Cover it with sarcasm. Go back into the shell. No more fear. No more vulnerability. 

“Never been recruited into a terrorist cell before. Feel kinda honored, actually.” The Relic was making her voice come out shaky, but she think she managed well. 

“Listen, I know things, where we can save your life, who can help us do that. You’ll get rid of the chip, I’ll smash ‘Saka – win-win kid.” 

More things were said, but she was set off. Teeth pressed harder, she thought her jaw was going to crack. “Don’t. Call. Me. Kid.” Only Vik could call her that. He couldn’t. 

“Put your fuckin’ hackles down. Fine, I’ll just stick to ‘cunt’ ‘n ‘princess.’ Happy?” Shoulders lowering, she nodded, clear that at least somewhere he had enough sense not to get her that pissed off. 

“Good. Like I said, don’t want you dead. Look like you’re ‘bout to pop a blood vessel in that sponge-brain of yours. Hear what I said ‘bout Mikoshi?” 

V shook her head, not trusting her mouth to be polite enough to hear him out. Going on, he discussed getting into the database and a woman named Alt Cunningham. Coughing again, she spit the blood on the ground, hands on her knees to try and stand. Body unresponsive, she looked at the red liquid she spit, hate boiling inside her. Fuck she was so pissed. And so – 

No. She was done with fear. Time to get up. 

“Here,” a hand touched her. Helping her up, Johnny’s body didn’t feel quite real, but its affect on her certainly was. On her feet, he turned from her, another cigarette between his lips. Seems she’d constantly be smelling smoke now. 

“Call that bitch who made you feel a little mushy inside. You need to unwind, and she wants to know what happened to Evelyn. Another win-win.” 

But that was the thing, wasn’t it? She didn’t feel like a fucking winner.


	2. Your Heart is an Empty Room

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where my time shenanigans start. Which like, all are technically possible in game, and my first playthrough went a little something like this. So it made the emotional whiplash of all the Johnny stuff hit me harder, but I will go full depth character analysis later, this ain't the chapter for it

For V, it seemed calling Judy always led to some mistakes. Calling on her initially led to Johnny being shoved in her head. Calling her now led them to punching the shit out of some guy called “Fingers.” And now, she was talking to her, trying to find a way to comfort a person she barely knows over the disappearance of a friend. 

Something about the whole thing reached inside her, pulled out the compassion she felt for others, bringing it back to the forefront of who she was. Just because she had Johnny, rockerboy terrorist inside her, didn’t mean she had to be like him. She wasn’t him. 

She needed to hold onto that. 

“Don’t worry. We’ll find her, I know it.”

“We’ll fuckin’ find what’s left of her butchered corpse.” 

The idea sent chills down V’s spine, but she knew that Judy was likely right. If Evelyn was sent off, it probably wasn’t going to end well. Coming in closer, she put her hand on Judy’s back, and the girl leaned into her touch. 

“Judy, hey...We’ll...bring her back.” Her voice wasn’t convincing, but maybe her touch was. Judy nodded, a small smile on her lips. They discussed the XBD lead, letting Judy walk off after and leave V to go find it. 

“Well, well, well. You do have a heart.” Johnny glitched into the space that Judy occupied, leaning against the railing with his arms crossed. 

“What? Jealous I’m not that nice to you?” Pit viper she was, the venom seeped into her words from the space behind her eyes, glaring into him once again. 

“Me? Fuck no. If you were ever that nice to me then I’d probably be five seconds from a breakdown.”

“So, you think I can only be nice to people who are about to break? I’m hurt, really.” Walking down the stairs, she needed to find the BD dealer, find a BD from the people who have Evelyn, scan it, and grab the girl. With Judy’s help, it would be easy as pie. 

“Things are never that easy, V. Again, remind me why we’re lookin’ for this whore?” Right. Johnny could read her thoughts. She had to watch herself. 

“’Cause, whoever hired her could be the answer to our little problem. And, if she was sold off...I don’t wish that fate on anyone.” Walking down the street, she found the store she needed, dipping in, Johnny offering one last piece of advice. 

“Fine, but you’re not gonna like what you find. Better prepare yourself for that.” 

~~~~

Any Scav den is a bad Scav den, but V thought this might be the worst she’s seen. A torture house for BD snuff films. Oh, and a drug ring. Just combine the two worst things about Night City, and bam! Scav den. After carrying Evelyn out of there, dropping her off with Judy who needed time to get the recordings out of her brain, V needed to unwind. Making sure Judy was okay, she left, scrambling to the nearest store to grab a bottle of tequila. Item in hand, she drove her ass out of Night City, parking her car out in the Badlands. Headlights still on, she sat on the roof of the car, opening the bottle. 

“Here ya go...” She poured out a shot on the ground, an honor to a late friend.

“Don’t have any chooms you can drink with? Fuckin’ sad.” A sigh, and she turned to look at her parasite, finding him lounging on the roof of her car with his legs open. She didn’t feel like dignifying that remark with a response, looking at the sand illuminated by the headlights. 

Before everything, she did have a lot of chooms. They’d come out here to drink, far away from prying eyes. Sometimes they would light a fire, and she smiled at the memory of a real good choom of hers throwing a bottle of lighter fluid into the fire, almost killing them all. Instead, it just set the already dry brush on fire, and they had to dip before it got worse. Thankfully, the sand stopped the fire before it spread too far. When the news picked up the story, each of them made a pact to never speak of it again, lest they get in trouble. 

“So, you came out here to drink shitty vodka and smoke shitty weed. Real classy. Still don’t see why you can’t just hit up chooms. Saw that Misty chick. Seems like the type of bitch to come out here and get high on ayahuasca, which is always a good time. And those people in your memories. Hit ‘em up.” 

V took a swig from the bottle, grimacing, then took another swig. She hated tequila so fucking much, but she wasn’t drinking it for taste. “’M not callin’ Misty out here. She’s dealin’ with enough. And...can’t hit up the others...” 

“And why’s that?”

“Most of ‘em are dead. Killed someway or another. The ones that aren’t hate my guts. Left ‘em to rot while I became a hot shot merc. So, Johnny, you’re the only witness to my little pity party. Congrats to you.” 

“You’re fuckin’ sad, V.” 

He was right. She was pretty damn sad, both emotionally and in life. But, that was fine. She could be sad for a bit – inevitable death did that to people – and she doubted she could make a happy little life for herself in a few weeks. 

“Oh, and listened to shit music while you danced with those gonks? You needed a better childhood.” 

Quarter way down the bottle, she started to feel the alcohol a little too much. Capping it, she threw it into the backseat, getting into the driver’s to go back to the city. Not like anyone would notice she was driving drunk, the city always looked like everyone was at risk of getting a DUI. 

“Nuh-uh. No way, princess. You better sleep this shit off.” Appearing in front of her, how he squeezed his lanky body to sit on her steering wheel was beyond her. Then again, he didn’t really have bones. 

“Move, Johnny. I gotta get the eddies for Rogue, right? Doin’ shit for Judy didn’t net me much, so I gotta --” 

“Oh, come on! You’re tellin’ me I gotta play impulse control!? Get in the backseat and go to sleep. Take a fuckin’ nap. Or don’t. No skin off my back. You end your life then I get your body.” Fading away, V had to admit he was kinda right. She shouldn’t be driving. 

But, it was also funny that the guy who reminisced about taking all the drugs found in that Scav den was trying to be her impulse control. 

Climbing into the back, she fished out whatever she could to substitute a blanket and a pillow. Suitable replacements acquired, she took a nap, constant buzzing in the back of her head quieting as she slept. 

~~~~

“I really don’t get you, V.” 

Sitting there with the monk she saved from Maelstrom, she tried not to look too annoyed, not wanting the monk to think she was mad at him. The monk left, V staying behind to make sure he got out safely. Finally alone, she looked at the pest. 

“Alright, what action of mine are you criticizin’ now?” 

“No specific action, but you’re a fuckin’ hypocrite. Which, gotta say, might be your worst trait.” 

Rolling her eyes, she stood up, stepping over the unconscious bodies around her. Making her way out of the little space, she took out her holo, checking to see how many eddies she had. After working most of the day she was getting close to being able to pay Rogue. 

“Enlighten me. How am I hypocrite?” This she had to hear. As far as she was concerned, it didn’t matter much if she contradicted herself. Nothing made much sense anymore anyway. 

“Two streets down you stuck that little pistol of yours right up to some Maelstromer’s head and pulled the trigger, no second thoughts. Now you left a bunch of passed out chrome freaks to wake up and wonder how they even got there in the first place? So, V, which is it? Angel of mercy or demon of death?” If he wasn’t being so damn annoying she might have pointed out how utterly cringe that last part was.

“You know, I don’t see how that’s hypocritical. The guy asked me to spare their lives, and I did. It’s called respect, and you could use some. The way you talk ‘bout people? Makes me question whether or not you were even human.”

For whatever reason, that made him laugh – a full body laugh. “Oh, I was as ‘ganic as they came! Well, mostly. Nah, other reason you’re a fuckin’ hypocrite is you’re so caught up in savin’ the world, but you can’t even save yourself. Makes me question whether you even want to.” 

Her stomach tightened, and she turned. Walked away from that conversation. Another job.

~~~~

It was a simple thing. A man playing guitar outside of the Cherry Blossom Market for some eddies. Seemed to her like every other musician in the city, if she was being honest. But, that’s not how Johnny saw it. For V, it was the first time she saw him do anything that resembled being a genuine person. 

“Listen to that guy. How’d you rate his chops?” 

“To my untrained ear, sounds alright I guess. Easy listenin’ at least.” Which, it was. Guy wasn’t the best, sure, but it was nice to hear. Broke up the sounds of sirens and screaming. 

Johnny nodded, waving his arm around as he spoke. “Know why? Technique’s second-rate. But, the feeling – that’s what counts.” His little remark made her smile, nodding her head. “Guy’s hurtin’, got somethin’ he can’t take. And it shows.” 

Narrowing her eyes, V looked Johnny up and down for the first time. Really looked at him. Maybe it was his influence on her brain, maybe it was her penchant for trying to see the best in people when she could, but she didn’t think he was just talking about the guy playing the guitar. But, she figured she’d best hold her tongue on that one. 

He kept going on about the guy, talking about his stage presence and why that’s important. Then, a thought occurred to her. She saw his life. Saw who he was. But not all of it. Just bits and pieces coming in while she sat idle, dreamed, or had a rough time. 

“That how you got your start? Street busker with big dreams?” 

“Don’t make me laugh!” And there was Silverhand again, back with the megalomania. “No time for playin’ my way to the top. Was too busy shakin’ the world awake.” Scratched his dick to punctuate that, and V felt the annoyance rise again. But, she kinda understood where he was coming from. 

Before this whole thing, her goal was to be on top of the world. She wasn’t going to get there by being nothing short of her own version of a nuke in Arasaka Tower. She didn’t want to be like him – didn’t want her name to be associated with something so horrible. When the world looked at Johnny, it was with contempt, and V wanted to be admired. 

“Bein’ at the top can be worth it. Wanna shake the world, ya know...World’s gotta feel you first.” 

“And you pay for it.” Again, he droned on, but V didn’t listen. She was stuck on the price she already had to pay for her lofty dreams. What more would she have to pay? Given everything, she supposed it would her sense of self. And that fear was back, gnawing at her. 

Push it down. 

She asked about the Samurai bootlegs. She made a joke about being a fangirl. Back on track. Running around the market, she found the bootlegs, but not without having to rely on Johnny to give her partly accurate information. But, she got what they were looking for. 

A smile on his face. A genuine smile. 

And she smiled back. 

“You wanna watch ‘em?” Not like she couldn’t just watch the concerts through his memories, but she guessed that maybe he deserved something that wasn’t all bad. 

“Got tech to play ‘em?” 

Shit. She did not.

“Don’t answer, I can already tell you don’t. Fine, I’ll settle for somethin’ else. You’re ‘bout to go off and do more shit for the remainin’ eddies, right? Music vendor,” his head leaned to the left, and V’s eyes followed the direction, “go grab some Samurai CDs and pop ‘em in that fuckin’ car of yours. Listen to the band on the way. Could learn somethin’ ‘bout rebellion. Wanna make it to the top, V?” 

She nodded, still having that in the back of her mind. If anything, it gave her a reason to keep going if all hope seemed lost. There was always the possibility she wouldn’t make it out of this alive. Going out with a bang might be her only option to make a name for herself. 

“Then you’re gonna need some guidance. Couldn’t rebel your way outta a paper bag. Grab ‘em and let’s go.” 

~~~~

“Look, everyone knows Samurai. Everyone knows Johnny Silverhand. Fuck, everyone knows every band member. Kinda hard not to when you guys really did some crazy ass shit in this city. All I’m sayin’ is I’ve never listened to Samurai before. Not really my taste.” 

“Changed my mind again. Gonna kill you.” 

V laughed that time, the threat having no punch. 

“Are you actually fuckin’ mad that I didn’t listen to your band? I’ve heard ‘Chippin’ In’ if that makes you feel better.” She had to bite her lower lip to try and not laugh, amused that Johnny was so hurt that she didn’t really vibe with Samurai. 

“No, that makes it worse. Means you heard our most popular song – what people consider the best – and still don’t like us.”

A laugh escaped her, teeth still holding onto her bottom lip, but her composure completely broke when Johnny took off his Aviators to fully glare at her. Fleeting glimpses of a man’s humanity, and she was laughing at it. The true human experience. 

And it made her feel better after the business with Evelyn. 

~~~~

Oh yeah. Getting Judy on the holo was never good. Always led to something she thought of as a mistake. But if she thought Judy brought bad luck, she can’t imagine how awful Judy felt about it all. Looking at Evelyn made her stomach turn, and V felt terrible for her. She didn’t deserve this, and had she had some foresight, she might have pushed for Evelyn to be safer when this was all over. Did call her before.

They had a BD to scan. Doing so yielded them with another lead, but V wasn’t ready to bite the hook yet. Not if the VDB’s were involved. For once, she wanted to go see Rogue and pay preem eddies for another service, if only to avoid walking herself to Pacifica and going down another dangerous rabbit hole. Not when she felt horrible.

She should check on Judy first before she leaves. 

“You uh...need any help with Evelyn? Might be a little pressed for time, but takin’ care of someone is hard work, and --”

“Thanks, V. But no, I don’t need help with Evie. You’re helpin’ enough. Least, I got it for right now.” The kitchen they were in was small, but V couldn’t help but find her a bit lucky that she even had one. 

“Alright, yeah. Gonna get those fuckers, I mean it. If nothin’ else but to give you some peace of mind. Want a hug?” Sure, she asked Judy, but V figured she was in need of one too. But Judy just shook her head, sad smile on her face.

“Can I...can I call if I do end up needin’ anythin’?” Judy was in pain, and V wanted so hard to reach out. No one deserved to be alone in all this pain. Watch someone they cared about suffer. Shot the poor girl the best soft smile she could muster.

“Of course. Anytime for anythin’. I’ll be here.”

Walking out into the rain, V leaned over the railing, throwing up the sparse contents of her stomach. Forehead pressed to the railing, arms hanging over, she shook, trying hard not to cry. She thought she got over what happened in the Scav den, but seeing Evelyn’s body again was just…

“Offerin’ help when you’re like this? Fuck, V. Thinkin’ I’m right when I said you don’t even wanna save yourself. What’s the benefit in helpin’ Judy?” 

“We got what we needed from Evelyn, didn’t we? Know why the VDBs wanted your engram, why Evelyn was even hired. Seems helpin’ Judy got us somewhere. Now, I’m gonna look at other leads to --”

“Not what I mean.” 

Turning her head, the rain was still coming down hard, her hair soaked and sticking to her. “Then what do you mean? Spit it out.” 

“Why offer to look after that wh – Evelyn if you’re not up to it. What’s the point in that shit?” Another cigarette between his lips and she regrets she didn’t smoke one before walking into Judy’s place. But, that would be giving into Johnny’s influence, and she wasn’t going to do that.

“Dunno. Prolly ‘cause I know what it’s like to go through shit like that alone. Don’t feel like puttin’ a similar misery onto others.”

“Fuckin’ Christ. Go home, V. Take a hot shower. Then, we go see Rogue when you’re ready. That’s what you wanted to do next, right?” 

Standing up straight, V looked at him, pushing the wet strands of hair away from her face. Recoiled, she bit back, “Why the concern for me? What’s the point in that?” 

He scoffed, throwing the cigarette down and stomping it. Eyes plain to her, his stare burned into her. “Dunno. Prolly ‘cause I know what it’s like to go through shit like this alone.” By his tone, she would have assumed he was mocking her, but there was truth in it. She knew there was. 

~~~~

Hot shower taken, V sat on her bed, legs hanging off the side. She was alone, in a sense, Johnny not appearing near her and not really buzzing around in her head. It felt weird to be alone now, and she decided to take a gamble. 

“Hey, Johnny.” 

He materialized on command, sitting on her couch, feet propped up on her coffee table. Silent, he looked at her with an eyebrow quirked up. 

“Can you...Where ya from?” 

She didn’t know what to say to him. How do you get to know someone like this? It wasn’t natural. They didn’t meet at a bar or on a job, didn’t even meet randomly waiting for the metro. A crash landing into each other lives, and right now he’s all she had to keep from letting her thoughts get to her. 

“Really, V? You called me outta your head for this stupid shit? And where’s the hatred gone? You’ve been pretty fuckin’ chummy with me recently.” 

V shrugged, swallowing down her sorrow to speak. “Kinda getting used to the fact you’re here in my head. That I’m prolly gonna die.” She didn’t mean to sound so sad as she spoke, but fuck. All of this was eating away at her quicker than Johnny’s engram. Did she promise no more vulnerability? Yes, but fuck. That’s all she was sometimes. “Don’t really have many chooms. Don’t really wanna make more. Might be gone by the end of this whole journey, so don’t wanna make more people’s lives miserable. Talkin’ with you is kinda low risk, if I’m honest.”

“All you ever do is throw yourself a damn pity party. Think I’m startin’ to get depressed bein’ in your head. An open room, but fuck is it a miserable shithole. Like bein’ in a run down building with crack whores lyin’ ‘round.” 

“Can’t very well leave. Lease ain’t up.”

“No, V. No I can’t. Don’t remember signin’ no lease, though.” 

Feeling pretty numb, she didn’t think much. Just stared off into space, not focusing on much. Usually, when she felt like this, she’d go out and party, but she can’t do that now. Didn’t have someone to make her laugh. 

“Texas.” 

Johnny’s voice grabbed her attention. “Huh?”

“I’m from Texas. College Station, to be specific. Fuckin’ hated that place. Everyone who leaves Texas hates Texas.” 

That made V crack a smile, thinking of Johnny in cowboy boots with a hat on. Even he smiled, trying to hide it by rubbing his chin. 

“Don’t you dare think like that again, V. Wasn’t like that. Left when I got drafted, never looked back.” 

“Drafted?” 

“Not real up to date on your Silverhand lore, are you? Common knowledge that I was sent off to war as a kid. Did some fucked up shit in Mexico, deserted the military, came to Night City, formed Samurai. Wrote a whole fuckin’ solo album ‘bout it.” 

“Yeesh.” In a strange twist of fate, she was glad the memories she relived were from his time bombing ‘Saka Tower, not from his days in the war. But, that shed some light on a few things. Miserable motherfucker that he was, she couldn’t very well blame him for it. Her education was subpar to say the least, but she did at least learn about the war he’s talking about, and it was well known that child soldiers from less populated areas were used to bolster the forces. 

“Not gonna make you retell those stories, and I really don’t wanna relive ‘em, but...I’m sorry.” 

“For what? Why would you be sorry ‘bout all that?” 

Striking her as odd, she continued on, verbalizing her train of thought as best she could to him. “’Cause, you were a kid. ‘Cause it was painful. I mean, no one should go through that.”

“Here you go again. Got sympathy for everyone but yourself. Ever occur to you that your life has been just as fucked up? Did anyone ever say ‘sorry’ to you? Far as I can see, they didn’t. So what makes you think I need it? Or anyone, for that matter. Cycles back to offerin’ help to Judy when barely anyone is willin’ to stick their neck out for you for free.” 

There was truth to that, and she hated that he was constantly right. Only two people were helping her altruistically, and she was avoiding them like the plague for the moment just so they aren’t too hurt by her Schrodinger's death. Even Johnny wasn’t helping her out of the kindness of his nonexistent heart. In the end, he gets what he wants if she sticks to her plan, which involved blasting Mikoshi to the ground, and if she doesn’t then he gets her body. All ups for him. 

But maybe that’s why she decided to offer her own head on the chopping block. Give people something she could never have – is never going to have as far as she could see. 

“Maybe you don’t need it. But what’s the harm, huh? Gonna kill you that someone actually feels bad for your fucked up little life? Again, I’m sorry.”

Getting up, she didn’t care what his shit ass response was going to be, knowing full well he probably didn’t care that she had a shred of sympathy for him. Changing her clothes, she was going to head back out and go see Rogue. See what that yielded her before crawling off to Pacifica. Door open, she walked out.

A glitch, and Johnny was on the stairs leading to the elevator, legs spread, and V is glad other people can’t interact with him. He took up the whole fucking stairwell. 

“Gonna decorate the room I occupy real quick. No one ever said they were sorry to you ‘cause out of the two of us, you really don’t need it. Said you throw yourself enough pity parties, and I mean that. Makes up for any pity party anyone else could throw for you.” Standing at the top of the stairs, V just paused, wanting to hear him out. 

“But, you don’t need their sympathy. Don’t need shit from the world. A weaker person would be held up in that apartment, waiting for death to take ‘em. You? You got drive. Only thing that would make the world say ‘sorry’ is if you were snubbed out.” 

Deep breath in, she inhaled those words and let them go straight to her brain. And it made her smile. Told her she was putting on a good enough show, pushing down the fear so that it didn’t creep up on her and take her out before she was done fighting. 

“Don’t get it twisted, I still think you’re a sorry sack of shit. But, got a lamp in my shitty little room now. Maybe even a decent enough mattress. Gettin’ more comfy.” 

He spoke in metaphors she didn’t understand in the slightest, but that didn’t matter much. She still held the smile on her face as she made her way to the car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So looking at stuff, I've written over 120k words of cyberpunk stuff and uh slkfjskdfjskdlf. I realized I pulled a complete "could a depressed person do this!?" And those 120k words don't even include my drafts, which I am AFRAID to look at in terms of word count. Anyway <3
> 
> Enjoy chapter two :3


	3. Crooked Teeth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW ahead, in this chapter and the next there's some suicide stuff, so I want my readers to know that it's in here and the next chapter. This story is a lot heavier, but it is pretty canon compliant in terms of the things said and the situations presented.

As soon as V got the intel on Hellman, she was on her way to find the mysterious Panam Palmer. There wasn’t much thought put into it – she just took the intel and ran. Was it because she was avoiding other things? Of course. But it also seemed entertaining at the very least. 

Like a heist she pulled before.

Meeting Panam also proved to be amazing. Judy and V were kindred spirits, but Panam? Panam was fun. And V needed some fun. While she was getting Panam’s gear back, chasing down the Raffen, convincing her not to go after the leader in an act of vengeance, she had forgotten all about her predicament. Hell, even at the shitty motel bar she forgot she was dying until they had to talk about the plan for Hellman. After all this, she highly doubted she’d see Panam again, but fuck it. It was great to live in the moment. 

Tipsy as hell, V was on the little twin bed, opting to have her own room. Drunk V had two states: miserable fuck or giggle machine. More often than not it was the first, but one could only guess with the day she had been having which category she fell into. Nothing around her was humorous, not the motel room and certainly not her situation, but she was still in a fit of laughter, just rolling on the bed, covers encasing her body. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” 

“Uuuugghh, Johnny! C’mon! Really gonna rain on my parade?” Scanning, she found him on the other twin bed on his side, one leg stretched out under him and the other with the knee to the ceiling, metal arm propping up his torso while the flesh arm smoked. He looked pissed in the most relaxed ways. What the fuck was wrong with him? 

“You’re gigglin’ like a school girl who just saw the hot boy stretch, liftin’ up his shirt a little. It’s piss annoyin’. Just calm it down and go to sleep so I don’t have to listen to this.” V purposely rolled her eyes back as far as she could, making the muscles holding in her implants strain and burn. Matching his pose, she turned to him, feeling the urge to defend herself. 

“And what’s the problem with havin’ fun? Seriously? Gonna deny a dyin’ girl her right to laugh it up in a shitty little room while she potentially risks everything to down a Kang Tao transport?” 

Something crossed her brain. A thought, but it wasn’t hers. For the first time, she was hearing loud and clear what was buzzing around in Johnny’s head, and it made her pause, trying to hang on to the thread. 

“I sound like Alt when she would get tipsy? Like, the person who’s gonna help us with Mikoshi? What the fuck is with tha --” 

“Drop it.” 

Voice colder than she had ever heard it before, even when he first appeared, it made her lose all desire to joke around and be happy. His thoughts were still coming in, but they were so frantic it was hard to make sense of them. Either way, she could feel it was a touchy subject, and she was not close enough to him to breech it. 

“Fine. Then quit diggin’ ‘round in my head. Makes me uncomfortable sometimes too...” On her back, she put her hands under her head, eyes tracing over the water stains that made the ceiling look like abstract art. She wished she had something stronger than beer at the bar so that she could pass out, but she wasn’t at that stage yet. So, she was stuck with her thoughts and a very pissed off Johnny. Out of the corner of her eye, she could tell he wasn’t on the bed anymore, but she couldn’t tell if he retreated back into his little room in her mind or if he was on some other piece of furniture. Not that she really cared. 

Mind going off in all directions, the one thread that she got snagged on was her business at Clouds. The weird therapy session. Angel said so many things that made her afraid, but the one that got to her the most was his message that she needed to do what she had to in order to live. To survive. That there improved her mood again, knowing she wasn’t wasting her time on this bed. She was waiting for Panam to formulate a perfect plan, get Hellman, and potentially get pissbaby Johnny out of her skull. 

“Thought we were turnin’ into chooms. Nice to know --” 

V’s scream cut him off, senses too dulled by the alcohol to hear him fizzle back into existence, spooked by the sudden noise. She could hear the voices in the rooms beside hers start complaining about her screams, but she was too busy clutching her chest, staring wide eyed at Johnny, all before she broke out into fits of giggles again. 

“Oh shit Johnny! Scared the fuck outta me! It’s kinda funny, even though I was thinkin’ ‘bout you, I really did forget out can just,” making a pop sound with her lips, she waved in his general direction, making him scoff and turn around, “and bam! You’re here.” 

“Almost fuckin’ pissed your pants too. Go pee and go to bed. You’re so fuckin’ stupid, and I’m sick of hearin’ you psychoanalyze yourself based off of what some doll said to you.” Johnny was right, she did have to pee pretty bad now. Rolling off the bed, hitting the floor with an unceremonious thump, she trudged her way to the bathroom, did her business, then trudged back to the bed. She still wasn’t tired, but she figured she should try and sleep. Easier said than done, and she was back thinking a little too much about all the things happening. And who this Alt chick was.

“Oh fuck this,” was the last thing she heard before lights out. A fleeting thought before she went out completely was the deep unsettling fact that he had enough control to put her sleep. And V did not like that. 

~~~~

Oh, Panam. A breath of fresh air. V really wished she met Panam at a later point in her life. Or earlier. Just some other time than this. Her energy was contagious, V feeling like she was back in the motel room giggling on the bed. Sure, it was past midnight, riding off in her car that they rescued from the Raffen, making her a little tired, but fuck. She was having a blast. 

Shit, even Johnny was having a fun time. For a moment, V wished that Panam could hear what Johnny was saying, just so she had someone else to lambaste him about his claim to an impressive cock. Which, she highly doubted he possessed. 

“Impressive cock? Impressive cock!? Ooooh that’s good. And I have the finest pair o’ tits in all of Night City! Look, choom, chicks say a lot of shit in bed --” 

“Hey, hey! Dudes said it too, don’t fuckin’ think I’m lyin’.” The smile he wore might have been the brightest one she saw him wear openly because of her, and between that and Panam’s energy, V really was riding high. 

“Okay, whatever! Everyone lies a little when they want some, it’s alright Johnny.”

V had to bite back her laughter, knowing well Panam would have no idea why she was even laughing, or who she was even joking with. That might have been the whole tragedy of this; even if she wanted to talk to someone about what was going on, very few people even knew about Johnny, and of those she could only trust two, and she was not going to burden them. 

The next thing Johnny said, discussing how they’re more alike than she knows, didn’t have the same affect that it would have previously. For once, that made her smile a little, giving her another idea. 

“But, it goes both ways. Maybe you’re becoming more like me.” 

“Nah, no way.” But that smile never left his face, and her smile never left hers. 

Misery made strange bedfellows out of them, but if that’s what it took to come to terms with what was happening to her, then so be it. Better than letting herself wallow in it, she supposed. And maybe it was the happy energy in the vehicle, but she didn’t feel as bad about the whole thing now. 

~~~~

“Johnny! Johnny!?” 

Fear. Back again. Gripped her. FUCK. 

Where did he go? The buzzing stopped for a moment, and her mind was eerily quiet. Shit. She called out to him again, but nothing. Looking around the car, Panam was giving her this look like she was going crazy, but V kept looking. 

She didn’t want to accidentally wipe him. He didn’t deserve that, she didn’t want that. The whole goal was to remove him, not wipe him. Not kill him again. He was a person! They were just starting to – 

“Fuckin’ hell.” 

V let go of the breath she was holding, leaning forward against the dash, hands coming back to rest over her neck, gripping her hair at the root and tugging, bringing her back to reality. Sitting back up straight, she turned to him, unsure of how disoriented she looked, but she sure as hell felt it. She’d deal with the implications of this fear later, right now she needed to know if he was okay, him answering before she even asked. 

“Okay, I’m fine. It’s...” He looked at her, eyes flickering in something for a moment, “It’s okay, just...It’s okay, I’m fine...Yeah...Just – DELTA THE FUCK OUT!” His panic felt like hers, and it made her jittery all over again. 

“Panam, we need to – fast! Out! Fast!” 

The other woman looked at her with concern, oh so very confused, but she picked up speed. Farther away, they discussed the extraction of Hellman, and that’s what V focused on, keeping her mind from thinking about why she was so worried that Johnny was gone. Still, the whole business with the Hellman extraction had her on autopilot, shaking and swallowing each time there was a pause. She had to focus. 

Even Johnny seemed off. Seemed like he was reverting back. Not that she could blame him, though. V was retreating into her own shell again.

~~~~

Played the part well, she thought. A tough guy act that even fooled herself. Fooled Takemura, who didn’t even bat an eye as he came in to collect his prize. Even got to threaten Hellman, convince him to give her the blueprints for the Relic. Held it together as he talked about how she’d lose herself soon enough. 

Johnny was not holding it together well. 

Sure, he played the part well enough too, not showing his own panic verbally, but he wouldn’t stop moving. Going from sitting, to lying down, to walking over the bed, to circling Hellman like a bird of prey. V even defended Johnny at one point, prompting Hellman to make her almost fail in her mission, pointing out that she was letting him in. It had her fingers shaking.

The Sunset Motel had another guest puking off its railing, and V was getting sick of seeing the blood mix with whatever she ate. Johnny was below, pacing still, landing himself on a nearby bench. V landed there as well, listening to him go on yet another Arasaka rant. Fuck, this one was even worse, the raw feelings of finding Hellman and learning that there was nothing that could potentially be done made her slip, revealing that she was scared of turning into him. He probably knew it, Johnny knew almost all that went on in her head, but she didn’t want to admit it. Especially not now that he was circling her like a vulture, the landscape of the Badlands like the crooked mouth of Hell threatening to swallow them whole. Telling her that he’d do what it took to take down Arasaka, even if it meant taking her body. 

By the time he was done, he was begging her to leave. Go somewhere else, likely to Pacifica so they could continue on their quest. V still sat there, head hung, fingers now in her hair gripping it at the roots again, tugging hard enough that it threatened to scalp her if she wasn’t careful.

“V! Let’s --” 

She was holding her breath in an attempt not to hyperventilate. To keep Johnny from picking up the cues. Maybe he’d sense it later – he did say there was a delay – so for now if she just sat here, motionless, maybe he’d continue on his rant. Loved to hear himself talk. 

“V!”

Bury it down, don’t let it boil over. If she just sat here a moment longer she’d pull it together and they could move on. She’s strong. She’s not going to let this get the better of her. She wouldn’t. Couldn’t. Didn’t have the time to let this happen. 

A hand on her wrists pulled her own hands from her hair. It wasn’t a kind gesture, the move pulling out some of it, and her arms were thrown down rather roughly, but it forced her to sit up straight, looking out at the Badlands once more. Johnny joined her on the bench again, clearly done with his rant, smoking once again. 

“Calm it down. Keep pullin’ your hair like that and I’m gonna start to feel it.” Of course it wasn’t about her. It never was. Never would be. 

“There’s somethin’ inside you, V --”

“That would be you, Johnny.” 

“No, it’s not me. Told you, I’ve been tryin’ to figure out how you’re wired, and the thing that’s makin’ it real difficult is you oscillate between badass merc and cry baby. And I realized what’s been makin’ livin’ under your skin even worse, other than those damn hormones.” 

Tired from everything, V just leaned back, letting him speak. If he was going to continue to psychoanalyze her then fuck it. Not like she cared. 

“No, you got this voice in you. Screamin’ so fuckin’ loud I’m surprised you haven’t gone deaf. Shakes the damn foundation of the house you call a mind. Like it’s gonna cave in at any moment.” Cigarette kept on smoking, and she had half a mind to reach into her pocket and pull one out for herself. 

“If you’re speakin’ in shit ass metaphors, I’m too tired to try and think ‘bout ‘em. I really, really am. So just tell me what the fuck you want.” 

“That’s the thing. I’m not speakin’ in metaphors. Somewhere in your head is a voice screamin’ these horrible things at you. Tellin’ you how much you fuckin’ suck. Makes me wish you’d put a bullet in your head again just to quiet ‘em down.” 

A cold laugh from her and she was greeted with nothing else as a response to it. He wasn’t wrong. And she guessed each time she pushed back her fear it crawled into the little room be built for himself inside her, ringing in his ears instead of hers. 

“Meant what I said on those stairs. Get your ass up, we got a problem to solve. Call that Mr. Hands character, tangle with the shady fuckers of Pacifica. You’re not goin’ down and neither am I.” 

“Why? So you can go get ‘Saka again? Eh, fuck it,” legs able to work again, she stood, fixing her messed up hair and calling her vehicle to her so they could get on the road. “If that’s my fate then that’s my fate.” 

“What happened to the fear of turnin’ into me? Where’d that drive to push me out go? Keep losin’ it, V. And one day you won’t get it back. Ever occur to you that if you up and disappeared I’d be shittin’ myself just as badly as you were?” 

Beater car coming to a stop, she turned to him, still too tired to make appropriate facial expressions. “You literally just got done talkin’ ‘bout how you were gonna take my body. You wanna say I oscillate? Well, Johnny, you’re worse than me.” 

The hood of her car had a new ornament, one that spread its legs and could never sit in one place for very long. “Alright, fine. Got carried away there.” Believable, especially for him. So, she got in her car, head on the steering wheel, formulating a plan. 

“Call Hands. Can’t do nothin’ without that.” 

Holo brought out, she called Mr. Hands while still resting her head against the steering wheel, pulling it together. Call ended, she sat there, realizing she had more waiting to do while he set up the meet. Borrowed time that the price to pay back might be too high. 

“If I said I lied ‘bout what I said to you, in regards to all that shit ‘bout you bein’ unlucky and some trash, would ya believe me?” 

“Nope.” 

“Fine then. Be a bitch.”


	4. What Sarah Said

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: This chapter references both Evelyn Parker's fate, the whole Stephenson quest, and just death in general. Just kinda giving people a heads up, but it's nothing too graphic

Ice cold water. No, colder than ice, and she was shaking. Bad. 

“J-Johnny...” 

“Right here. Go.” 

~~~~

Another Relic malfunction, another emotionally taxing trip down memory lane, Johnny begging for Alt to save her life, and V was seated in a chair outside of the Voodoo Boy’s chapel. Shit was getting so much worse, and she knew it was. She was seeing more and more of Johnny – feeling more and more of Johnny. A mixed bag of shit that she had to sort through on top of her own worsening health and problems that she swept under the rug, the sole mindset that they wouldn’t matter much in a few weeks. Potentially less. Probably less.

But Johnny was with her, and she wanted to reach out like she had with Judy. Only it was so much easier to reach Johnny. He was right there and would always be there for as far as she could tell. Nothing with the shit here gave any indication that things were going to get any better for her, so she’d probably die with this fucking asshole. No hope for her whole soul, but she could do what she was best at: expending the last of her energy to try and help.

May as well just try and reach out. Touch his soul a little. It was doubtful it would work, but fuck it. Not much she had to lose. Low risk with him, as she put it before. Either he continued to get under her skin or they come to some understanding. Pointed out himself that they only got along as the need arose, and that might not be the best. 

What’s more, something felt different. Off. 

Probably the little spat they had. Arguing like an old married couple, as he put it. She said some shit to him, he spat it back in her face. But, he also made the argument that she should trust him more. And maybe he’s right. However, if she was going to trust him, she needed to know he’d allow her to reach in, dig around a little. Like he dug around in her. 

Seeing him with Alt, seeing what happened to make him so desperate to destroy Mikoshi, stored away in that tower, she finally got why he did what he did. Didn’t agree with it – never would – but she understood it better now. More and more she was seeing why he was such a fucking dick, and something in her wanted to ask an important question. 

“Biz with Alt...Man, gotta say, never felt heartbreak like that. Didn’t treat her right, but...”

“Fuck, you chicks are all the same. See one thing that bothers you and you never let it go. You saw it first hand. Got nothin’ to say ‘bout it.” 

Biting the inside of her lip, V shrugged, trying to find a way to dig a little more. “You...feel bad watchin’ it back? Now that you’re not fucked outta your mind?”

She dug too deep. He was gone, form glitching from existence. Of course. 

Not like she expected results, but it’s not like he could just block her number and walk away. Fuck it. To be fair, she’d probably shut down too if someone poked at her open wounds. Often did if Johnny poked too hard, but not like he couldn’t just get his answers if he stayed inside. She didn’t have that luxury. Though she might soon seeing how things were going now. 

Holo ringing, it was Judy. 

“Hey Judy.” The malfunction left her a little dazed still, but Judy looked troubled to say the least. Like she had been crying.

“V...Said I could call you...can you come over, stat?” 

Getting up, V started off towards her car again, feeling like she lived in the damn thing now. Might soon if she didn’t pay rent, but her eddies were going elsewhere now. Better pack a pillow and a blanket to bring with her, she supposed. 

“Somethin’ happenin’?” 

“Yeah, just come.” 

~~~~

Evelyn’s body placed on the bed, V moved her hand to place it on the mattress, thinking briefly she should cover her. Judy’s voice echoed in the hall, and Johnny knew to make himself scarce. She could have killed him in that bathroom. Maybe it was for the best she keep him at arms length, away from the sensitive parts of her. Death was never easy to process for anyone, but Johnny seriously didn’t know when to shut the fuck up. Saving grace of having him in her head was that Judy didn’t have to hear it. 

Finished with the NCPD, V walked into the hallway to check on Judy, but the girl just walked into the room with Evelyn, making V follow her back in. She wanted to put clothes on Evelyn, and V was happy to leave her alone with the body. 

On her couch, V watched the fish tank, getting lost in the water and lights. Another wave of sadness to compound everything inside her. Fuck she was just so bad off at this point. And all she wanted to do was fix other’s problems. Facing her own seemed like too big a task, especially now when hope was dwindling. 

“Oh lookie here. Another pity party. And what’s that? Another poor girl to join your jam? Lucky you. Fuckin’ Christ I really did get put into...”

V didn’t care what he was saying, she just kept looking at the tank. Judy had a lot of water themed tattoos, a giant octopus adorned the wall behind her, and she spied a diving suit in her room. She wondered if the water offered something that the land couldn’t. If it could mask and drown out things that the land only amplified. Too bad the water around Night City was toxic. She could use something to get lost in. Another death that she felt she could have helped prevent – bodies stacked behind her as she walked forward.

“V. It really hittin’ you that bad?” 

He was sitting next to her now, closer than he ever had before. Usually they were a couple feet from each other, but now they were side by side. Warmth seeped from his body, and she was damn sure the Relic’s influence was growing. But she wasn’t going to talk about this with him. No comfort would come from it. If she needed some she’d have to look elsewhere. Or nowhere. Probably nowhere.

“You’re not in your armored vest. Always wore that Samurai tank? See it a bunch in your memories.” 

Smoking in Judy’s place was fine, not like Johnny’s form was visible to anyone else. Even if he snubbed it out right on the couch it wouldn’t matter. “Had a few of ‘em. Wore ‘em on rotation. Part of my look. Plus, Alt always said I looked the best in ‘em. Same for the pants.” 

“Jackie said my leather jacket was his favorite. Said I was the only person who could pull off that kind of jacket.” 

“Leather jackets are a dime a dozen. What made that one so weird?” 

“Sleeves were ripped at the elbows, every time I bent my arms they’d stick out, and the body was cut in half, literally. Tyger Claw sword got it during my...second? No, third, gig. Frayed to shit. So I’d walk around with a big ass hole in the back of the thing, and two on the sleeves. Think the shoulders were comin’ apart too. What wasn’t covered in pins was covered in worn leather. Shit was old as dirt, but I loved it. Looked like trash, though, so he was on to something when he said only I could pull it off. It hangs in my closet now.” 

“Funny, that. Would you have thrown away the jacket if Jackie said nothin’ ‘bout it?” 

“Prolly. Or at least I wouldn’t’ve worn it out in public like I did. Plus, liked my denim jacket a little more, just because it was slightly more practical – more lightweight. Has a patch on it that was given to me by my first boyfriend too, so it has some sentimental value. Would you have worn a different shirt?” 

“Fuckin’ A I would’ve. Well, woulda gone shirtless more like it, but Alt said the tank accentuated somethin’ on me. All I heard was ‘I think the tank makes you look hot’ and I was sold. Mighta been what got her to fuck me the first time.” 

V laughed at that, knowing full well that was not it. “Right, okay. What do ya think got her to stay?” 

“Charming looks and amazing sex. Not like why Jackie hung around you. Not like why Judy called you first. Told me you were scared of losin’ yourself. Or maybe I just feel it. But, if you were turnin’ into me, no one woulda called you.” 

And he was gone, leaving V with the weight of his words. 

~~~~

The roof of Judy’s building had a nice view. Comfy place to come out and talk, which they both needed. Both reeling from what just happened. Right now, after a short talk, they sat in silence, unsure of what to say to each other. Judy was hard to read, and V just didn’t know how to handle death in healthy ways. Couldn’t ask Johnny, the worst of the bunch when dealing with death. 

“Uh, Judy...Know I asked you this before, but...My offer for a hug still stands...” Touch. Touch worked sometimes. V always felt better after she was in close contact with someone. It wasn’t everyone’s thing, but it was hers. That might have been the worst part about her current situation. 

Maybe Judy would say no, but the gesture spoke volumes in Night City. People didn’t touch people they didn’t like. Didn’t want to be around. 

“You know, V, not a touchy person. Don’t really like close contact with people. But...yeah. I...I could use a hug.” 

Standing, V walked over, opening her arms, letting Judy make the move to hug her. Arms wrapped around her, V pulled Judy in close, letting Judy cry into her shoulder. They stood there, locked together, just letting the emotions pass. V wished she could cry, but that would be too much. She didn’t trust Johnny or Judy enough to let them see that.

“I meant what I said...you’re a good person, V.”

~~~~

The nightmares started that night. 

V went home after the business with Judy. Radio silence from Takemura as he formulated next steps. There wasn’t anything left for her to do than to go home and sleep, and she couldn’t even do that right. 

Shooting up in bed, covered in sweat, she curled in on herself. Waiting, she heard Johnny come into existence in her room, unsure of where he was, but it was clear he was seated, no click of his boots on the floor, greeted with nothing but silence as he became a ghost. Face held in her hands, she just kept waiting, but still nothing. 

“What? Not gonna say somethin’ ‘bout another pity party I’m throwin’ myself? Think it’s pretty sad I’m havin’ nightmares like a little girl. No mommy to come rock me to sleep.” 

“Never had a mom that was the type that would rock you to sleep, V. No dad either. You’re a therapist’s wet dream.” Joke appreciated, she let out a little laugh, finding him in her room just sitting on her coffee table, his construct glowing the dark. 

“You’re right on that. Man oh man, if I ever go to therapy I’ll be bankrupt by the time the first session ends.” 

“Better start savin’ eddies then. Gonna need ‘em after havin’ me in there addin’ to the shit.” 

~~~~

A stall in the plan to get the Relic out was what V needed to continue working, make the eddies she would likely need to continue pulling favors from people. Shit, after getting things back to Rogue from Panam, Rogue was giving her some preem jobs to help her out. And she didn’t know that her output was in her head. Luck might have been on her side for once. 

Until Wakako called. 

Some guy needed some help offing another man – that seemed pretty typical. And it was a typical mission, if not half baked. V figured she could be doing stupider shit than following an NCPD transport, but when the guy who hired her got shot? Oh it started to stink to high heaven. 

And of course Johnny egged her on. 

Which led her to the diner where she and Johnny were now, discussing religion after he explained how fucked he and V were, like she didn’t just wake up in the middle of the night and discuss that same thing. Talking about how that guy is the real rebel in this society, even though he killed a bunch of people and wants to repent by nailing himself to a cross. Everything always cycled back with them, and if she was stuck in a timeloop she was damn pissed it was with this fucker and not someone relatively normal. Then again, who else would indulge her strange train of thought? 

“What do you think? God exist?” 

Hand on his face, V smirked, pleased she annoyed him even a little. “Fuck. Kill me, please.” 

“Later. But, c’mon. Serious question. Kinda wanna know what ol’ Silverhand thinks of this world and its state.” Even more, she wanted to know if he believed in a type of salvation. If there was a doctrine that could save her. Save him. Save the whole world if it came down to it. Godless as this city was at times, there were staunch believers in the stuff, and even she got caught up with Padre on some of his ramblings. 

Same as it ever was, his response left them talking in circles, debating whether a construct could be saved. Misty said he was still a soul, but Hellman disputed that. Did she believe her friend or the person who likely knew the chip inside and out? She wasn’t sure. 

Only in death do people find the real answer as to whether or not one has a soul, and these two people, debating God and religious principle, have not really died their final death. They do not know what lies beyond. V figured, though, that one of them would, and it made this whole gig even worse. 

And if she was honest, during certain moments, his unrepentant actions left her wondering whether or not it was worth it to treat him as a person. Time and time again he would show signs of human life, springing forth from the ground, but then he goes back and she wonders where the humanity went, or if it was even there. The way he spoke to her at times sounded exactly like what she wanted to hear, and others it sounded like the exact opposite. He looked at his friends with nothing but contempt, but somehow found compassion enough to talk about some guy playing guitar like he was doing the lord’s work. 

Did that constitute as having a soul? 

Of course, V would still treat him as a person, fool she was. Few were the times where she met true monsters, and Johnny didn’t completely fit into that category. He was absolutely despicable, but he at least showed something deeper than just lifeless hatred. And to her, that meant something. 

~~~~

First drink of the day and it was from the tequila bottle in the back of her car, sitting outside the BD studio. Really hated this stuff, but fuck did she need it. Why did she even do that? For the eddies? Because Stephenson deserved it? Because he asked her to? Because she really believed this would save a soul she wasn’t sure existed? 

Another swig, and she finally stopped shaking from reliving the whole thing. Performative praying while a man died. Haunting was the only way to describe that scene, and man did she hate that. Three knocks to the hood of her car with her fist, and she decided to stop drinking before she started to feel it. Bottle tossed in the back, she still stood outside of her car, not wanting to go on another job right now. Johnny wasn’t complaining about it either, lounging on the roof of her car like he was modeling for an album cover. The whole thing must have gotten to him too, watching as Stephenson bled out, a look in his eyes V had never seen before. His mind was buzzing the entire time too, but she still couldn’t make out much. It really was just a one way thing.

~~~~

“Feel real fuckin’ bad, V.” 

Pausing, V held out the burrito she was eating, checking the wrapper, looking to see if he had some kind of premonition for food poisoning. She thought it was fine, but better safe than sorry. Nope, still good to eat. 

“The fuck are you on ‘bout now?” Okay, she did see one major benefit to having Johnny around. She could keep eating while they spoke. That was fucking preem for sure. Burrito in her mouth hole, she looked at him, and he looked like shit. No wonder he was feeling bad. Was she missing something? 

Scanning her body, she turned her arms to check for injuries. None. Legs looked fine too. Her chest felt a little heavy, but that was probably the anxiety and fear she kept pushing back. 

“Am I sick?” She felt fine. Maybe she should call Vik just to double check.

“You know what, forget it. Gonk fuckin’ brain ain’t ready for this conversation.” Was he feeling emotionally bad? Was that possible?

“No, wait, wait. Sorry. Not used to you bein’...ya know...What’s on your mind?” 

Clammed up. Whatever, no loss for her. Burrito devoured, she searched her apartment for something else lying around to snack on. All she had were cans of NiCola, so it would have to do. 

“Never used to like these things. Thought they were real fuckin’ nasty.”

“Okay?” 

“Don’t taste too bad through you.” 

The lag between them was growing smaller and smaller, but that’s to be expected. At least they could both enjoy some soda. Not like their lives were getting any sweeter any time soon, and she wouldn’t be around to deal with the consequences. 

“Didn’t really know you tasted the same stuff as me. Figured it was like...just sensations. Though, I guess if I can taste your cigarettes you can taste my food. Just lemme know if you want somethin’.”

This conversation was awkward to say the least, but at least he was talking to her without yelling in her face. Progress? Eh, she didn’t know. Reaching out to him seemed to yield nothing but false hopes and dead ends. 

But, she’d try again. 

“Wanna tell me what made you feel bad?” 

He laughed at her – short and brash, but a laugh. “Fuckin’ told you. Gonk brain can’t handle it. Especially now that you’re drinkin’ that shit. It’ll rot your brain.” 

V figured if someone were to look in on them, they wouldn’t see anything but two idiots fighting over how healthy soda was for a person. See only that V was getting increasingly louder and more defensive over her right to drink soda, and Johnny going on and on about how it’s just a corporate scheme to get people to buy more sugary drinks. But, V knew there was something else. She did make progress with him. He didn’t glitch away when she asked this time. Didn’t answer, either, but it was something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of the things that I like about some of the dialogue in Cyberpunk is that you can take a lot of conversations that happen and go "huh, that has a double meaning." Characters will talk about things, and sometimes they're direct, sometimes they're not, but the core of the whole thing is understood. Johnny is kind of the king of "I'm saying shit, but I definitely mean something else." 
> 
> Also, it's been four chapters, and I don't think I've thanked those who are reading, so thank you :3 I know this is kinda different than some of the other things I write, but I really wanted to explore how these two idiots fell in love and the bond they started to form. It's just kinda fun for me, and it's a little easier to write than crafting my own narrative for the moment. So again, thank you for reading this little thing of mine <3


	5. Soul Meets Body

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had a lot of fun just idly writing this while I work on other things :3 it's really nice to revisit the game and figure out moments where V and Johnny just fall into the other. It's just something nice to think about

“Thank you, V.”

“I don’t know who you are, but...thanks.”

“Great job, V.”

“You’re the last person in this fuckin’ city who would help, so...thanks.” 

Right, that’s why she did this. Jackie once told her that she had the makings of a great merc. Not because she was great at the job, because by all accounts she was terrible at taking down people, but because she was willing to help. She was selfless. She was finding herself again.

That might be the reason that she and Johnny just couldn’t seem to get along for very long. Always two steps forward and one step back. Her way of life, her way of thinking, the things she did and why she did them just didn’t match with what he did. All he ever did was live for himself, people around him be damned. 

In that aspect, he did rub off on her. She was living for herself, not him, not right now. Getting in contact with Takemura told her that she would still have to wait a bit while he maintained contact with his people, trying to set something up to help them out. Fine by her – she still wanted to stockpile eddies. 

Still, she felt a little bad for the way she treated him at the beginning. Did he deserve it? Yes. Did he still deserve it? Also yes. But, the panic when he was momentarily gone when she was running around with Panam made her realize she did at least care for him a little. She thought about the condition of his soul when discussing Stephenson. For whatever reason he didn’t think of himself as a person. Just data. Which he probably was, but V didn’t like to see him that way. 

One, because it meant that if he took over everything about her would be essentially lost, as data does not hold memories like a person, and that did not sit well with her. Two, because it made dealing with his memories and his shit a little easier, being able to tease a person, console a man, rather than think about whether or not it was just his data. Three, because she felt some sense of connection with him, however one sided it was. 

Everything with them was one sided. 

Sucks, because if he opened up a little, she might have a true friend to take with her as she walked to her own death. Every now and then she’d catch glimpses of who he really was deep down, and he really wasn’t that bad. An asshole, but there was something more. 

“Where to now?” Leaning against a wall, he was smoking, as usual, just observing her. Looking through her holo, she noticed something strange. 

“Hey, Johnny? Can you access my holo? Like, look at the notes I make on the jobs I get?” 

Shit eating grin appeared on his face, walking over to lean over the holo with her. “So you finally fuckin’ noticed. Been playin’ with this thing for a while. Learned that my construct can just hack into that thing.” 

“What!? Johnny, are you fuckin’ kiddin’ me!? Come on, choom, that’s a serious breech of privacy!” 

“Well excuse me, princess, didn’t know you cared that much ‘bout the shitty little descriptions you wanna give ‘em. I spice shit up, V. You’re too boring. And I ain’t readin’ your messages – don’t really need to since you spend so long thinkin’ ‘bout what you’re gonna say.” 

“Ugh, you’re the fuckin’ worst. I seriously hate you.” Reading the notes, she couldn’t help but laugh a little at the funny little descriptions given. He even changed the names of the gigs to things she didn’t recognize. “How’d you even come up with the titles for these things?” 

“They’re songs. You call ‘em the oldies. To me, they’re the songs from my childhood, and if you could get your hands on the lyrics you’d see they fit. Usually. Sometimes the song title is all that works, but gives me somethin’ to do.” 

“So, music really is your whole life? Fuck, Johnny, if you didn’t become a musician what would ya have been? ‘Cause, to me, you coulda been nothin’ else.” Tapping one gig, she saw the location of the client pop up on her screen, well within walking distance. 

“That mighta been the first real compliment you’ve given me, V. Never really gave much thought to what I would do if I couldn’t play music. Let me ask you, what do you think I woulda been?” 

Fast on her feet, V didn’t even miss a beat, pointing to a washed out bum on a mattress. “That.”

“You know what, I take it back. You’re a bitch.” 

~~~~

If they didn’t talk about the Relic, didn’t think about it, she and Johnny had a lot of fun. Specifically, she was out in the Badlands in possession of some painting. Picked up the details from a group of homeless guys, finding out this thing came from the moon. Johnny gave her a whole history lesson on the thing, and by all means she was kinda impressed. 

“Right, your input. So you mean to tell me you know jack shit ‘bout art? Just, absorbed it from her?” 

“What kind of gonk do you take me for? The fuck I look like runnin’ ‘round some art gallery? I had better shit to do.” 

V laughed, shoving the painting into the back of her car. “Yeah, oooookay. Just because I spend literally every wakin’ moment with you doesn’t mean I magically know every song in existence. Or that I even know more than the five Samurai songs that play on the radio. You love art, don’t fuckin’ pull my leg.” 

Fighting would have broken out, but they were cut off by the ring of her holo, Panam’s contact appearing on her screen. 

“What? Why’s Panam callin’ me? Helped her out, she’s back with her clan, I think. Doesn’t need me...” 

“Alright, last time I said this I got you into some deep shit, but if you don’t answer I’m never talkin’ to you again. ‘Sides, we’re already out here in the Badlands, easy way to go and meet up with her.” 

Pursing her lips, she hit answer before she talked herself out of it. She really did figure once Panam got back with her clan she’d drop her like a hot potato, but apparently not. Probably needed some serious help, and fuck it. Johnny was right. She was already out here, and she liked Panam. Most fun she’d had in a long time. 

“V! It’s a good thing you answered, I could probably use your help.” 

That made her smile, knowing Panam got into more trouble, and if Panam was in trouble that meant a little more fun to be had. When this whole ordeal of hers was over, she might consider asking Panam to let her ride with her clan, just so she could enjoy her final days of life. 

“’Probably’?” 

“Fine, I could really use your help.” 

Oh shit, she sounded panicked as fuck. Okay, not the fun ride she thought it would be, but it was something. Saul was kidnapped, and she really needed help. Which led her back to Night City’s most generous merc. Time to go on another mission. 

“Well, can’t ride high forever. Think the Nomad’s’ll snag the paintin’?”

“Doubt it. Just leave it in the back so I can go see Panam’s fine ass.” 

“You know what, I’m leaving you in the backseat too, and I won’t roll the windows down.”

~~~~

Panam could count on her. Judy said the same thing. Both girls thanked her. 

Sitting there in that dingy shack, still a little giggly over the word “Haboobs,” smiling over the fact they joked about opening some shit motel out here, V watched as Panam slept. There weren’t any blankets to cover her, so she just took off her jacket, draping it over Panam. Again, she thought of the fact that she wished she met Panam, Judy too, at a different time. Maybe even Johnny. A strong maybe on that one. But now? 

She was going to have to leave them all behind some day. 

“Oh, c’mon V. Feel another party formin’. Should I get streamers?” 

“No, not gonna...Not gonna do that. Nah,” sighing, she looked at Johnny seated on the coffee table, somber look on his face too, “just kinda wish I let myself keep my friends back when I wasn’t dyin’. Back when I wouldn’t leave ‘em behind. Nah, no pity party here. Got a new goal in addition to fixin’ the shit in my head. I’m gonna use my time to just...make life a little easier for the people I’m gonna leave behind. Don’t think I’m shakin’ Panam off me, and I owe it to Judy to help her out.” 

“Not seein’ how that helps you. Helps us.” 

“It doesn’t, I guess. But, I don’t expect people to help me for free. Everyone’s out for themselves, ya know? Yeah, you know. And I hate that feelin’. Knowin’ I owe debts to people who would dump me in the trash, literally. So, why not go against the grain? Wanted to teach me somethin’ ‘bout rebellion, right? Well this is mine. I’m not here to fix the world – ain’t doin’ it for that – but Panam’s sleepin’ peacefully tonight. Saul’s alive to go to bed and joke ‘bout ‘Haboobs’ and shit. Both of ‘em are better off, and that makes me happy.”

Johnny’s groan was that of extreme annoyance, snubbing out the ever present cigarette that hung from his lips. Idly, she let her mind think about the fact that when people got near him all they must smell was smoke, the same kind he blew out his ass when he tried to pretend he was hot shit. 

“Tellin’ you, this is what’s gonna get you flatlined. Do somethin’ for your fuckin’ self for once in your life.”

“See, knew you wouldn’t get it. I am doin’ this for myself. But fine, we’ll party tomorrow night, ‘cause it’s what I wanna do. Just the two of us, seein’ as I can’t party alone. Used to party ‘fore every big gig I went on, and this one seems pretty fuckin’ big if you ask me. Even gonna make a little note in my holo, remindin’ me that I have this gig. I’m goin’ to sleep, write me somethin’ nice in there.”

A snort, and she rolled to face to back of the couch, curling up so that she wasn’t touching Panam, all so she wouldn’t have to face Johnny when he inevitably said something that would piss her off and ruin her good mood. 

“Fine. Promise me somethin’, V.”

“Depends on what the promise is.”

“Don’t look at this fuckin’ note ‘til we’re at the end.” 

Nodding, she smiled, adjusting a little to get more comfortable. “Alright, can do. But if you put some emoticon dick in there I’m gonna be so fuckin’ pissed.” 

~~~~

“Had it up to here with this dusty outback, V! And you wanna party like its no tomorrow out in the fuckin’ desert? Give me a fuckin’ break.” 

“Awww, you’re just grouchy ‘cause I’m not playin’ shit from your generation. Fine, I’ll tune into the Nomad station that plays ‘em. Got shit from over 100 years ago on blast. Should find somethin’ you know.” Crawling into her car, V turned the dial until the station came in. Wasn’t clear, not in the slightest, but it was good enough to hear the music, and that’s all they needed. 

“Better suited to your tastes, old man?” The music played and he listened, nodding his head to the beat. 

“Fuck, whoever is in charge of this place, better shake their hand V. Know their music.”

The front seat of her car provided the best place to sit and drink, a bottle of nice enough Vodka in her hand. Swig after swig was taken, until she was feeling tipsy enough to let loose. Music was never really her thing, not in the way it was Johnny’s. She saw it as a vessel to dance to, to listen when you needed background noise. She didn’t analyze the lyrics or the rhythm. If it slapped, it slapped, and if she could dance to it, then by all fucking means, she would dance. These oldies weren’t that great, not really, but they had enough to them that once she was really feeling it, she could dance. 

And dance she did. 

Bottle in hand, she made the space in front of the car her dance floor. There was freedom in dancing out here – freedom in being outside of Night City. Clubs and bars always felt too stuffy for her now, and drinking alone in her apartment just seemed sad. Out here, the only prying eyes that would see her is of her parasite, and if he wanted to he could see each and every time she came out here, dancing away like it was nothing. 

Music blasting loud, she had time to think. Body moving in exaggerated ways, she didn’t feel as tense as she did a few days ago. Not like she had when Johnny reminded her that he would potentially take over her body. Not like she had when she felt the despair of her own death weighing her down. Thoughts drifted from place to place, but the one that stuck was the fact that Johnny seemed so keen on figuring her out, learning who she was, but he never seemed to want her to know who he was. She saw him, of course, how could she not? The difference was she had respect enough to leave it alone, let him come to her. She wasn’t going to chase him down like ever other person who seemed to get close enough to touch him. 

Would she reach? Would she offer him a shoulder to cry on? Yes and yes, because that’s who she was. No matter how much he got on her nerves, no matter how much she felt he didn’t deserve it, she made a promise to help those around her. Leave something happy behind when she went. If Johnny was going to inherit her body, inherit her soul, then fuck it. Pay it forward. That’s how she’d hold on to herself for the time being. It made thinking of her own fate a little more bearable. 

“You dance worse than the coked up strippers I used to hire.”

Okay, maybe not. She’d wipe his ass from the face of the Earth. 

“I’m not dancin’ for you, Johnny. So either join in the fun, or shut the fuck up.” Song fading, the next started, a sad song, but one she actually knew. Not caring too much, she belted the lyrics at the top of her lungs, taking small sips of vodka between the lines. 

“The Smiths? You don’t know Samurai, but you know The fuckin’ Smiths?” She almost didn’t hear his comment, mumbled between changing songs. Shrugging, she walked closer to where he sat on her car. 

“Sure? I guess. I dunno the band, but I used to hear the song a lot when I was a kid. People ‘bout your age used to play it. What’s the title?” 

“Jesus. You know every word perfectly, but don’t know the title? What the fuck, V.” The cold metal of the car was almost too much for her flushed skin, but she climbed up anyway, lying on the roof of the car while Johnny stayed seated on the hood. 

“Nope. Like I said, the old people played them. Never got the title. Gonna tell me?” 

Glitching out, she expected him to leave her hanging. Even though she was resting from her dance session, she still wiggled her body around the beat of the music, another song she just didn’t know. 

“Song’s called ‘Half a Person’ and gotta say, you picked one hell of a song to sing.” His image faded in next to her, lying on his back beside her, arms behind his head. Mirroring him, she looked up at the stars, really loving it out here. 

Humming to another song, she and Johnny stayed on the roof of her car for a while. 

“Found another problem with you, V.”

“If you keep tellin’ me shit that’s wrong with me I’m gonna start tellin’ you shit that you did wrong.” 

“Do it. Find somethin’ I’m ashamed of.” The challenge he presented was actually easy enough to fulfill, but she wouldn’t do that to him. Too much to pick from, if she was honest, and all of it painful for her to think about. “Nah, your problem is you’re so desperate to find companionship you’ll let the wrong people in.”

“What? You think Judy and Panam are bad for me? Pfft, no you don’t, ‘specially not Panam.” Arm quick, she elbowed his ribs, making him grunt, but he still didn’t move away. 

“You’re right. They aren’t too bad. When you make it outta this, hang ‘round them. They’ll do you some good.” 

“And, I resent the fact you think I’m desperate for chooms. I don’t need ‘em...And trust me, if I let someone in, they’re not all bad. Somethin’ ‘bout them has to be good. Just, maybe I shouldn’t let them influence me too much. Corrupt what I got left.” 

“Well color me surprised. Guess the Scarecrow found the fuckin’ Wizard after all.” 

Rolling on her side, facing away from him, she looked out onto the landscape. V swore that these hills changed each night, like they were living beings that moved around and guarded Night City. Well, more like kept Night City contained within Night City. Guardians to the rest of the world. It was a stupid thought, but it was fun to consider.

“Johnny, I’m goin’ to sleep ‘cause I swear I cannot understand half the shit you say. And do not – and I mean do not – call me stupid for it.” 

“Alright, I won’t. You’re dumbest cunt I’ve ever met.” 

Reflexes kicking in, she turned around to smack him, but he was already gone. She should move to sleep in her car, another night out in the desert. Fuck, even if Panam didn’t want to form a clan with her, and Judy ended up being done with her after the whole Evelyn thing, she could just live out here by herself, no stranger to being alone. 

Crawling into the back seat, Johnny was in the front, feet kicked up like they always were. Guess she wasn’t that alone after all, at least for the moment. 

“Night, Johnny.”


	6. Different Name for the Same Thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think at this point in the game Johnny and V just share one braincell and it just doesn't know how to react to the world anymore.

“…Oh yeah, if we went to school together, you woulda been that weird horse girl.”

Hanging up the phone with Pepe, V caught the tail end of what he was saying, after Johnny went on this long rant about something called “Film Noir” and how she just didn’t understand why his commentary was gold. She thinks – though with Johnny who knew – that they ended up here because he was talking about the kid in his grade who knew all about movies, and the types of kids in schools in the 1990’s. Almost a whole 100 years removed from where they are now. 

“You know what, I don’t know what that means – and I never know what the fuck you’re talkin’ ‘bout, by the way! – but I resent that. I may not know what it means, but I know if you’re tellin’ it to me it ain’t good. The fuck is a horse a girl?” 

“You really wanna know?” His position against the wall didn’t change, cigarette between his lips, lighter in his hands. Fine by V, she had to log in the results of the gig, and she was pretty happy to report she may have saved a marriage. A lot better than her previous days. 

The click of the lighter, and the smell and taste of smoke was back assaulting her senses. A tattooed hand reached out, handing her the lighter, and she made a face. V took it, of course, but wasn’t surprised that it just fizzled out of existence the moment she touched it. 

“Actually, it’s probably better if I don’t find out.” She’d never even seen a horse before, and quite frankly they looked pretty creepy from the ones she’d seen on ads. If she would have been the kid obsessed with those beasts of burden, then fuck that. She didn’t wanna know. “But, you seem like the kid who woulda asked out the weird kids on dares just to make them feel shitty.” 

That got a rise out of him, nodding after he laughed. “So, you really believe the shit you spewed at Pepe?” 

“What shit? I didn’t lie to him. I meant every word I said. And before you ask me to clarify, yes, I did mean all that love shit. Unlike you, Silverhand, I think having someone you love in this city is worth a lot.” Biting the inside of her lip, a nervous habit she really needed to break but had no plans to, she briefly thought about her own miserable prospects in that department, unsure of how to even go about navigating all that messy stuff, merc work, and her impending doom. Not like she could just bring her lover along on a fun ride around Night City.

“Nah, comin’ from you that was pretty standard. I mean the stuff ‘bout her past, and how it doesn’t matter what implants she has. The love shit made sense.” 

“Oh. Uh...I mean I gave Pepe the short of it, but you want the long? Like, really? ‘Cause, you check out if I talk for more than two minutes.” 

“And you don’t?” 

Touche. She did just get done ignoring him while he went on a long rant, but that might have been a survival tactic. Listening to him drone on forever might give her more brain damage than she already had from having him inside her. V tapped another job, letting it hang on her phone while she leaned against the wall beside him. 

“I’ll do it like this then. Alright, so sometimes people can’t get over the past other people have had, but in general I don’t think it matters too much. Like, alright. Perfect world: you get to live in a body somehow at the end of this. You gonna tell whoever you meet ‘bout the fact you’re actually Johnny Silverhand, rockerboy terrorist?” 

His foot tapped, and he was actually thinking. “Prolly not. Not unless I really trusted them, and even then…Toss up. In your perfect world you created there, am I a changed man? Still a shithead, but I’m not itchin’ to blast any ‘Saka scum into oblivion?” 

“Sure, let’s go with that. Changed man.” 

“Imagine this, then. You’re my wife --”

“Ew! Fuckin’ gross!” 

A light smack to her arm, and she stopped her laughs. “You’re my wife. We’re eatin’ dinner one night and I tell ya that I’ve been lyin’ to you for all these years. You ask me --”

V did her best surprised gasp, even holding her chest for comedic affect. “What!? Johnny, what have you lied to your sweet wife about all this time!?” Why she added in a Southern accent to this whole game, she didn’t know, but it made them both hold back laughter as they played out the scene. 

“Fuckin’ Christ, V. Alright, so I tell you I’m Johnny Silverhand in a new body. Somehow convince you that this is true and I’m not some fuckin’ whacko. What do you do?”

Drumming her fingers again, she turned to lean her shoulder against the building to look at him. “Dunno. Hard to actually consider that, since uh, I’m well aware of who you are. Got literally all of you in me. And, I know everythin’ that happened in ‘Saka Tower, inside and outside perspectives. Your pretend wife doesn’t, unless you’ve changed enough to actually open up ‘bout everythin’. Let’s say you have, right, and you tell your wife all that. The type of person she is also plays into this, and if it was me I’d prolly make you sleep on the couch for a night while I thought ‘bout it, lookin’ at who you were now. To me, if you put in the effort to change, sometimes that’s all it takes. Like, in that perfect world, you prolly put in a lot of work to not wanna blast ‘Saka into the ground, so that counts for somethin’. Again, this is all me. And it can get more nuanced than that depending on the crimes done and other shit. But if we go on anymore you’re gonna ignore me, so there. World philosophy by V.”

“Well, then better hope Cynthia isn’t actually the fuckin’ Zodiac killer, still ‘round after all these years. But that brings up another question. You got implants. Can’t really see what you looked like before when you were younger, since you didn’t spend much time in front of a mirror. Let’s start with eyes. What color were they ‘fore you got ‘em switched out?” 

She laughed, knowing well he was actually going to like the answer she gave, it aligning well with his own views of the world. 

“Never changed ‘em. All my implants took on the appearance of my eyes before I had ‘em put in. Never wanted to change anything ‘bout me at all, in fact. Always thought that if the corpos owned my face I’d lose my sense of identity. Ain’t much to that now, thanks to you, but at least my face is my face.” 

He laughed at that response, taking his Aviators off and leaning in close, studying her face. Each passing day brought them physically closer and closer together. This time, he was close enough she could smell him, or at least what was captured in the engram, data being sent to her brain. Under all that muck and grime, smoke and gunpowder, he actually smelled kind of sweet. So unlike what she expected before. 

“No shit? Those eyes look like that without modifications? Fuck, V. If I had seen you back in my day, woulda convinced you to come backstage. Now?” He laughed again cutting himself off. 

“What? Pretty face can’t hide what’s inside? Huh, weird. Kinda how I feel ‘bout you.” 

He shook his head, leaning against the wall and staring up, like he always did. Lost in perpetual thought. 

“Nah. Not it. Now? Now I realize the value in gettin’ to know a person. The real person, lookin’ past all the flaws. Sure, your face ain’t symmetrical, and your nose is fucked up because you keep settin’ it yourself, but damn. And if I had seen you back then, actually sat down and talked to you, maybe I wouldn’t be here now. ‘Cause those eyes could change a man. Woulda written a song ‘bout ‘em.” 

Blinking, V furrowed her brows, giving him the most quizzical look she could. Was he being serious? He never really looked serious, but he wasn’t giving indication that he was joking around. From what she could feel of his emotions, he was being genuine, some truth in what he said. When that confusion passed a little, she smiled, heart beating a little bit faster.

Oh.

Oh no.

“Oh fuck, man! Ha! Guess I was right. You were that kid who asked out the weird kids for fun. Almost had me there, Johnny, gotta admit!” 

Hands shoved in her pockets, she jumped up from the wall, strolling down the street and on to the next job. 

~~~~

“She’s called twice, you gonna pick up this time or what?” 

Mama Welles, second time calling, and V still didn’t know how to pick up the holo. What to say to the woman who let her sleep under her roof. Acted like the mom she didn’t have. She let it go, and immediately Mama Welles called back. 

An ofrenda. 

Misty was outside of the garage. V tried to console her. 

Usually, V and Jackie hung out at her place, Jackie saying it felt more like a home. She thinks now, looking at all his things, that he just wanted her to feel comfortable in her own space. Knew she was more comfortable in a place she felt familiar in. 

She grabbed the tequila bottle. 

Misty walked back to the bar with her, worried looks on both their faces. 

She sat next to Vik, a little too close, arm touching his. He didn’t shy away, moving closer to make sure she knew it was okay. Looking at the alter, Jackie’s face staring back at her, she bit her tongue, unsure if the blood was in her mouth already or she did something to put it there. 

People spoke, she looked at Misty huddled in the corner. 

She stood, placed the tequila on the alter, saying nothing to the crowd. A simple, “I’m sorry...It shoulda been me, Jack. Had so much, and I took that from you...” whispered only for Jackie to hear. It wasn’t for them. What could she say to them? What was there to say? No amount of condolences could erase what she had done. The blood was on her hands, and no one else. 

At least Misty and Mama Welles were on good terms. She could do that one thing. 

~~~~

When was the last time she really cried? 

Thinking back, maybe when her boyfriend died in the firefight? Or when she lost her first friend to some unknown illness? 

But, the last time she cried like this? She didn’t know. 

Ugly sobs shook her, sitting in her car, body leaned forward. Her mouth, open, just screaming out, tears running down her neck, collar of the rather nice shirt she put on soaked. Finally alone, away from people, she just broke. This was too much to swallow. Couldn’t push it down, too much trash blocking the way.

Even Johnny let her cry like this, lying down in the backseat, saying nothing. 

She hated this. Hated that she was so busted up and broken down that she was crying in front of someone she didn’t really trust enough. Someone who when he was done listening to her sob would just say some stupid shit to get her to move it along. Takemura messaged her during the ofrenda, saying they needed to talk, and she knew that Johnny knew it happened. 

It’s just that...she couldn’t stop. A lull in the tears, and she’d see his face again, and it would start back up. Unraveling like a sweater, the loose thread tugged at a little too much, the entire garment coming undone. She hugged herself, trying so hard to find comfort in something, but she just couldn’t. At least she was entering that phase of crying where the tears dried up and they’d need a moment to come back in.

“Never looked at your memories of Jackie much...Kinda blocked off from me. Tell me ‘bout ‘im.” 

Behind her still, she couldn’t see his face, and she was glad he couldn’t see hers. “Why? So you can make fun of me for gettin’ all sad over this? ‘Cause, he wasn’t my fuckin’ input, he was just my friend.” Her voice had that quality to it, the one that people had when they cried hard, the words uncharacteristically rough, nose stopped up enough to make it sound like she had a cold. 

“I know that...But you ‘n Misty. Talked ‘bout how people didn’t really know the real Jackie. Tell me.”

Wiping her face, she made room for more tears. It was risky telling Johnny something so personal, especially when he claimed not to have seen her memories of him, but she needed to tell someone. He had no stake in what she was about to say. Unlike the rest of the people in that bar, Johnny didn’t know Jackie. Didn’t know how close he and V were. Wasn’t burdened by the fact that Jackie was gone, and that talking about him was so utterly painful.

“He was just somethin’ else, Johnny. Like a bear, maybe? Someone who was so fuckin’ kind, but could rip your face off. If he let you in, let you get to know the real Jackie, he was someone you could just...lean on for anythin’. Loved people for who they were deep down inside, not the front they put on.” Lips shaking again, the sobs tore through her, letting it all out. 

“He was the only person where when I reached out, he reached back. He took and just...gave me as much as I gave him. He was the only one who let me be myself, taught me how to be me! He treated me like a fuckin’ person, and I’ve just been so fuckin’ alone since he left. Been tryin’ to ignore the fact that he’s gone, and it just…He’s gone, Johnny. He’s gone and it’s my fault! It shoulda been me, but it wasn’t. He left so much behind, and all I woulda left is some missed rent payments and a fuckin’ collection of shitty cat figures!” 

Appearing in her front seat, he sat like a normal person, looking away from her out of the window of her car. She kept reaching out to others for so, so long, and she was so afraid when Jackie reached back that she almost cut off the entire friendship. But, he was kind to her. Taught her to look at the world differently. 

And she wanted so badly to do that for others. Offer a service she took from the world due to careless mistakes. 

“I miss him so much...And he’s really gone. He won’t just...pop into my place with some weird gig. Won’t tell me what he had for lunch, or how much Misty meant to him. Won’t...call me mija or chica. Won’t tell me I’m his second best girl, or invite me to Mama Welles’ for dinner. Gave me my first lucky cat, all ‘cause I said once that those welcoming cats in Japantown were my favorite things. He didn’t know the difference, but fuck. Slipped it into my denim jacket, right before he told me that he liked the leather one more.”

Leaning back in the seat, she covered her face with her hands, painful cries making her head hurt worse than any Relic malfunction so far could. 

“And all you’re gonna do is just fuckin’ laugh at me for bein’ a cry baby, or make fun of me for actually likin’ my chooms.”

“I’m not, V.” His metal hand rested on her shoulder, gripping it gently, so much different than the rough touches he gave her before.

“I just...know how ya feel.” 

For hours they sat there in her car, hand resting on her shoulder, V screaming out everything. Cycling between sobs and silent tears. Telling Johnny her favorite memories of Jackie, ones he didn’t look at. When she was done, her face was so swollen she couldn’t see, everything so blurred, eyes puffed out, but she had to keep going. Takemura was waiting. To mourn, now, seemed like something fruitless, her own death impending. If she tried hard enough, she could just pretend that she’d see Jackie soon.

Swallowing, she looked at Johnny. He was still looking out of the window. For once, he was so quiet, not telling her anything. Not laughing at her. Not criticizing her. Just, there. Hand on his hand, she removed it from her shoulder, placing it gently on his thigh. 

“Let’s go. Let’s figure somethin’ out. Can’t...can’t be a Night City legend if I kick the bucket now.” 

“Takemura can wait. Spent his whole life suckin’ Saburo’s dick – got patience to spare. Go get somethin’ to eat. Take a nap. Do somethin’ other than worryin’ ‘bout the Relic, or thinkin’ ‘bout death.”

“Food...don’t really wanna eat, but I don’t wanna sleep either. Kinda...afraid of what I’ll see. So you pick where we eat. Know it’ll do me some good, but can’t think of where. Got a preference?” 

“Diner food. That shit takeout you eat outside of your place, or those burritos – nasty stuff. Get somethin’ greasy, a milkshake, and a coffee.” 

“Sure, Johnny. How ya like your burger?”

~~~~

“Oh fuckin’ nasty! You really, really like this much mustard?” Opening the bun, V used the knife given to her to scrape it off, napkin dabbing what remained off of it. While she was alright with the fries in the milkshake, she was not about to eat this much mustard. If someone could get arrested for putting nasty shit on pizza in this city, he should be arrested for liking this much mustard. 

“You’re the one who fuckin’ asked me how I liked my burger, and I told you. This is what you get for doin’ shit for other people.” Leg on the table, it came dangerously close to knocking over the salt and pepper shakers perched on the edge. 

“So, you tried to teach me a lesson by making me eat mustard!? You’re fuckin’ sick. I’m adding this to your long list of transgressions. And the onions? Even more sick.” 

Coffee also wasn’t to her liking, but caffeine was caffeine. And, she figured, the meal wasn’t about whether or not she liked what she was eating. Food in her stomach – food she didn’t like, might she add – cheery banter, a choom. That’s what it was about. Johnny never offered her anymore words to help her, but that was okay. This simple act, one that was painted under the guise of it being for him, was all for her. And V felt so much better for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I laugh my ass off from making Johnny call her a horse girl? Yes I fucking did and I am not ashamed of that. Because I wrote that scene second after writing the Jackie one and I needed some cheer. I think why Jackie's death hits me the hardest is that no matter what lifestyle you pick for V, they're alone until they meet Jackie, and that hole he left is just so massive. Playing through the game again, looking at what he and V went through, seeing some of the things they talk about, it just makes me so sad


	7. Talking Like Turnstiles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of my all time favorite scenes in the game is the one where the old man keeps asking Takemura if he's some comedian, then introducing him as said comedian to Wakako. Calls V an asshole and I straight up laugh so hard when I see it. The little moments like that between characters are just so funny to me

Taking Takemura to Jig-Jig Street, watching him walk down the seedy alleys of this place, just made her laugh. The humor in it was not hard to see: here is a man who spent his life in the glamorous world of Arasaka, now walking down a place filled with sex and vice. Johnny even said the place had a wicked vibe the first time they came through here together, and that had not changed. 

“Keep snickerin’ and he’s gonna hear.” Johnny was actually walking with her instead of just glitching in front of her. Shoulder to shoulder, they followed Takemura as he explored the area. 

“Yeah, but, you think this is funny too, right? This is like if I put you in a suit and made you go to some corpo gala. You ever even wear a suit? Can’t really imagine it, actually.” She saw him rubbing his chin out of the corner of her eye, knowing there was a story coming on. 

“Once. Just once. Right after I started playin’, I got involved with this real classy chick. Wasn’t really all that interested in ‘er, but she had eddies and guess what I needed. Her old man decided to throw this swanky party, and she invited me along. Tried to get outta it by sayin’ I didn’t have a suit. Big mistake. Got my hands on some cocaine once shit got started. Not synthcoke. Real cocaine. Take a guess on what happened next.” 

“Huh, can’t imagine.” Rolling her eyes, she saw Takemura stop to talk to an old man outside of Wakako’s office. “You talk so fuckin’ casually ‘bout your drug use. Couldn’t’ve been pleasant.” 

Johnny shrugged, lighting a cigarette next to her, reaching out to hand her his lighter. For whatever reason, she tried to take it, the thing glitching out. For a moment, both of them forgot they weren’t really standing next to each other. That Johnny wasn’t real. 

“Sometimes I miss that lifestyle. It was fun. I had fun. But, don’t think it got me anywhere. Landed me with you.” 

“That kinda hurts. Thought we didn’t hate each other.”

“We don’t, V. But I’m not real happy ‘bout the way I got to know you. You know that.” 

“I know.” 

~~~~

In school, V was fed this line about how the NUSA is a melting pot, stemming from the idea that when the country was first founded it was inhabited by immigrants of many cultures. A nuanced position to have, given the dark history of how the nation was formed, even back when it was the USA, but she was of the mindset that it was partly true. At least in Night City. Each culture had its own portion of the city, but they merged together so seamlessly at times that she didn’t even notice. Roads from Valentino turf to Pacifica, Mox controlled clubs to Tyger Claw dens, all seemed to be the same to her at times. Watson’s red glow got to her the most, making it the most distinct, she thought. 

What spurred this thought was a Relic malfunction, leaving her seated next to Takemura, listening to him state why he thought the hairless cat near them was a Bakeneko. Days spent in Japantown were put to good use, not even needing to ask what he was talking about as he threw out the term. A demon cat – one that associated with death. Fitting, seeing as she was a walking corpse with another dead man inside her. 

Takemura’s perspective on life was so different than hers. Different than Johnny’s. Likely different than most people in Night City. The silver spoon of a good life was not placed in his mouth at birth, just the same as it had not been placed in hers. Still, she argued, challenging his point of view, as she saw the way that the corps treated people like her. People they deemed nothing more than street scum and low lives. He may not have been born with a silver spoon, but he fashioned one for himself, while she was left to pick up the metal shavings, cutting into her hands as she did. Nowhere along the way did he insult her, but engaged in civil disagreement, and it was mildly refreshing. 

Though, she missed someone taking jabs at her. Getting her riled up enough to yell back. Have a little fun in a serious discussion. Takemura said they are both eager to argue because of the pain of losing someone that day in Konpeki Plaza, and she had no reason to disagree with that, but she felt there was more to it. 

At least with Johnny there was more to it. 

~~~~

Slick pavement that shone in the neon lights. It was an almost constant this time of year in Night City. How many times would she be caught in the rain, licking wounds? The float was infected, and V did a good job of sneaking about, alerting no one until the very end. Leg caught on barbed wire, the guards saw her as she yelped, believing she was trying to get in, not out. Worked well for Takemura’s plan, but not for her own safety. Arasaka guards chased her down, leaving her to sit in an alleyway, gun on her leg, watching as the rain washed away a decent amount of the blood.

“What the fuck is your problem!? You had a clear out, and you decided to fuckin’ jump over the one fence with all that wire!? Are you that fuckin’ stupid, V!?” Hands up near his head, he was doing his vulture circle again, only V wasn’t afraid of him. His panic was a clear reflection of her own, it manifesting in his nervous energy rather than her being jittery. 

She had to do something about her leg, the blood loss becoming a quick problem. At the scene of the incident she didn’t have time to inspect it, and she ran a good few blocks before she huddled here in the cold rain, trying to keep from shivering as she peeled back the fabric of her torn pants. Seven long cuts to the inside of her thigh, and all of them deep. If she had the right meds in her pack, she might not need to give herself stitches – she hoped she didn’t need to give herself stitches – but she was prepared for either event. Vik taught her how to do basic sutures after a particularly nasty event out in Heywood. 

Johnny still yelled at her, spewing shit about how in the past 24 hours she’s been almost flatlined twice, all through stupid mistakes. 

“Alright you fuckin’ gonk, you handle this better than me! I fuckin’ dare you to try and do what I’m doin’! I’m doin’ what I can to just try and make sure we make it outta here! I don’t see you contactin’ all these people, earnin’ eddies, and doing fuck knows what to make sure we both have some kinda happy endin’! Now shut up, I gotta fuckin’ work or I really will flatline!” 

That was the wrong move. It set him off even more, and V had to will herself to focus on her leg, her body turning ice cold from the soaking rain. Digging around, she found a MaxDoc that she huffed, knowing it would at least alleviate the pain while she worked. Inspecting everything further, she didn’t need to suture but one of the cuts, right in the middle where the flesh jutted out more. There was also the possibility that the tissue restoration pills she cared for emergency purposes would alleviate the need to actually stitch herself together, but she’d have to wait and find out, fighting through the pain of those things first. Supplies taken out, she uncapped the bottle of alcohol, too afraid of the sting to actually pour it on the wound. Sure, the MaxDoc helped, but fuck she hated this shit so much. 

“Johnny…”

“And you never fuckin’ listen. Too fuckin’ stubborn for your own damn --”

“Johnny...”

“-- good. Like, shit, coulda just not done any of this damn mess, ‘cause I promise that Arasaka cunt ain’t gonna --”

“Johnny!” Screaming into the alleyway, her voice echoed, but it got Johnny’s attention. Locking eyes, she made sure he would stay silent to listen to her. She hated to do this, but fuck, she wanted so badly to stop him from yelling. Get him to actually do something to take her mind off this.

“I need...I need help. Gotta clean up the leg you keep bitchin’ ‘bout, alright? Just...maybe tell me a story? Sit next to me while I work? Fuckin’ somethin’ other than yellin’ in my face! Please?” A long shot for sure, something he probably wasn’t going to do. Ever since Takemura showed up it was like back to square one for them, the Relic talk making him jumpy and eager to bounce any time trouble popped up, fear coursing through him now too. V guessed her leg was probably the straw that broke the camel’s back. 

And he was gone. Typical. 

Alcohol poured on the open wound, she was glad that the rain was here to mask some of the tears she shed at the sheer pain. A bottle of tissue restoration pills was opened, one and a half of the pills taken, and she was unsure if the rain damaged the rest of them. She’d check when she was dry. The wait was long, and V just had her chin resting on her chest, legs in front of her, the pain the only thing keeping her from passing out. No matter what, she had to stay awake. She was still on the run, technically. 

“Ah! Shit!” 

Might be in vain, the Relic malfunction alert sending a different kind of pain running through her. She was getting so much worse day by day, like living paycheck to paycheck but with her own body. And right now, she hadn’t put in enough hours. Missed payments on her own organic structure and on her actual rent. The voice that Johnny told her about came back, its loud screaming in her ears again. She couldn’t do anything right, couldn’t even save her own skin figuratively and literally. She highly doubted she could even accomplish her own self imposed gig of helping those around her, likely to flatline before she made strides in that. Even breathing was starting to get difficult. 

Teeth chattering together, she didn’t know if it was the cold or the blood loss that was making her shake now, but it didn’t matter much. If she died in this alleyway, so be it. Probably deserved that much, a better fate than what she put some of the people she had contact with. 

“You’re thinkin’ you hit rock bottom, but you really haven’t. Get up. Go home, V.” 

She didn’t even respond to that. She wasn’t even sure Johnny glitched out of her head, his voice sounding so close yet so far away. Chin to her chest still, she maintained her seat, the rain still pouring down on her. At least it was washing away the blood.

“What? Convenient for you to talk shit to me when I’m not askin’ for help? Fuck off, Johnny.” Now she heard the noise that preceded his arrival, and she could feel his organic arm pressed against her as he sat down. 

“Don’t need my help, V. Handled yourself just fine.” 

“This some sick fuckin’ lesson again? I don’t need you to fuckin’ baby me – I’m a grown ass woman. If I’m askin’ for help...” If she was asking for help, she didn’t need it – she can handle herself just fine usually. But, it was a matter of pride. Sucking it in and asking for something she didn’t think she deserved. And she asked Johnny. And he let her down. 

“C’mere.” That organic arm wrapped itself around her shoulders, making her limp body fall into him, head resting in an odd position on his shoulder. Metal fingers moved her head into a more comfortable place, his body still as warm as if it he had been sunbathing. “Leg’s lookin’ better. Pills must’ve worked. Next problem is the fact you’re fuckin’ freezing. Not like I can offer you a jacket.” 

That made V let out a weak laugh – more a puff of air that sounded similar to a laugh – shaking her head. “Wouldn’t give me your jacket, Johnny. You’re not that type o’ guy.”

“You’re right. Wasn’t that type o’ guy. And my jacket was leather. Woulda kept you dry and warm.”

“Then you’d be cold and wet.”

“I’d be alright with that. Think you can stand? Need to get outta here ‘fore those ‘Saka guards follow the blood trail. Good thing that it’s rainin’, but that won’t keep them off your ass for long.”

V moved her legs, realizing just how weak she was right now. It was a terrifying feeling, knowing that her body was deteriorating quicker than she had planned for. A huff, and she tried standing again, a fawn on its legs for the first time. Hands quickly grasping above her elbows kept her upright, saving her from going down face first onto the pavement. Or into the nearby wall. Neither of those were good outcomes. 

“Make it up to ya?” 

Should she let him? Did she have a choice? So many questions in addition to those, but the answer always came down to if Johnny didn’t have her back then they’d both die. And even if it was selfish preservation, it helped her in the long run. Made it so she could live another day, work ever closer to her goals. 

“Yeah...Can’t walk home, can’t drive either. Get me to the metro. I can take that.” 

“Alright.” 

It was awkward, but Johnny helped her limp to the nearest metro station, holding her up as she sat on the train. She wasn’t bleeding as badly now, but who was going to look at her on that metro anyway? Only in Night City could one be surrounded by so many and yet no one know you exist. 

~~~~

Pants discarded in the trash, hair towel dried not being able to shower with a semi open wound that needed extra attention, V sat on the couch, wrapped in a soft blanket, wounded leg propped on the coffee table with Johnny seated beside it. She was still cold, likely not getting warm for a while.

“Gonna leave a nasty scar that.” 

V shrugged, sipping a can of NiCola, Johnny saying something about needing to raise her blood sugar. “Does it matter? With its placement not like I’ll have to explain it to anyone. And not like that even matters anyway – everyone in Night City has some kind of scar. Don’t go ‘round askin’ people why they’re missin’ an eye or an arm, and people don’t come askin’ me why I have gashes all over my body. It’s just the way the world works.” 

“Suppose you’re right.” Something was clearly bothering him, eyes still fixed on her leg, looking at the mangled flesh there, looking rather distorted from the pills she took, healing in an unnatural way. 

“Got one that looks a little like it. I’d show you, but I haven’t looked at what’s actually beneath my clothes. Don’t even know if I got a dick anymore.”

“Oh yeah? Think you owe me a story, seein’ as you were the biggest asshole in the world to me while I was bleedin’ out in the alley. Can’t do much else other than chat each other up, so may as well tell me how ya got it.” 

“It’s long, you gonna listen?” V nodded, still sipping her can. 

“Like I said, can’t do much else. And, like I’ve pointed out before, you can see all that’s goin’ on in my head ‘cause you have no respect for me. I, on the other hand, refuse to dig ‘round in your head. Prolly for the better, I think – I only see what I have to.”

His leg started bouncing, a cigarette pulled out of thin air. “Don’t really look like I used to, just so you know. Haven’t in a while.” The lighter went off, and he passed it to V again, and she took it like the last time. 

“Gonna tell me the story now?” 

“Sure, V.” 

Sitting there in her apartment, Johnny told her a story. One that made her laugh. A time where he and Kerry had to bust open a window at a venue that locked them out, all their gear inside. Johnny hoisted Kerry up, the shorter of the two, Kerry avoiding the glass upon entry. Johnny, as he pointed out before, wasn’t so lucky, bleeding all over the place while Kerry was forced to sneak around and collect the gear before they made their exit. While the contents of the story weren’t that funny, the way in which Johnny told it was, expletives and dick jokes galore. 

Made her feel warm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there are only 14 chapters planned, so half way through! Thank you for all the people reading this :3 it really is something I've enjoyed writing just because it is pretty easy to write plot adjacent things as a relaxation thing. So again, thank you all who are reading <3


	8. Jealousy Rides With Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I keep doing River so fucking dirty because I know where this is going and oooooh man. I am so sorry my dude

Days moved in slow motion leading up to the parade. A lot hinged on this plan working, one she almost messed up before it even began. She did jobs with mindless carelessness, doing things she wouldn’t have normally done out of the simple fact she just wasn’t thinking. Somehow, all of them involved BD tech in some form or fashion. 

Investigating the death of the mayor (which she completely missed due to her own problems), helping Judy (BD queen herself) liberate Clouds from the Tyger Claws as an act of revenge, and now, ending up in an ice cold bath. At least with Judy she was adhering to her own brand of rebellion, trying to make a better place for those left behind. Judy seemed happy about it, and she owed her so much.

Heart stopping as she opened her eyes, scanning where she was, she knew she recognized this place and knew she was fucking in for it. Turning to the door, there wasn’t a person standing there to help her or cover her back. Not like she expected. 

It wasn’t one of her nightmares. 

At least last time she got zapped by a spiked BD River was there to hold her until she got on her feet again. Her regular companion was rarely that nice. Flopping out onto the floor, her vision blacked out, leaving her in the darkness once more. 

“Just like me, isn’t it? Gettin’ trapped in the brain of Night City’s dumbest merc...” 

Ah, what a lovely wake up call. Insults in the morning as fresh as the best brewed coffee. 

“Wha...what happened?” She knew what happened, at least as to how she got here, but she wanted to know that if she looked down she’d still have all her organs intact. 

“Look around and connect the dots.” Next time she had any semblance of strength, she’d choke him. He might like it, but she didn’t care. She’d fucking do it. 

“Scavs...” though he was right about one thing, “Shit! Ugh…can’t believe I got conned...” She kinda could, really. When was the last time she slept? Been since the night that Johnny told her about his leg, falling asleep at the end of it all. Didn’t stay asleep, a nightmare waking her. Plus that business with River and Judy left her exhausted, fully expecting Panam to call soon enough to ask a favor of her to compound it all. 

“So your brain isn’t completely fried to a crisp...That’s good. Time to wake up ‘cause you’re about to be breakfast.” 

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Johnny. You really can go fuck yourself.” Still on the floor, she felt too bare. Registering everything, she groaned. Naked as the day she was born. Of course she was. Sandra Dorsett wasn’t any better off. 

“There any clothes in here?” 

“Nope.”

Sighing, she rose to her feet, not really giving Johnny a warning, not like it mattered much. She wasn’t the most modest person in the world anyway, not caring who saw her naked. Mostly, it was out of respect for Johnny, who she was less than impressed with at the moment. 

“You gonna find some or are you gonna roll ‘round Night City like the cheapest joytoy on the market?” 

“Public nudity is legal, so I could. Bother you that much? Gonna joke about my body? Everything is a punch below the belt with you so get it over with.”

His snort and eye roll was a little uncharacteristic just in the way, not even looking at anything but her face. “Couple things. First, I don’t give two shits about nudity, same as you. Second, if you think I’m gonna joke someone’s body you got me all wrong. Had a thought about me once. Went something like ‘he’d fuck anythin’ that moved – anythin’ with a pulse,’ and you’re mostly right. Third, I already hit below the belt, ‘cause this somehow tops puttin’ on a BD helmet that killed the fuckin’ mayor and goin’ back into that whore house. And you’re not even listenin’ to me. So, what’s in that gonk brain of yours now?”

“Makin’ my gameplan, and all of it involves findin’ my gear and some clothes. Hopefully they’re both in the same place. Cleaned out this place once before, so doin’ it again will be fine.” Looking around, she didn’t hear anyone moving around near her, so her exit from the room was likely clear. It was the rest of the place that was the problem with leaving. 

“Fine. Want my help? Cover your ass?” 

“What? Literally? Sorry, Johnny, but no one else can see you. Not even the shirt off your back could help me now.”

“Har, har. Want my help or not?” 

Crouching down, she made her way to the door, ear pressed to it to double check her senses. “Yeah, I’d appreciate it. Back up’s never bad. Miss havin’ it.” 

~~~~

The request to meet with River about something they couldn’t talk about over the holo seemed pretty normal to her. Their last meeting ended with him reporting to Internal Affairs about the damn murder of the mayor, so of course if something happened there it would have to been done in person. 

Johnny, however, was not pleased. 

“Do you just hate everyone that isn’t me or Rogue in this city? And fuck, sometimes I gotta question if you don’t hate me too!” Sitting outside of the meeting point, she had a bit to wait for River to show, and she was too tired to go out and do small jobs in the time between. Her body really was crumbling from the inside out, and she was getting really irritable over it.

“We’ve been over this so many fuckin’ times V, I gotta question if you even fuckin’ listen to me at all. Told you back in the beginnin’ I didn’t hate you. And I don’t hate everyone. I actually kinda like Judy now, and I’ve always liked Panam. Misty’s weird as shit, but she respects me, asks about me, and Vik is...He looks out for you like you’re his own. Fuck, I even like Claire, even though you got me trapped in that truck of hers, racin’ off into the sun. So nah, it really is just this motherfucker.” 

A light, and V instinctively reached out her hand, the thing placed in her palm feeling more real day by day. “Is it ‘cause he’s a cop? Look, I don’t really fuck with the NCPD either. They routinely beat the shit outta me. But, River saved my life. Kinda owe ‘im. And, if it’s more shit ‘bout Rhyne and Holt I gotta get the intel for the Peralezes. Keep ‘em in the loop. Right now, my hands are tied. And dependin’ on what he is askin’ of me, this’ll likely be the last I see of him. You and I are both not strangers to workin’ with the enemy to get what we want.” 

“Might be right there, from what you tell me, but I still fuckin’ hate this gonk. I’ll be at home if you need me.” Fading away, V rolled her eyes, not even sure what his real problem with River was. He couldn’t even challenge her on her reasoning on working with him, which meant it was a serious personal problem. But, as River pulled up, she didn’t think on it much. 

~~~~

“Cops seem to like you --”

“Man of the hour! Thought you were at home?”

Up against the wall, his arms were crossed and he was looking away from her, standoffish to the point that she was confused. He hadn’t been this closed off since before...Shit. Since before the talk about Evelyn. 

“I was watchin’. Could be this one’s sniffin’ around for somethin’ extra?” 

“Whoa? No, River’s alright!” 

“Mmm, yeeeeah.” A long sigh, and she crossed her arms now, hip cocked to the side, waiting for his shitty take on this. 

“Can tell you got somethin’ to say, so say it. And don’t add in any shitty metaphors. Haven’t done that in a while and I’m thankful.” 

“Me? No, no.” Biggest lie ever told in the history of mankind. “Just maybe this cop’s flyin’ straight into your pants.” 

“Well, nice of you to be concerned, but may I remind you I’m a grown ass woman, and I’m real sick of you treating me like I’m not.” Both groaned at the same time, clearly sick of the other’s shit. Johnny, in typical fashion, took out a cigarette, this time throwing her the lighter, making her raise her hand up to catch it.

“I’m not tryin’ to treat you like a child, V. But I think you’re real shit at pickin’ up on romantic signals.”

“Name one time I’ve missed ‘romantic signals’.” Fingers doing air quotes, V raised both her eyebrows in expectant rebuttal, waiting to see him continue his shitty little assessment. 

Face dead, Johnny just kept smoking, waiting while V held her eyebrows as high as she could. “I’m waitin’.” 

“I’m not doin’ this. Don’t fuck the cop.” With that, he was out, leaving V to get back into the River’s truck, prepped and ready to argue with him over the fact that he lied to her about still having his badge. 

~~~~

Sleepless in her bed, V was thankful this time it wasn’t for some nightmare shaking her awake. This time it was nerves. Tomorrow she had to go and take down the entire Arasaka security team in order to contact Hanako. Get something that resembled help. If she didn’t fuck it up. And the business with Randy? Having to go liberate that whole farm full of kids? She was having a bad time. 

She had been doing relatively okay for a while now. The sinking realization of her own death was covered up until it was thrown back in her face. She was mainly focused on Johnny’s ever present banter, helping the people she was around, and she wasn’t concerned about turning into Johnny for a while either. 

Now, all she wanted was a smoke, a drink, and maybe some pills – anything to quiet her mind and allow her some well needed rest. Everything in her body was slowly failing. She had a Relic malfunction on the way to the farm, having to pull over and botching the whole operation. What if that happened during tomorrow’s events? What if the next one really did lay her ass out for good? What if it allowed more of Johnny to seep into her? 

A few nights ago she had a nightmare about losing her arm in Mexico. It felt so real that she had to clutch her arm, the flesh still burning for hours after it happened. Her eyes strained against the sun, making her want to wear sunglasses constantly. She just didn’t want to turn into Johnny. 

“You’re not turnin’ into me. Trust me. Want me to repeat all the arguments I’ve made before? Lay ‘em all out on the table?” 

Right, Johnny was sitting beside in her in bed. They really were close now, even if they did argue all the time. That old married couple label might be getting more and more accurate day by day. Knees pulled to her chest, she shrugged, not sure what she wanted. 

“Thought you didn’t dig ‘round in my head anymore?” 

“I don’t, but it’s that voice again. Tellin’ you, V. Sometimes it becomes so loud it scares me. And I don’t scare easy.” 

The inside of her lip was raw, shredded to shit by her teeth. “Sorry...nothin’ really seems to quiet it.” 

“Some things do.” Metal hand on her shoulder again, he guided her back, laying her down on her pillow. “Fuckin’ try and sleep, V. If shit goes south, my guess is this’ll be the last time you’ll be seein’ these walls for a while.” 

“You realize that didn’t help, right?” Complying, she crawled under her covers, knowing how much Johnny hated the normal way she slept. What she could never figure out how she got into a normal position when she woke up, but she figured her body did stranger shit as of late. 

“This might. You don’t have to do this shit alone anymore. If you can’t sleep I’ll be here. Just say the fuckin’ word. Not like I ever have to sleep anyway.” 

“Guess I never really asked, but...what do you do while I sleep? Like, it has to be boring.” Turning her body, she was on her side, looking at Johnny, ghostly glow lighting up her little alcove. 

“Used to just kinda,” he waved his hand around her head, “poke ‘round in your head. See what was in there. But, since I stopped that I just kinda sit here. Not like I have to wait long ‘fore you’re up again.” 

Grim, but true. V figured that she would squeeze only a few precious hours of sleep out of this little nap, and then it would be on to jobs before she had to meet with Takemura for the parade. 

“Ya know, think you’ve gone soft on me Johnny,” rolling over, she faced out into her room, fully expecting him to fade over to her coffee table. Eyes closed, she didn’t wait for him to be in front of her, rarely ever staying behind her for long unless he was asked to or was in the car. 

“You fuckin’ wish, you cunt…Night, V.”

“Night, Johnny.”


	9. Someday You Will Be Loved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kdjfkdslfjsdkf my partner knew I was writing something for the Pistis Sophia scene because I kept playing it on repeat. It just...it's so wonderful. A sharp something near your heart? Fuck.

V was tired. She was sore. Her Relic malfunctioned a few minutes ago, and Johnny had to hold her shoulders while she puked all over her shoes. The gun in her lap shook in her hands, and she was just tired. So fucking tired. 

Everything was a success, all things considered. Could have been worse, she supposes, ending with both her and Takemura dead. At least both limped out of there alive. At least she was alive to hear Johnny complain about the shitty little room they were in. Kept her from nodding off. 

“No, for real – who fuckin’ comes here to sleep? We’re a couple miles outside of Night City...” he kept droning on, and V was feeling another malfunction coming on, but she was trying so hard to suppress it. Fuck...she was dying. And Hanako would be of no help. Swallowing down the tears, she tried to keep listening to Johnny. 

“I’ll tell you who sleeps here. Losers.” 

“Yup, just two fuckin’ losers.” Damn she sounded sad. Her face scrunched in on itself, the sole purpose to try and keep herself just a little more grounded. The movement helped. “And I thought we were screwed when Goro kidnapped Hanako.” 

“Mhm. See? Decide to cross a corp, this is what happens.” 

A hand up, she wanted him to stop, knowing he would be going on a rant soon. “No lectures. Not...not right now...” 

“You look fuckin’ pathetic, V.” All she did was hum in agreement, knowing he was right. Fight with Oda was the worst of it, having to take down a top Arasaka body guard leaving her truly worse for wear. Who fucking thinks that’s a good idea? Fuck she needed sleep. She’d even sleep on the bed that Johnny said had dirty needles under it. Wouldn’t kill her instantly. 

“We’ll find us a better place to sleep, V. Not here. Not now. Just gotta keep movin’. Keep watchin’.” 

The space behind her ear burned, the Relic releasing its venom. “V!” was the only warning she had as her head rolled forward, making her shoot up again, watching the door. Thanks to Vik, she had a rather nice grip added to her hand, the gun never slipping from it. 

“Hey...you’re joinin’ my pity parties, Johnny. Should I --” a cough, no blood, “should I get the streamers? Sure someone left a stash of somethin’ in here we could use to party.” 

“Neither of us are in the fuckin’ mood to joke, let alone party. So quit fuckin’ coverin’ up shit by actin’ all tough.” 

“Rich, comin’ from you.” 

What shit changed to make this so much worse? Never in her life had she felt this horrible, mentally and physically. Getting closer to the finish line seemed so much more terrifying than it had at the beginning of her journey. Shit, what would she have done if Hanako had believed her? Not like she actually trusted the bitch. Arasaka was liable to fuck her over worse than anyone else, and the only reason she went along with it is that she trusted Takemura. Trusted him not to fuck her over. And he didn’t, really, but it hurt that it had been over 24 hours and still nothing from him. She stuck her neck out for him – saved him – and nothing. 

Fear spiked in Johnny, knowing it wasn’t coming from her. His fear felt different when it was all his own and not a reflection of hers. Taking her eyes from the door, he was watching her, sitting motionless, which made his presence eerie. Like he really was a ghost – a stack of data in her head, frozen in time. 

“Johnny...I’m alright.” 

“You’re a fuckin’ lyin’ cunt.”

She nodded, the hand not on the gun rubbing her face. “Mmm. Room you occupy – it lookin’ shitty again?” 

“Funny. It’s real cozy for me, but it feels like when your parents are arguin’ downstairs. Your room might be alright, but leave it and there’ll be hell to pay.” 

“I’m tired...I’m hungry...I haven’t showered. Got so much blood on me, and I dunno where it all came from...” She wanted to admit how she felt inside, more than just simple things people could assume, but she stopped herself. They weren’t safe. They had to make sure they stayed focused. It was likely that Johnny could feel it all, regardless of if she admitted it to him or not. 

“Hear that?” Fuck.

“Car.”

“At this hour? In this place?” Now it was her turn to be afraid, the adrenaline making her heart pump faster, eyes wide open and glued back on the door. “Fuck!” 

A pause. She listened. One. 

“Just one?” Johnny turned to her briefly, and she could feel his eyes on her. A nod, a glance between them, and he looked...off. Something was wrong. 

“Finger on the trig, V.” Where the fuck else would it be? But, fine. She held the gun, pointed at the door, finger on the trigger, and she felt bad for the sorry motherfucker who knocked. So jumpy at this point she’d shoot no matter who it was. Even if it was Takemura. 

“Not a word,” whispered to her like he was actually there.

“I have a message for V.” 

~~~~

Groaning, she got out of the chair she was seated in, after listening to the woman spew a message from Hanako. Shit didn’t seem right, but she didn’t focus on it much. Really, she just said lines fed to her by Johnny, of all people, her brain feeling like a scrambled egg. Old anti-drug use commercial came to mind, and fuck she knew she never watched it. 

Vision coming in through blue lines, she walked out of the room, Johnny leaning against a pole like always. She fucking felt it coming. Another fucking long ass rant about his fucked up politics. 

Shakespeare wrote that the world is a stage, right? Didn’t he? Fuck, those weren’t her memories again, but...She thinks it’s fitting, putting on an act for the one person who knew how to call her bluff better than the rest of the world. 

“What’s up? Got a few more words ‘bout the...the ‘porcelain cunt’? Fuck!” 

More blood spit into her hand, the burning throughout her body. Powerful pull towards the ground, her brain feeling worse than the scrambled egg it was. A wave of fear, not her own, pushed her further over, stumbling a bit into Johnny. 

“Shit, get ready.” 

Guiding her, she walked into the parking lot, events coming in slowly – lagged. Knees scraped the pavement, hands breaking her fall until she rolled to the side, limbs seizing up. 

“Fuck!” Rushing over, Johnny looked frightened, and she was too. Noises like a dying animal, she felt like screaming. Reach. She had to reach. Hope to hell he reached back. Hope to hell he didn’t just use this as his chance, because she might not be coming back. She felt like she was dying, and these would be her final moments. On the concrete, dying there like she always knew she would. 

“Ugh-gh! Johnny!” That’s not what she meant to say, but that’s all she could. Desperate for him – and desperate was not a good place to be. Reach. She reached out. Fuck, please, let him reach back. 

“You ain’t dyin’ yet.” His voice was soft, ringing in her ears unable to drown that out. “I got you.” 

Her last sensation was his hands on her wrists, sliding down her arms, resting on her shoulders, then cupping the back of her head. The relief of knowing that he reached back. 

~~~~

“Johnny...” 

Pills in her hands, dirt on her arms. But she was safe, and she wasn’t in the parking lot of that motel. Senses still dulled, she smelled…something. Familiar yet strange all at once, everything still topsy-turvy and disorienting. 

“That smell’s the sea breeze.” That’s why it’s familiar. Right. Night City was by the ocean. Spend too much time in the heart of the city and a person could forget that. Rare was the moment she was in a part of it that faced the ocean, but she wished that one day she could go to a place with a beautiful view of the sea that wasn’t Pacifica. The Relic fucking her up was still in full swing, that telltale sound still ringing in her ears. Just a moment more on the ground…

“Get up. Pacific’s beautiful this time of day.” 

Time of day? Right. It was night when she hit the ground. She supposed that somehow Johnny picked her up off the pavement, the pills in her hand giving her an idea of how it was done. Rising, she screwed her eyes shut for a moment, vertigo making the world spin. Opening them again, Johnny had his hand out, and she took it, standing next to him now. 

“Almost flatlined by that attack.” Bright red Aviators covered his eyes, but the sun shone in just the right spot so that she could still see them through the shades. He looked sad. 

“Almost.” 

Two people stood there, neither taking their eyes off the other. Two people who shared one body, one mind at times. Lived in the other’s soul. They looked at each other, listening to the ocean. 

“You’re right, it is beautiful. Hard to take my eyes off it.” 

V felt she was dying – knew she was dying – and knew Johnny was dead, but the moments when she and Johnny just stood there looking at the other, did things that had nothing to do with the Relic, she felt alive again. Before, she questioned whether or not she would have liked to meet Johnny at a different point in her life, where he was a person in a separate body. She knows now that she would. She would more than like that.

“We in...Pacifica? What’s this building?” She didn’t have to look around to know they were in Pacifica, and frankly she was afraid that if she took her eyes off Johnny the whole world would crumble away. 

“Old hotel – the Pistis Sophia. We’re her sole guests right now. Wanted to show you somethin’. C’mon.” Johnny made the first move to stop looking at the other, ever pushing her towards a new goal. She finally thinks he’s right – she is losing her drive, and when it was gone it may not ever come back. Tears pricked at her eyes, but she swallowed them back, following Johnny on shaky feet. 

“Why...why bring me here of all places?” 

“Gimme a minute, you’ll see.” 

Deep breaths kept her steady, feeling like the kid who ran up the hill and didn’t want people to hear them breathing hard. Slow, steady, one foot in front of the other. “You took over...” a statement of fact, trying to think of how she even ended up over here, but realizing those memories were likely gone. Wasn’t like when she was in control. Once Johnny took over she saw nothing. 

“Couldn’t just leave you there, could I?” Realistically, the answer was yes. It would benefit him the most, but...that might have been the most tender thing he said to her so far. Fuck, she must really have one foot in the grave. 

Back on the ground, glass in her hands. She’d pick it out later – not like she really felt it anyway, limbs still partially numbed. All he did was stand there, watching her. Didn’t help her, but he didn’t keep pushing her. 

“Thanks for helpin’.” Back on her feet again, Johnny kept pressing ever forward. A quip about imaginary friends and what they’re for. To her, to V, he wasn’t imaginary. He was as real as any other friend she had. More real depending on the moment. 

World glitching out again, she fell, and Johnny was there beside her this time, arms twitching like he was going to reach down to help her. V beat him to it, arm flying up to grip the wall. “Return the favor first chance I get.” 

“Hold you to that.” Fuck Johnny sounded sad. Shit. A joke. She had to make a joke. Make a fucking joke so that he didn’t sound so fucking sad. 

“Your first thought was sex, wasn’t it?” 

That made him smile, turning from her to continue his walk down a path she didn’t know the end of. “Well, technically we’d be jackin’ off. But, nah, you’re not my type.” 

Words stung, but she knew that was likely the truth, and wasn’t going to dig around in his ever buzzing head to figure it out. She was nothing like Alt. Nothing like Rogue. Despite his shithead tendencies and manipulative personality, he was attracted to strong, independent women who could put him in his place if the need arose. Women who had their shit together, even if their one weakness was a certain rockerboy. V wasn’t that. At least not right now. Likely never was, the more she thought about it. She thrived off of helping others – of having to be needed. That wasn’t independence. That wasn’t strength. 

Slow walk, he finally stopped at a window. “Climb through the window. Can manage that, I think.” A tall request with how she felt now, but she probably could. Wouldn’t be able to do much else after she did it, but she could climb through.

~~~~

“Would you take a bullet for me?” 

Sitting on that nasty floor, legs and arms covered in cuts and scrapes, her own mind eating her alive, the parasite seated in front of her, she wanted to tell him that was a dumb question. But he wasn’t asking to get sass from her. He wasn’t asking her to physically take a bullet for him. That’s not what he was asking. 

“I would, yeah.” 

~~~~

His life for hers.

A promise. 

A promise she didn’t want him to keep. 

A promise she didn’t want to think about. 

~~~~

“Thought I told you we were skippin’ this step, V.” 

“I know, I know. I’m not gonna...not for days. Just need...somethin’. Five minutes, alright? Then...Rogue. Bed clean enough?” 

When she tumbled through the window, crawled to the vent that housed the tags, she saw two mattresses in the room. Only one had to be clean enough for her to lie in – rest for a moment. Probably couldn’t climb out of the window anyway, so it was either on a bed or on the floor. 

“Sure, if you don’t mind a little dirt and dead bugs.” 

“Slept in worse.” On all fours, she crawled to the bed, climbing in and flopping on her side. There was space on the small mattress. “Lay with me…Johnny...”

“V...”

“Please.” 

The click of his Aviators being folded, the creak of the mattress (even if it was fabricated by her mind) and he was lying there next to her, on the same small mattress. She figured, even if he did oblige her, that he’d be on the other one beside it. She was glad she was wrong. 

“I think...I think I’m dyin’...for real.” 

She felt her lips quiver, and fuck she didn’t want to cry in front of him again, though she doubted he’d laugh at her now. Didn’t laugh at her before. 

“Close call, I’ll give you that, but your time ain’t up.”

“How did it feel? Is it true? Is it like goin’ to sleep?” 

“V...”

No longer did she have to question whether or not they were close enough to have these conversations. He carried her from that motel to here. A place where he promised his life for hers. Where she told him she would do the same. 

“Best part of all this is that...maybe I’ll see Jack again.”

“Said you needed five minutes to rest. So fuckin’ do it – don’t think like this. Told you, you’re not dyin’. Not gonna die. Not lettin’ that happen.” Flesh met her own, fingers wiping a stray tear and tucking hair behind her ear. The pads of his fingers were rough, likely from playing the guitar for so long, and as he rested his hand on her cheek the rings on his fingers felt cold. Details that made him feel real. 

“Can I ask you somethin’, then?” 

A nod, pinky moving to wipe away a tear, the last she shed.

“Why do you keep handin’ me your lighter?” 

The question confused him, his eyebrows knitting together, lost in thought once more. “I don’t hand you my lighter...”

“Yeah, you do...Each time you smoke I know to stick my hand out. It’s placed in my palm...Threw it at me when we were arguin’ ‘bout River that one time. Funny, I even held out my hand durin’ my fight with Oda, hearin’ its click, even though I knew I couldn’t take it and you were just smokin’ to relieve the stress of watchin’ me get my ass handed to me.” Her own hand dared to move, placed on his waist, touching him. She felt his breath hitch, the warmth from his skin, still as warm as ever. In the rain that day it made her feel safe, even if she was pissed as hell at him. Did the same thing now. 

“Lighter was given to me by Alt...Only other person I ever handed that thing to was Rogue – no one else touches it. You sure…? I’m handin’ that thing to you, for real?” V nodded, and for whatever reason she felt fear so strong it made her own heart beat faster. Made her want to puke.

“Every time. Never ask me for it, though I always expect you to. Just...materialize it and then pass it my way. Confused the shit outta me at first, but I don’t really think ‘bout it anymore.” 

“Lucky girl. No one touches that lighter.”

“Mmm, luckiest I’ve felt all year.” Rough fingers traced down her skin to her neck, goosebumps forming on her skin. They ran along the line of the chain of the tags she now wore on her neck, putting them on without a second thought. His finger separated the two necklaces she wore now. 

“You know, you don’t gotta wear these. More a symbolic gesture...Gonna tangle in the chain of your pendant.” 

“Maybe...but...Symbolic or not, it’s gonna serve the same purpose as that bullet. A reminder.” Time ticked on, and the more time they spent on that bed, the more that fear kept rising. It prompted her to think of her own fears.

“Wanna know what I’m afraid of most of all?” 

“Don’t need to tell me, V. I know you’re afraid of losin’ yourself. Turnin’ into me.” The tags had dipped below her shirt, and Johnny’s fingers stopped when the chain disappeared beneath it. V took the hand from his waist, holding his organic hand to her chest, hoping he could feel her heart beat. 

“More than that...I’m afraid of the day – if it even comes – when I stop hearin’ you. You’re a dick, I barely trust you sometimes, and fuckin’ Christ you’re flaky. Can barely rely on you to do shit…But, you could’ve just...let me alone. Let me die on any street in Night City. Keep pickin’ my ass up...Keep remindin’ me that I’m still me – somewhere deep inside anyway. I dunno what life’ll be like when...when that stops. ‘Cause I think...” Trailing off, she couldn’t finish that. 

Another emotion, one so strange – an emotion she had never felt before – filled her nerves. Johnny’s hand on her chest shook, and she steadied it in her own. 

“It’s been five minutes...Gonna get up and see Rogue?” 

“Can I push for five more? Please?” 

“Thought you wanted me to treat you like a grown woman? I’m not your mom.” His voice still didn’t have any malice in it, just joking with her like he always did. A language that she understood. 

“Alright, get the picture. But, really. Still feelin’ like shit. Wish I could take a fuckin’ nap.” Releasing his hand, it lingered for a moment before he pulled it back, helping her sit up from the bed. 

Climbing back out of the window, her limbs felt better, stronger, and she walked over to the wall again, looking out onto the ocean – actually looking at it. Couldn’t have been in that room for long, the sun still orange and bright, shining on the ocean.

“It really is beautiful, ain’t it, V?” 

“Most beautiful thing in the world, I think. Wish...wish it could always be like this.” 

“We both know that ain’t happenin’. May as well move on while we still can. Sun’s not gonna shine like this forever.” 

“True, but I’ll never forget it. Not somethin’ I think you can.” 

“No it’s not...No it’s not.” 

A click, a light, and her palm stretched out. Rough fingers lingered there as she was handed the lighter, holding it securely until it fizzled from existence, her hand still closed, trying so hard to capture the feeling in her mind. Commit that feeling to memory. She didn’t want to forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm using this fic as a writing exercise, looking at the characters and where they ended up, mostly because I have one final long fic I have planned for this fandom. Maybe I'll write another, but as it stands now once this one is finished and I finish published the next one, it'll just be one shots until I stop. I think the fact this game is based off of a tabletop game just like hit the right spot for my little rat brain, and I was inspired. Next fic is still in a draft stage, so it may be a tad before it's published, but if people are curious it's not set in this AU, and it's based on a heist. Jamming that thing full of tropes as a nice little send off to a game that really inspired me to write like this again.


	10. Summer Skin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dskjfksldfj okay, real talk, the scene where Johnny takes over V might be a horrible violation of trust, but it's also one of the most fun scenes in the game. It had me fucking rolling as it happened, and then I got mad. But, like, it was fun. Horrible, horrible fun

The blue glow of the Afterlife was comforting, knowing that this was a place she was safe in. Johnny leaning against the wall was also nice, reaffirming that she had some people in her corner that she could trust. She owed it to Johnny to get Smasher, and if Rogue could help then she’d let Johnny do the talking. 

“Alright, givin’ you control. Just...talk to Rogue, then send me back. Dunno what these pills will do to me, but given what happened back at the Pistis Sophia, they’re not that great for me. And, I’m still a little nervous ‘bout all this.” 

Johnny just rolled his eyes, fingers drumming the wall behind him. “Relax, V. Not gonna take your body on a joyride. Told ya, just gonna talk to Rogue. Really think that lowly of me?” 

“You know I don’t.” But there was still apprehension. Something in her told her that this was a bad idea – that a sinister something was lurking. However, Johnny pointed out multiple times that she should trust him. Proved that when push came to shove, he would be there for her. 

To give him this much control over her dying body, to place it in his hands, was the ultimate act of trust. Pill swallowed, she sank into the darkness of her own mind, unable to see what was going on.

~~~~

For a while, V thought she was back at the Pistis Sophia, lying on that bed with Johnny, staring up at the fan. That somehow she almost flalined again and that he took her back there to keep her safe. And V wished that’s where her mind stayed, ignorant to the reality of what just happened. No, as fate would have it, she was brought back to reality by someone softly calling her name, and she knew that wasn’t Johnny. 

Blood coughed into her hand, she sat up, looking over to see the Queen of the Afterlife herself, giving her this sad look. V must have looked pathetic to elicit sympathy from her. Or maybe she thought Johnny still had control and she was just testing the waters. 

“Spit blood first thing every morning?” V thought she sounded her like her mother, and had she been feeling any better she might have pointed that out. Instead, she just spat more out, trying to get rid of all the horrible tastes in her mouth. 

“Talk ‘bout somethin’ else, please?” Holding her head, she tried to look at Rogue, but she seriously felt like she was about to die. And the one person she trusted enough to tell that to had burned that bridge. Probably why his gonk ass isn’t showing his face. 

Rogue gave her the play by play of what she experienced, and V tried to remember the rest. For the first time, she rummaged around in Johnny’s head – without his permission – trying to find snippets of the night. Drinks from Claire, drugs, strippers, car crashes, the whole nine yards and then some. Nerves on fire, she realized that digging much more might get her in trouble with her own body, so she stopped. 

“Face is changing, you know.” V felt her body tense up, shiver running all through her. She must have looked scared, Rogue softening her face once again. Told her of the mean smirk her wore, the way she carried herself now, the way he made her talk, and smoke. It was all Johnny. 

She was going to die as Johnny, and the previous day that had been a mildly comforting thing – to know she meant something to him. Now she knows what Johnny would do in her body, and she just as afraid as she had been that first night. Felt like that first night too, her face pounding. Rogue offered as comforting of words she could at the end of that, but V knew better. She was becoming Johnny. 

At least Johnny held up his end of the bargain in one way. He did talk to her about Smasher, and Rogue was getting a plan in place. Gave her more time to ruminate, she supposed. If anything, she was doing this for Rogue now, not Johnny. For Evelyn and that comment he made to her on his way out of Yorinobu’s penthouse. Not. Johnny. 

Seething, she didn’t see Rogue come near her, grab her right by the chip. Fear response kicking in, V grabbed her hand, not wanting her to rip the shard out. “Easy, kid. Some flinch you got. Mind telling me why?” 

“You’re near the shard…And...been a while since I’ve let someone I didn’t know well get this close...Not havin’ a good time here.” 

“I can see that.” Having Rogue look at her just made her all the more afraid of things to come. She didn’t look at V as a stranger. Didn’t look at V the same way other’s did. She was looking for Johnny. “Can’t believe that bastard’s somewhere in your head.” 

“Yeah, well, not for long if I can help it. Better say your goodbyes after the Smasher biz.” 

Another look, and Rogue snorted, not buying what she said. “I’d call you a smart girl, but something tells me this won’t be the end of you and Johnny. Fucker’s got his claws in you. Best to get them out.” 

Taking her leave, V finally felt free to puke, everything coming out on the floor in front of her. More blood mixed in, and fuck she wanted to just end it right then and there. Not give Johnny anymore chances to fuck her over. She really, really considered it. Every person that called her stupid was right. Placed her trust in the wrong person, and what sucked even worse is that she couldn’t just throw him out. 

“Oh, fuck,” and said person had the gall to pop out now, scratch his balls, and act none remorseful. 

“I’m gonna fuckin’ kill you. I’m gonna fuckin’ kill you.” Each word came out slowly, each word more angry than the last. Hands shaking, she wanted so badly to reach out and pull him to the floor, punch him harder than he’d ever been punched before. But she couldn’t. Not right now. “Fuck, never again. Never. Again.” Lips curled up in a snarl, she didn’t care if it looked like the one he often wore when he was pissed. She hoped he recognized it. 

“Had no idea the pills would lay you out like this...” 

“The pills!? The pills, Johnny!? You think the fuckin’ PILLS did this!? Suck my dick! Maybe wouldn’t be so bad if you hadn’t chased ‘em down with fuck knows what!” She could feel the angry tears coming, and there was no way to stop them. She was so fucking pissed. 

“You tricked me! Just supposed to talk to Rogue!” His demeanor didn’t change, still seated on the table, leaning against the wall. He didn’t care. 

“Did talk to ‘er.”

“And the stripper!? Empathy brawl!?” She wasn’t even going to pay attention to her arm, the itch and burn barely even registering, but she felt something. Best not to even look at it now, surely something horrible from that damn car crash. 

“All required. Had to give Rogue somethin’ real, didn’t I?” 

A sob tore through her. Angry, seething, and she shook, teeth shown in the most aggressive face she could muster. “That’s your excuse!? For violating me!? For throwin’ my fuckin’ trust back in my face!? What the absolute fuck happened yesterday!? Was that some elaborate scheme to fuckin’ take control!? I put these on!” Ripping the dog tags out of her shirt, she tugged them over her head, holding them out. That got him to change, and V could feel the fear bubble up again. “I put these on ‘cause you promised me! Promised me! You asked me...” She didn’t finish that, realizing full well the other component of this hurt. “Did that mean jack shit to you!? Was it a lie!? A lie, Johnny!?” 

Nothing more was said, Johnny just fading out, crawling back into the space inside her. Well, if he wanted to stay in, he would stay in. The blockers in her pocket, she dry swallowed one, hoping to hell it worked quickly. Slumped over on the bed, V dried her tears, trying to pull it together. 

Then her holo went off. Fuck. 

“Hey, V. You been feelin’ alri – whoa, hey. You okay?” 

“R-River...hey. Sorry, just some shit happened...I’m okay. Really.” Wiping her face off, she sniffed, forcing a smile on her face. He smiled back at her, and damn she felt better for it. River was a good guy – a lot better than the person she put in mind prison. 

“Was callin’ to invite you over to Joss’s for dinner...but, if --”

“Wait, no. That sounds so nice. Haven’t had a family meal in….fuck, dunno when. I’d love to.” Another smile from him, brighter than the last, and she smiled for real this time. Guy did things to her chest, butterflies filling her. 

“I’ve missed you, ya know, heh.” Now she felt like crying again. To be treated so nicely...that’s all she wanted. And damn if she didn’t have it 24 hours prior, Johnny lying next to her, hand on her chest. Wiping her tears. What fucking changed? It was Johnny, so who knew. But he blew it. Big time.

“Actually missed you too, River.” 

The plan was made. Joss’s tonight. She’d come early so she and River could hand out. Spend time with his little family. Something about it made her more sad than relieved, knowing damn well there was no way this could last. But, for a night, she could pretend. Pretend that she was normal. Not a Night City merc – not attached to some asshole who used her. 

~~~~

Everything about this whole dinner was soothing. She came over, had beers with River, helped cook some of the best food she’d ever had, played a game with his niece and nephew (even letting the kids win), and just had fun. In some way, this is really all she wanted in life if she couldn’t be a legend. Now both things were out of reach. Shit, River even helped her up onto the water tower they were now on, even though he knew full well she was more than capable of climbing herself. It wasn’t about whether or not she able to, it was about the fact he was more than willing to help her. 

Now, as they sat looking over the small little neighborhood, she was laughing those full body laughs that make people struggle to breathe. Talking of shitty pick up lines, sitting out in the dark, not even looking at the Night City skyline. It was just her and River. Peace. 

“’Way you swallow – beautiful!’” Another round of laughter, the final pick up line she told him. Even River was losing his shit at the horrible things people said to her. Death couldn’t reach her here, and it certainly didn’t reach her when he leaned over, capturing her lips in his. Last person to kiss her was Jackie, and it was nothing like this. He planted a fat one on her when Misty finally said she loved him, and V pointed out that was the weirdest way to celebrate that. But that was just how she and Jack were. 

That kiss with Jackie didn’t lead to what this kiss led to, a small romp with River, curled up beside him all night, though she didn’t sleep much. He held her, close, petting her hair, telling her how beautiful she was. She let herself live in this moment, closing her eyes and hoping that when she opened them this would be all she knew. 

~~~~

“Christ, V. Can’t believe you’re makin’ me fuck a cop.” 

Reality was stranger than fiction, and being haunted by the ghost of Johnny Silverhand seemed like the world’s worst story. All that rage that she forgot, all the rage she buried, came back full force. Peeking, she saw River busy making breakfast, and so she walked into the bathroom, waiting for Johnny to follow. As she knew he would, he leaned on the door, a few feet away. Quick as she could, before he could leave, she grabbed him by his tags, getting in his face. 

“You don’t get a say in what I do, got it!? You don’t get dick, ‘cause you decided to go fuckin’ ape shit in my body! Shut up, put up, and get lost.” 

“Sorry, princess, but when you have your hands on me, I can’t go anywhere.” Didn’t matter if it was lie, if she had him as a captive audience, she’d use it. 

“Alright, good. Fuck. You. Hope you enjoyed the little show last night, ‘cause once I’m done here you’re not leavin’ my head. Gonna be poppin’ pills faster and better than you ever could, asshole.” Pushing him back, she was glad he couldn’t really interact with the world because that would have been a loud thump. 

If River wasn’t around, she would have cried then. Everything about this felt like the biggest stab in the back, and she hated that Johnny just didn’t see the problem in it. Unless something changed, those were likely their final words to each other.

Walking back out to see River, it dawned on V that this really couldn’t last. Last night he said that he didn’t want her to string him along. The worst thing she could do would be to continue this; dying is the worst way to leave someone hanging. 

“I’m dyin’, River...”

~~~~

Sitting in the car with Rogue, V was thankful Johnny didn’t make his appearance. She had forgotten to take another blocker, but he seemed to be respecting the fact that she didn’t want to see him. They needed to wait, make sure they had the cover of darkness to help the operation. V hated the silence now, but it beat having to pick at the scab of her healing wound. Turning to Rogue, she looked at the woman again, lost in her own thoughts. 

“Johnny tell you anything about us?” She must have felt V looking at her, striking up conversation about the only thing they had in common. 

“Didn’t need to...I see some of his memories. Didn’t see anythin’ graphic, don’t worry. Saw the two times you guys stormed ‘Saka Tower, some of the dates he skipped – mostly that stuff...But uh, I don’t really wanna talk ‘bout him, if I’m honest. This whole biz with Smasher, I’m doin’ it for you, not him. He’s not part of this right now.” 

“You let him take control, V. What did you expect? Think you two have something special because he’s in your body? Please. Don’t be foolish.” 

“You’re talkin’ like this is something romantic. Lemme tell you, it’s not. But yeah, thought we did have somethin’ special. Hard not to when...when he sees everythin’ in me. When I see everythin’ in him. Not somethin’ I can explain properly...but...” 

Rogue snorted, digging around in her car for a minute, continuing to talk. “Thought we weren’t talking about him?” It was V’s turn to snort, knowing that she really didn’t want to, but also knew she was the only person so far that knew Johnny. And she was hurting, bad. It was nice to commiserate for once. “But I get it. It’s been 54 years, and I still think of him. Gotta say, for you to let him do that, musta been some event to get you there. Do you hate him?” 

“You know what’s fucked up? I don’t. I just feel real bad for ‘im. Ruins everythin’ he ever touches. His own fault, sure, but still has to hurt sometimes. ‘Specially now that he can’t just say sorry, bat his eyelashes, and get what he wants.” She felt Johnny buzzing in her head, but she didn’t care to listen to what he was saying. Probably some shit about how he didn’t need her sympathy. Rogue finally stopped searching, hand covering an object. 

“Ah, so you’ve reached that point. Got there a lot quicker than most. I don’t know if he’s listening, and really I don’t care, but he has a habit of trying to push away everything good in his life. Once he sees that someone actually sees who he is, and likes what they see, he goes ballistic. And that’s his worst trait. I really could excuse a lot of his shitty behavior, but that was the one thing I couldn’t.”

“Yeah, saw he cheated on you. Violated your trust. Sounds fuckin’ familiar.” 

V heard a lighter click, and she extended her hand, the cool metal falling into her palm. When she curled her fingers around it, she wanted for the sensation to fizzle out like it always did, mad that even now she was taking that fucking lighter from him. Turning, she looked in the backseat, fully expecting to see him there, somehow missing when he materialized. But no. There was nothing. Looking at her palm, she saw an old lighter, busted, but still operational. 

“Held on to this for all these years. Flick it every now and then for good luck. So, the Relic that strong he can hand you things?” 

“Kinda. More like my body expects there to be a lighter, and I feel it, but then it goes away. Hands it to me all the fuckin’ time. When I hear the click I just…” V pulled her hand in, flicking the lighter herself. That called Johnny out, finally, sitting on the hood of the car the two women occupied. “Why does he hand this thing out?” 

“Funny you should ask. He doesn’t, really. Watched him almost kill a guy who tried to use it. But, he always had me hold on to it. Never said why, but when we ended things I knew it was really over when he put that lighter back in his pocket. That day in ‘Saka Tower, he smoked before the mission, and handed it to me for the final time. Think he somehow knew it was a suicide run.” 

“Alt gave it to him...Prolly wanted it kept safe. He uh...he trusts you. First time he ever spoke to me in an amicable way, it was to beg to go see you that day I asked for the info on Hellman.” 

“Hate that he’s feeding some poor kid lines. Wish he would tell me these things himself.” Disgust was the only way V could describe the tone of voice Rogue had, but she couldn’t blame her. If someone possessed by the ghost of her ex did this, she’d be hella pissed. 

“He’s not feedin’ me lines. Right now, we aren’t on speakin’ terms. But, I’m tellin’ you ‘cause I think you should know. Owe it to you, I think, and I owe it to him ‘fore I wipe his ass. If I didn’t know how much you meant to him, really, I would’ve never let him run the show for a bit.” 

“So, he that good at lying that even the person who has him stuck in his head is fooled? Man, 54 years must have sharpened that skill.” 

V looked at Johnny, eyes boring holes into his back. As she spoke, the words weren’t for Rogue. “No lies there – not really between us. He can try and lie. Try and fool everyone. Try so damn hard to cover up what he feels inside. But there’s somethin’ that I know, and I know he knows it too. When he lies, I can feel it. When I lie, he can feel it. Can’t really hide things from the other too well. Build all the walls we want, but each time they come down, and it becomes harder and harder to keep them constructed. Doesn’t mean we gotta tell each other the truth, but we’ll know the lie.” 

Laughter came from the stoic woman. “Oh, so you think he’s a problem you can fix. Not worth the time, trust me.”

That pissed her off. Slamming her fist on the car door, V glared over at Rogue, the woman slightly taken aback. “Alright, I’m not tryin’ to fix him. He’s not a fuckin’ problem – not really. Yeah, he’s in my damn head, killin’ me slowly, but that ain’t his choice. His personality is shit. His whole fuckin’ persona is shit. But he’s not a problem to fix. He’s a man – he’s a person. And if he ever got his head outta his ass, he could change. Might not want to, but it ain’t my place to push him. Not here to fix somethin’. I’m here to help. I was told once that leadin’ by example helps, but that’s all up to him.” Eyes back on Johnny, she pointed her words back at him. “Where this goes. Where we end up. That’s all him. I’ve done my part – more than my fair share. Prolly more than most people have done. But I don’t think I’ve wasted my time. I hope...I haven’t wasted my time.” 

Car door opened, V stepped out, knowing it was close to when they needed to storm the ship to get Grayson. Lighter in her pocket, standing beside him, she didn’t say a word, looking out to the shipyard beside her. A click. Hand held out. This time the sensation fizzled away. But she didn’t look at him. All was not forgiven, but she would be nice while they looked for Grayson.

~~~~

“Or you just wanna hear how he died – soaked in his own piss, neurons scorched by Soulkiller?” 

Looking to Johnny, she felt so sorry. He looked back, just as sorry. A similar fate for both of them was likely.


	11. Brothers on a Hotel Bed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If the Pistis Sophia scene hits hard, the grave scene hits even harder.

The Porsche was a nice reward for slogging through that shit with Grayson. She’d likely never forget those moments for as long as she lived. But, the Porsche was only so cozy – so much a reward, sitting outside of the oil fields that Grayson said was Johnny’s final resting place. Dumped. Just like her. 

V’s chest was weighed down by cinder blocks, dread filling her, sinking to the bottom of the lake. The green glow of the fields reminded her of a haunted house she saw once. Spectral in its own way, the green made her skin look sickly, and it made Johnny look more like a corpse than he ever had before. 

“Can’t believe they bothered to truck it all the way out here.” 

Gingerly, V stepped over the metal lining the ground, industrial rot making the place hazardous and deadly. Johnny had taken up residence on the metal, head hung low, the executioner’s blade to his neck. V dealt with the reality of her own death day in and day out, but Johnny didn’t have to. As long as V was around, he would never die. “Eh, better than the junkyard where I landed,” she said as her first words to him in two days, ever since she threatened him at River’s. 

“So that’s how it is...” all that mirth and life in his voice was gone, more blocks added to the weight on her chest. “Nothin’ here at all.” The lines that accompanied his body were more poignant now, V even recognizing that this was a man long deceased. All in her head. She made him as real as he was now. She gave him life, and she could easily take it away. He seemed small, here. When she had felt so powerless, she felt small as well. A child trapped in the body of an adult who wasn’t ready for the world. Johnny made it worse, feeling her own agency slipping from her fingers. 

Here, she recognized that was not the truth. She held all the power here. A relationship that was never going to be equal, she just misjudged where the scale tipped. Seated, she looked at him, saying what she felt. “What’d you expect? Headstone, flag and flowers?” 

“Nah, I...I dunno. A marker? Somethin’, anything.” 

“Really need symbolic, empty gestures?” To ask that was hypocritical, all V ever doing was symbolic, empty gestures. The tequila left on Jackie’s alter, handing Judy smokes from Evelyn’s case, still holding Johnny’s tags and lighter. 

“Guess I do. Thought I’d feel like I’d closed a chapter here. Like I’d said goodbye to the old Silverhand, hello to the new.” 

“And how do you feel?” She wanted him to say it. Say what she felt. 

“Like I never even was. Or like I was still inside Mikoshi.” 

Power. All her own. Right now, she had the option to make him disappear, in essence. Not give him anything. Act like he really was never there, and that this was all a nightmare of sorts. That she didn’t care so deeply for this motherfucker that she was willing to suffer. That she didn’t want to save him so badly it hurt. That she didn’t...

“We’ll figure somethin’ out.” Choice made, she inscribed J.S. 2023 on the metal she was seated on. “Better now?” 

“A bit.” She smiled, setting the shard of metal on the ground now that she was done with it. “But let’s say it was my real grave – what would you write? Here lies Johnny Silverhand,” arm stretched, he waved it over the area that was his supposed grave. 

Closing her eyes, V thought long and hard. So many things she could write here, but what was the truth? Who was he? So many things, she thought. A hardass. An asshole. A rockerboy with a message to the world. A legend. The person who reminded her that she was a whole being, that she had time left in this world. 

“The guy who saved my life.” Her answer. That was the easiest to say. The most she could come to telling him the truth in her own words. Locking eyes, she thought about the last thing he was to her. The man she loved. 

“V...You don’t know how much I want that to be true.” But she did. Felt it each time he picked her up. Each time he gave her some backhanded compliment. How empty they both felt when they were angry at the other. Wasn’t the best. It was the kind of shit people warned her about, but it was her mess. Standing over her once more, his Aviators were off, the same look on his face as the one he gave her when they were together in the Pistis Sophia. “Listen, I realize I fucked up a lotta things. Either let down or used every last person who gave me their trust. Blind selfish bastard that I was. But I’ve managed one thing for now. Not to fuck this up. What we have.” 

Grim reminder, but he did fuck up what they had for the moment. He needed to hear that. Needed to know that he hurt her so fucking bad. She did give him her trust – gave him everything when she took that pill. Soul laid bare before him, and he stomped it in that moment. Defiled her body and used it to go on a joyride through Night City. 

“No, Johnny. You fucked that up too. You used me, lied to me...Can’t trust you at all.” Didn’t erase her very real feelings for him, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t fuck up. 

“What you said to Rogue...In the car. ‘Bout change, and how if I pulled my head outta my ass, I could. Did you mean that?” 

“Every. Fuckin’. Word.” 

“Is it too late to ask for a second chance?” 

V held up three fingers, putting two of them down. “I give people three chances in life. Everyone fucks up some way or another. I’ve fucked up, in the past. Ruined shit for myself. I know how it is. Even Jackie, my greatest friend, fucked things up too. Far as I’m concerned, you’ve used up two chances with that colossal fuck up. Got one chance left. What do you want from me?”

Sitting next to her, Aviators on, he scooted close, shoulder to shoulder. “Most people I thought were my friends, they couldn’t even stand to be in the same room with me. You’re fucking closest to me by a long shot.” Cigarette between his lips, the lighter went off, but he didn’t place it in V’s hand. Instead, he sat it in her lap. “There, twenty-four seven. And yet...you don’t seem to hate my livin’ guts.” Quite the opposite, and he knew it. She knew it. “At least so it seemed...’til now.” 

“You know I don’t hate you. But you also knew how fuckin’ vulnerable I was that day. How scared I was. How desperate I still am to find some way for everythin’ to work out. You took that and ran so far, I really thought you were gonna keep my body. Heard it...in your thoughts. Things come in – in pieces – from that night. How fuckin’ long you took to talk to Rogue. How much fun you said it was to be alive again. I get it. I do. I’d do almost anythin’ to stay alive right now. But that doesn’t mean you had to...use me. Use me when I trusted you. I’ve cried in front of you.”

“You and Rogue spoke a couple truths in that car.” Thinking back, she knew which one he was focusing on. That fear she felt in the Pistis Sophia that crawled into her every time she mentioned how close to dying she was made more sense. Why it wasn’t the same fear as her own.

“One problem with you, Johnny, is you never say what you actually mean. Normally, that’s fuckin’ fine. I don’t give two shits. I don’t say what I mean all the time either. We’re both shit at talkin’. If we both make it outta this, both of us in tact, some day we’re gonna have to talk this shit out. But, you’re damn lucky that I’m in your head. ‘Cause, if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t even look at you right now.” Deep breath, and she looked at him, removing his Aviators that he had placed back on his face as he sat. “Okay. But as second chances go, this is your last. I refuse to be that naive.”

“I’ll try damned hard.” Hand on her shoulder, he squeezed, head back looking down at the ground. 

“Hey...I’m gonna...do somethin’. If it’s too weird, just lemme know and I’ll stop...But, if you can...let me?”

“V...I trust you.” 

“I know.” Standing, V stood in front of him, and he looked small once more. Trembling, she took his cheeks in her hands, making him look at her, and that familiar fear seeped inside once more, taking root. Disarming it, she pulled his face to her chest, turning it so that his ear was pressed to her, able to hear her heart. “I’m a person, Johnny. Just like you. I don’t recognize much of myself anymore, and if I’m honest I don’t think the people who know you would recognize you much either. But we’re people...We’re people.” 

His arms still rested on his legs, but he kept his head on her. V’s arms cradled his head, holding him even closer. “Why...are we doin’ this?”

“An ex of mine...she used to do this each time we had a fight. Said that if we remembered that each of us was a person, it would make it harder to hurt the other, since we knew that each had a heart beat. And if a person has a beating heart, it means they can hurt just as much as yourself.” 

“Ha,” he spat out, only before wrapping his arms around her waist, pulling her in closer. He was shaking again, and V kept cradling him, fingers brushing through his hair. “What happened ‘tween you two?” 

“Oh, she cheated on me. Dumped her ass. But, she was right. It’s hard to hurt people when you see them just as human as yourself. Not impossible, but hard.” Her chest was wet, but she didn’t make a comment on it. Didn’t even think on it long, so that Johnny didn’t know she noticed.

“You’re...you really gonna forgive me?” 

“Sure, but I won’t forget. I’ll never forget. Can hold a grudge ‘til the end of time.” 

“Do me a favor?” 

“Mhm.”

“Look at the tattoo…”

Removing her right arm from holding him, she looked at her forearm where she felt the burn and itch a few days ago. She didn’t even remember getting the tattoo until just now when he prompted it. And she laughed at it. “That’s real trashy, Johnny. Funny way of...of showin’ you care.” That bridge could be crossed at a later date, refusing to pick up on the hint now. 

“Oh, so then you like it? Taken a real interest in trash as of late.” 

Laughing again, V tried to pull back, but Johnny didn’t let her. If she needed him a few days ago, he needed her right now. Head in her arms yet again, she held him close. 

“Finally get why that motherfucker always looked out at that green light. Made to read the book in school, but I always hated it. Thought that a man like Jay Gatsby could just walk on over and take Daisy all he wanted. Had the fuckin’ money. Had her in the palm of his hand. But he never went for it in the right way. Thought that was real fuckin’ stupid. But...I get it.”

“Alright, you’re bein’ weird again.” Pushing off, he finally let her go, slipping on the Aviators as soon as she was away. Hand in her pocket, she found the actual lighter – the one from Rogue. Walking over to the dirt, V used the toe of her shoe to dig a small hole. “Johnny, don’t hand me your lighter anymore. Said you wanted the old Johnny to be buried here, right? This is step one. When you’re ready to tell me shit, tell me how things are, you’re gonna do it. Not do some weird shit where you talk ‘round the issue, or hand out objects in avoidance.” Lighter dropped in the hole, she used her foot to bury it, and Johnny didn’t protest. 

“Fine. Then what are you gonna do? Not gonna run away or change the subject?”

“No. I’ll answer back.” Turning to him again, she put both her hands in her pocket, kicking her shoe against the metal to clean it off. “Tell you my truth when that time comes.”

“Hold you to that.”

“Still feel like you can’t breathe in here?” 

Souls speaking to each other about their condition. A promise for V to help make it up to Rogue. A promise for Johnny not to mess up his second chance. More promises made, and V was so afraid she wouldn’t be able to keep them all. Maybe that was just her fate as a person; to keep promising more and more until she had nothing left to give. 

Lines drawn in the sand during their first meeting were kicked away, nothing blurring them. When she reached, he reached back, for real this time. Johnny said something that V holds dear, cherishes, for it put to words perfectly what they felt for each other. 

“Sometimes when I wake up, feels like I’m back for a while. Like I got this body to myself. Like I’m free. Seconds later, feels like I’m missin’ somethin’ – somethin’ really important. Then I realize you’re there, always were, and this stupid wave of relief washes over me.” 

Right there, those words, told V everything she needed to hear. 

Leaving the site, V sat in the Porsche, determined to drive it but only once more when she went to pick up Rogue for a date. Johnny looked strange in the passenger seat of his own car.

“Johnny...”

“Hm?” 

“Sometimes when I think back on my memories, I think to myself ‘what stupid shit did Johnny say here,’ or ‘I bet Johnny laughed his ass off at that.’ Realize that...you weren’t really there. Then, I feel that sharp somethin’ near my heart, like you said. Do you...ever feel it?” 

“Like a knife.” 

The urgency of fixing her problem was gone. Now there was only dread. When the time came, when she needed to contact Hanako, V thinks that’s when she can do nothing else. Until then, she would prolong the inevitable. 

~~~~

By now, most of her clothes had been torn to shreds, bled all over, or she discarded the nice ones. Picking through everything, she settled on a shirt that looked half decent, some leather pants to add in some authenticity on Johnny’s end, and some earrings. Oh, and a certain Samurai jacket she refused when Rogue gave it to her, leaving it in the trunk of the car. Only reason she had it now was Rogue dropped it off at her door at some point. V’s appreciative that she did, finding the thing rather comfortable. 

In her bathroom, she grabbed her nail clippers, getting to work trimming her nails. 

“I get the point of dressin’ up, and I appreciate that, but what’s with the nails?” 

“Really? You gotta ask?” Grabbing Johnny’s flesh hand, she held it to his face. “You see this hand? Did you finger people with these things? Feel like fuckin’ sandpaper. You never trim your nails. Please, tell me you didn’t stick these in people.” 

“I don’t finger anyone, alright. They sit on my face.” 

“Look, I appreciate the gesture on behalf of all people who have been in that position, but this is my body. Don’t wanna be blasted back in here with...You get it. Trimmin’ my nails so you can use my fingers if you go that far.” 

“Told her I’d give her the --”

“Johnny.”

“Fuckin’ fine. I’ll respect it.” 

~~~~

“Johnny, I can’t. It’s not right.” 

“Meanin’ not fair to V?”

“The fact you even mentioned her, right now, tells me a lot. Her mistake letting you in, but not mine to correct. Not mine to interfere with.” 

~~~~ 

V held her head, standing there in front of the car. At least this time it was just the shock of being thrown from her body, everything coming to in pieces. “Rogue’s gone..?” slowly approaching the car she climbed to sit next to a rather despondent Johnny. 

“Yep.” She offered a kind pat to his shoulder, Johnny moving close enough to press himself against her. 

“Shit happens, ya know? Seen my fucked up dates, so I mean, coulda been worse, right? Better than whatever happened with River.” Both shuddered at that, Johnny looking worse than V at the mention of it. 

“Was gonna be a nice night at the Drive-In. Now she’s mad and won’t tell me what about.” 

V shrugged, trying to push the fact she’s rather pleased she didn’t have to potentially witness Johnny rekindle something for Rogue, pushing V to the side. 

“We’ll figure it out. And hey, got one chick wearin’ your jacket, so date wasn’t a total bust.” Playing it off as a joke, she punched his shoulder, pushing him over a little. He punched back, much softer than her blow, but it still made her lose her balance. 

“Thanks, V.” 

“Wanna finish the movie? We’re here. May as well right?”

“You didn’t even see the first bit. Fuck, I didn’t see the first bit.” 

“Eh, what’s it matter? Not really ‘bout the movie, right? It’ll be nice to just sit.” He didn’t object, just leaning back and looking at the screen. V did the same, both eventually lying back and looking up at the sky, similar to the night out in the Badlands. 

“Think it’s ‘cause you’ve changed? Kinda hard to be with someone you hardly recognize.” 

“Don’t think I’ve changed that much, do ya? Still a dick.”

“And I’m still a cunt. But we’re both different now – kinda hard to ignore that now. Told you that last night.” Neither continued that line of conversation, his grave still something rough.

“Pills lay your ass out – need a minute?” 

“Nah, I’m good. Got another destination in mind?” 

Sitting up, she saw Johnny appear in front of her, holding his Aviators as he paced. “Yeah, North Oak. Wanna see Kerry. Think you can handle one more pill tonight? If not, we can wait.” 

“Prolly not, but what’ve I got to lose? Plus, if I pass out, might get to spend the night at Kerry Eurodyne’s. Hang out with a rockstar.” The glare Johnny shot her made her almost double over laughing, how utterly bothered he was by that whole statement. “You know I’m just messin’ with you. Got all the rockerboy I need right here. C’mon, let’s go see Kerry.” 

V felt like all she did nowadays was drive around the damn city, though never in a million years did she think she’d be on her way to North Oak. Not really her style, nor her budget. 

“You’re the best, V.”

“Thought Rogue was the best.”

His chuckle, drag of a cigarette, and look her way made her smile, rolling her eyes to play it off. “It’s alright, don’t gotta lie to me Johnny. I’ll take bein’ second best.” 

“Yeah, sure.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My true kink is holding Johnny close, calling him a fool, and then loving him


	12. Stable Song

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fact that Kerry and V become besties is honestly just something I hold near and dear to my little, cold heart.

Breaking into a rockstar’s mansion shouldn’t have been this easy. V knew she had talent in terms of sneaking into places she shouldn’t be, but she could have done this even before merc work. Johnny was probably right to be concerned about Kerry, given the utter lack of security. Shit, walking into the place all V smelled was alcohol and old food. 

“Know it well, V?” 

“Oh too well. All he needs now is some asshole in his ear, tellin’ ‘im shit he already knows. Wait, that’s why we’re here.” 

Johnny’s hum was indicative of how seriously he was taking this, in no mood to play around. On their way up he might have joked about it all, but she supposed after watching her struggles through all this he had a softer heart when faced with its realities. Hell, it was Kerry they were dealing with, and V knew he was always soft for the guy, even if he treated Kerry the worst out of the bunch.

Searching through Kerry’s mansion was like taking a trip down memory lane, Johnny looking at all the things in here with fond reverence. Despite it not being her past, V felt those nostalgic pangs, especially looking at the Samurai records. She even had a smirk of satisfaction seeing Kerry’s bare ass painted on the wall, the same one Johnny had. Bad sign, sure, but right now wasn’t the time for it all. 

Eventually, V hears the tell tale sounds of a long shower, water running and showing no signs of stopping. 

“Looks like he’s in the shower.” 

“Alone, too. Good thing, believe me.” That made V snort, thinking that anything Kerry had done was nowhere near as wild as the shit Johnny pulled. “Okay, leave the rest to me. I’ll get him outta there.” Voice fading, she followed to where they found his collection of guitars, Johnny waiting for her with a command. “Drop one of Misty’s special pills, let’s go.” 

A glitch, then lights out – standard protocol. And tried her best not to spy this time, only ever pulled out of her trance if her name was mentioned. 

~~~~

“This is V. You’d like ‘er.”

“The fuck, Johnny. Doesn’t explain a thing.” 

“Man, talkin’ with you is like talkin’ with her. Both dumb as shit.” 

~~~~

“If I’m not there, figure it out with V.”

“Sure, uh...you two get along?” 

“….”

“Johnny? You there?”

“Yeah, still here.” 

“Oh! Haha! I see something’s going on between you two. So, hate ‘er or love ‘er?” 

“Man, fuck off.” 

“Ooooh Johnny. That’s good. Pussy that preem?”

“We don’t fuck, Ker. Can’t fuck, I don’t think, but...Nah, not gonna do V like that.” 

“Shit. You got it bad.” 

~~~~

Unceremonious as the last few times, V was brought back to reality. World spinning, and she was on the floor. Of course she was. And she could tell Johnny had been drinking – nasty tasting bourbon on her tongue. Asshole. She’d yell at him later. 

“Johnny? You okay?” 

In the flesh was Kerry Eurodyne, hovering over her and making sure she was okay. Any other time she would have been starstruck, but she had seen Kerry in more intimate positions than she’d like to admit, not really giving her that first meeting with a celebrity feel. Kinder than his other acquaintances, V was helped onto a couch, blinking in and out of consciousness.

“No,” an honest answer, one that she trusted Kerry to respect. “Don’t give this asshole alcohol. Makes me feel like death.” 

“Ah, so you must be V. Johnny mentioned something like this might happen.” And he still drank? Oh, when he popped back in he was gonna get it. But, it was a special occasion. If she could trim the nails she worked so hard to keep up, she could let Johnny have a few drinks with an old choom. But fuck she was mad it was bourbon. 

“Hope you two had a grand ol’ time. And I hope he said nice things ‘bout me, ‘cause I think I’m gonna be here for a bit. Takes a while for me to get back on my feet sometimes. See how many pills he pop?”

“Nah, walked off. Came back and your ass was on my floor. Thought I might have to call Trauma Team, but ya came to.” The light pat to her cheek was oddly friendly, like he was dealing with someone he had known forever. She guessed, in a way, he was. 

“So, nice to see the bastard?” Lying back, V tried to look relaxed, but she knew the numb limbs made her look awkward. Kerry was polite enough not to mention it, though, taking up residence beside her. 

“Actually, once the shock of the whole meet up wore off, it was. Motherfucker scared the shit outta me, but I’m sure you’re aware of how tactless he is.” 

“You’re tellin’ me. Tried to kill me the moment he popped up in my head. He tell you ‘bout all that?” 

“Oh yeah,” Kerry’s laugh was nice – light but rough. Like he didn’t have a care in the world while simultaneously carrying everyone’s problems. Now she got why Johnny said they’d get along. “Said, ‘and this cunt was pissin’ ‘er pants. ‘Friad of me! Believe that shit?’ Then I had to remind him that not everyone knows that he just blows smoke out his ass. Can he hear us right now?” 

V closed her eyes, trying to see if she could feel anything more concrete than the constant buzzing. Getting nothing, she realized Johnny was somehow in mind prison. If he didn’t come back in an hour, she’d call Vik. 

“Don’t think so. Pills musta done somethin’. Why? What’s on your mind?” 

“What’s your relationship like?” 

“He’s in my head, unwillingly killing me – relationship’s complicated, to say the least.” 

“Not exactly what I mean. Way he talks – something’s up between you two, isn’t there?” 

For once, V was thankful she had a coughing fit, blood wiped on her pants to avoid getting it on Kerry’s carpet or couch. “What? Nah. Normal friendship – or as normal as this kinda thing can be.” 

“Alright, lie to me all ya want. We don’t know each other well, so I mean guess that’s normal. But, he’s changed. Don’t care if you and I have nothin’ in common – you’re good in my book. Somehow looked out for that asshole, ‘specially when you didn’t need to. Showed him something deep inside, I think.” Kerry had a similar look to Johnny when he was lost in thought, and V wondered if Johnny just rubbed off on everyone. “He really can’t hear us?” 

“Whenever this happens he doesn’t mention bein’ able to see shit. So, whatever you wanna tell me, it’s safe. Plus, he’s gotten better at not diggin’ ‘round in my head.” 

Wry smirk, Kerry stood up. “Good. Wanna see some old pictures?” 

“Oh fuck yeah!” 

~~~~

Ten pages into the book of old pictures Kerry had, and both of them were in tears laughing, holding their hurting sides. 

“And, here’s the thing – Johnny told me straight up he was not gonna do it. Adamant that he was above it all. And well, there he is, naked as fuck, runnin’ down the middle of Corpo Plaza, Samurai written over his asscheeks. No idea I even snapped a pic. Best promo we ever got – sold out our first show the next day.” 

“Choom, I know you wanna get the band together, but I refuse to run down Corpo Plaza with my damn ass out. Only time I was ever naked in public, I was skinny dippin’ with my choom Jackie, sneakin’ into some Netwatch scop’s place. Had to run outta there butt ass naked, hidin’ in the car while the guards looked for us. And we still got the fuckin’ goods too.” Flipping the page, V and Kerry started laughing again, a young pair of kids jamming out in a small bedroom the centerpiece of the page. 

Johnny looked way different. Sure, he had his long hair and metal arm, but he seemed happy here. She knows for a fact that he was just better at hiding it back then, but he actually smiled in that picture, axe in hand, beaming over to whoever was holding the camera. Maybe Alt, but that seemed before her time, so who knew. She must have been looking at the picture too long, Kerry ripping it out of the album. 

“Like this picture too. Man, I thought the world of that motherfucker back then. Only guy who didn’t treat me like shit. Didn’t stay like that, of course, but back then that’s what I needed. Think he knew that too – which also makes me a little sad.”

“Nah, he thought the world of you. ‘Member, I can see all that goes on in that Silverhand head of his. But, he’s pretty bad at bein’ a good friend. Or showin’ it, at least. He and I had this...falling out of sorts. Two things he asked of me after we made up: go see Rogue and go see you. Nothin’ else.” 

Kerry handed the picture to V, her finger tracing over where Johnny was in the photo. It made her heart hurt, knowing he was so damn young when the world fucked him over. She wasn’t much younger when the world smacked her across the face too, but somehow it hurt worse with Johnny. He could have been something so much greater had the world been kinder. 

“You mean the world to him too, V. Wouldn’t’ve talked about you the way he did if he didn’t. First time he ever refused to take my bait when I tried to get him to talk shit. Well, kinda. Still said you were dumb as fuck.” 

“He thinks everyone is dumb compared to him – I’m not offended by that.” 

“Wish you could drink again. I’d cheer to that.” 

The buzzing in her head started getting stronger, relieved that Johnny was flickering back into her mind. At least something didn’t mess up the Relic permanently. “Sorry, Ker, thinkin’ Johnny might be comin’ back. He’s gonna know you showed me all these.” Tapping the album, Kerry started hastily flipping through. 

“Real quick, lemme show you my favorite.” Landing on the last page, there was a single photo there, Johnny and Kerry asleep on a shitty motel bed, huddled together. “He was my best choom. Hated his guts and wanted him dead all the damn time, but...That kinda comes --”

“With the territory? Oh yeah, I get it.” 

“Thanks, V. You’re alright. Been over 50 fucking years since I was able to talk about the guy so freely. And hell, you acting like you were there was kinda nice. Feel a lot better.” 

“You’re alright too. Gimme a call any time ya need me. Or any time you wanna talk – ‘bout Johnny or anythin’, really.” Standing, she fixed her clothes, Johnny always messing up the way she wore her pants, pulling them further down her hips than she’d like. 

“Want that picture you kept looking at?” While she stood, Kerry flipped back to the page, giving V a last minute chance to look at it. Her gut told her to take it, really loving that picture. But, she knew that it was better in Kerry’s hands in the long term. No promise he’d get it back in the end. If she tried hard enough, she could relive the memory of that day first hand, which was a little better than a photo. Kerry wasn’t so lucky. 

“Nah, it’s yours. Got the asshole with me at all times – don’t need a picture. I’ll be seein’ ya!” Taking this as her chance, V left Kerry’s place, knowing that she would get one night’s rest before she started collecting the members of Samurai. 

It wasn’t until she was almost to her apartment before Johnny appeared in the passenger’s seat of his own Porsche. “Can’t believe he showed you a picture of my ass.” 

“Damn, and here I thought we were safe to laugh at you. Were you actually aware the whole time?” 

Smoke billowed in the car, but it didn’t obscure V’s vision while she drove. All it told her was that he was relaxed. “Yeah, and you’re a cunt. You know how long it took to grow my hair out after I left the damn military? Laughin’ at it, like a bitch. C’mon, cut me some slack.”

“Fuck no! That shit looked ridiculous! Better than the patchy beard you sported for two years, though.”

“Should I bring up the time you cut your own hair when you were eight?” 

That shut V up, not looking at Johnny while he laughed, very clearly bringing up the memory of all her friends laughing at her. Warranted, given what she did to her hair, but still. 

~~~~

Sleep paralysis was new. 

Potential side effect of Johnny mixing Misty’s pills with alcohol likely, as she felt something similar when she woke up in that motel room. Though, to this level, was new. She didn’t understand how the mind worked as well as she should by now, opting not to listen when people started talking about neural networks, as it was always in relation to her own impending doom. So, she wasn’t entirely sure why she was still able to process everything around her minus one important thing: Johnny wasn’t in her mind anymore. 

At Kerry’s she couldn’t feel him as strongly as she normally could, and now she couldn’t tell where he was at all. It wasn’t until a familiar voice was in her ear – distant, but there – that she figured out he was near her. 

“You gotta stop havin’ these damn nightmares, V. Makes you a bitch.” She couldn’t respond, and she didn’t know if Johnny knew she was awake or not. It sounded like how he normally addressed her by the words he spoke, but his tone was soft, like it was when he was worried about her. 

Unable to move, she couldn’t just let him know something was wrong. Let him know that she was seeing flashes in front of her, everything in the room warping into things that didn’t make sense. He must have felt something, warm body coming up behind her, cuddling up to her. An arm snaked around her waist, the other tucked under her pillow, and she was pulled into him. Holding her safely. 

“Almost makes me think you have these nightmares on purpose so I’ll fuckin’ hold you, but I know that isn’t the truth.” He placed his nose in her hair, and even through the strange visions and fear she felt comforted by all this. Did he hold her like this every night? It would explain how she always ended up in a semi normal sleeping position by morning. 

Damn he’s going soft on her. And, if she played her cards right, she could keep this little secret all to herself. 

~~~~

As far as final wishes go, Johnny knew how to do it right. V couldn’t say she really liked Samurai’s music all that much, but it was slowly growing on her the more and more she listened to it. Now that she had partially witnessed a full Samurai concert, she figured she could at least call herself a fan. Fuck, it was her body that played the damn songs, so no matter what, if people remembered her she would be labeled a Silverhand fan. 

Everyone involved seemed so damn pleased, too. A strange way to find closure from the abrupt loss of their entire livelihood due to the terrorist ambitions of their narcissistic front man. Sitting at that bar, Kerry’s gun placed on her hip – a gift from a man who didn’t need it much anymore – she looked over at Johnny, standing there like he was going to serve her a drink. 

“Love it if ya ordered a Johnny Silverhand.”

“Not at the Afterlife, dumbass. And I’d puke it up, given the fact that I had to let you take control. Again. Third time in the past day. If I’m drinkin’ it’s not gonna be somethin’ I hate.” 

“Your loss, princess.” 

Though, V was pretty thirsty, ordering herself some lemonade, sitting there at the bar a while longer. People came up to her, saying that she did the best guitar cover of Samurai they had ever seen, and V just laughed as Johnny tried so hard to tell them that it wasn’t a damn cover. 

“Ya know, V, you’ve been real pleased with yourself lately.”

“Have I? Huh. Guess I’ve been happy givin’ you the life you coulda had – had you not been a complete asshole.” That earned her a middle finger, but she just sipped her lemonade. “Just feel like givin’ you a taste of happiness ‘fore we...ya know. Live to serve ‘n all that. More than that...haven’t seen you this happy, like...ever. Prolly not gonna be a happy end, so...”

“What? Don’t believe in fairy tales?” 

V snorted, sliding her glass across the counter away from her. Bartender refilling it, she caught it before she took another drink. “Used to. Wished I had a fairy godmother once. Someone who could fulfill my every wish.” 

“Not puttin’ on a dress, V, but we’ll find a way to make ya happy.” 

For some reason that made her sad to think about. 

Sitting there on the bar stool, V felt herself fading again, needing to go home before she had another spell. 

“Hope that’s it for last requests. Not sure I can handle any more.”

Standing up, she wobbled a bit, hands still on the bar. Johnny reached out, holding one arm above the elbow, keeping her steady – grounded. “It is, mostly. Don’t think I’m gettin’ all my wishes. And I’m startin’ to regret you agreed to this concert thing.” 

“Huh, here I thought I’d hear ‘Thank you, V.’” Steady enough, she put her other hand over Johnny’s, smiling up at him. The scene probably looked weird as hell, her eyes being traced to some creepy ad that Johnny’s head was blocking, staring up at it with all the love in the world. “Said it was important to you.”

“It was. But not more important than you.” 

~~~~

Glaring over at Johnny, he had no right to ever call her stupid again. Ever. 

“You’re gonna believe what’s on some fuckin’ shard that looks like a damn kid wrote it?”

Johnny shrugged, leaned against the wall like he always was. “Don’t see the problem. Got enough food to feed a damn Nomad clan, and you’re gonna complain if we maybe see a cat? C’mon. Just put some shit in there and we can wait around. Not like you can do much right now anyway.” 

Point made and taken. The only reason she was even out of bed at the moment was because she needed some fresh air, though that was a long shot given where she lived. Still, it was nice to get out and see something other than her four walls for the moment. Another attack, worse than the last, left her in state of agony. Fuck it, not like she was going out anywhere today. 

“Fine, whatever. Lemme just...” popping open a can of synthbeef, she placed it in the little dish, turning back to Johnny. “Happy now?” 

“Actually, yeah. Let’s stick around, see if that little bugger shows up.”

“We gonna stand here, right in the middle of the hall?” 

His lack of movement was a sure sign that they were. Resigned to her fate, V leaned against the wall next to him, waiting. “So why the sudden interest in the cat? Pegged you as a dog person, actually.” 

“This some sick Samurai joke or you bein’ serious?” 

“Oh no, I’m serious. You really like cats?” 

“Yeah. Better than dogs in a lot of ways. Dog’s’ll just trust anyone they see – stick out your hand and they come sniffin’. Cats have to trust you – see into your soul. Then and only then can they warm up to ya.” 

Given his reasoning, she actually wasn’t surprised anymore. Seems logical that the one guy who never warms up to anyone unless he’s certain about their opinion of him would like cats. A thought crossed her mind, not her own, nudging her towards the idea of picking the thing up and taking it home if it ever showed its face. 

“So which one of us is on litterbox duty, then?” 

“Ha! You’re scoopin’ its shit. I’m just gonna sit back and enjoy.” 

Typical. But it would at least give her something else to look forward to each morning having a pet greet her, and adopting a cat with Johnny actually seemed really...nice. Domestic, in some weird way, as this cat would be the only thing that would share the space they occupied. Shit, she even made sure that Johnny had a say in the decorations now. Why not adopt a cat. 

Hours ticked by, and Johnny and V just stood at the wall, mostly concerned with themselves. They made plans for the week: plans that involved doing things that V wanted to do. Panam had contacted her earlier about intercepting some Militech thing with her, and she had always wanted to know the mysteries behind that Swedenborg fuck. There was also the decayed remains of an amusement park in Pacifica, and she’d been interested in checking it out. All things for her. 

“Look. Hey, look!” Johnny tapped V’s shoulder, making her look at the bowl with the synthbeef. There, lapping away, was a small, hairless cat. “See that?” 

“Holy fuck. I’ll be damned, Johnny. Guess you being an insufferable dick about this paid off.” Bending down, V pet the cat, certain she’d seen it somewhere before. “Think it’ll let me pick it up?” 

“You can try. Guess if it runs off then we wasted time, but,” he shrugged, bending down next to the cat as well, “real nice just waitin’ ‘round for it.” 

“Yeah, it was.” Tentative hands extended forward, V was able to pick up the cat with ease. It even purred in her arms, rubbing its face against her. “Shit, it’s actually friendly. Johnny...we just...”

“Adopted a cat. Yeah. Can I name it?” 

Rushing off, V was determined to get this thing inside before it changed its mind. “Sure, sure, fine.” Once inside, she looked around for somewhere to place the cat, thinking it needed to be secure and warm. Laundry basket spotted, she set it down inside, watching as it curled up and started to clean itself. 

“Nibbles.” 

“The fuck?” 

“Namin’ this little shit Nibbles.”

Might have been the stupidest name she had ever heard, but eh. Nibbles it was. Standing there, watching it, Johnny placed his arm around V’s shoulder, pulling her into him. Serenity overcame her, lost to the flow of time. All she had in that moment was something she never thought she would have. Right now, she made a home. 

And who’s to say a home can’t be a dying woman, the ghost of a rockerboy, and a hairless cat? V thought it fit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dkffklsdjkfjl you can't convince me otherwise that Johnny didn't give Nibbles its name


	13. Marching Bands of Manhattan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter to go! Thank you to everyone who has read this little fic :3 it means so much to me <3

The strumming of a guitar coupled with the crackling of the fire was enough to make V forget she wasn’t actually part of this little Nomad family. Cassidy, Carol, Teddy, Bob, Mitch, and especially Panam just acted like V had always been there. Like she would always be there. 

“Ya know, joinin’ these Nomads might be somethin’ you’d enjoy. Dragged my ass out here a bunch when this shit first started. What changed?” 

The Nomads were discussing family politics after a toast to Scorpion and Jackie, unaware to the fact V had gotten up and wandered over to where Johnny was leaning against one of the vehicles. “Got too busy to find the time to drive out here ‘less Panam was callin’ me. Real thankful she did for this one – it’s been a lot of fun. But, don’t think I’d fit in permanently here. If I ever join the Aldecaldos it’s ‘cause I’m runnin’ from somethin’. Right now, even if I ran, it wouldn’t matter. May as well face it head on.” 

Stomping out his cigarette, Johnny just crossed his arms, shrugging before he spoke again. “Talked ‘bout a perfect world once --”

“With Cynthia, yeah.” 

“Said somethin’ where I got my own little slice of happiness, away from my past. What’s your perfect world look like?” 

The simplest answer is that she’s looking at it. But, those weren’t the right words to say. “Prolly just...bein’ happy? Shit, don’t even know what that looks like. Feel like nothin’s the same as it was even six months ago. Fuck, even when you and I first got tossed together, nothin’ looks the same. Don’t really care if I’m a Night City legend anymore, or even makin’ it big enough to own a mansion like Kerry’s. Still have the idea that I wanna make shit better for the people I’m gonna leave behind, and I hope I’m gettin’ there. Shit, at this point all I could hope for is a day where I don’t feel like my brain is gonna fall out the back of my skull. Has me wishin’ that...that this wouldn’t end. This little adventure we’re on.”

“Not me. Hope this shit ends soon. Might be worth it to you to keep me in your head, but I dunno.”

“Lemme put it this way, then. Let’s pretend you’re my husband --”

“First, I don’t believe in marriage. Second, fuckin’ gross.” They both laughed a little before V continued. 

“You and I are out on the road with the Nomads. Shit, maybe we’re in Night City. Who knows – doesn’t matter, ‘cause you and I are together. Love me and all that shit. Find out I’m dyin’ and there’s nothin’ that can be done. Not even the best docs in the city could save me. Wouldn’t you wanna drag things out as long as possible? Spend as much time together as you could – even if it is painful?”

For the first time in a while, Johnny avoided the conversation, glitching out of existence and back into her mind. Her scenario was close to what they were going through now it may have been too much to talk about in a hypothetical sense To V it was worth it drag it out as long as possible. Even if in the end she lived, Johnny would be gone. If in the end she died, Johnny would be left with her body and her memories. Why not drag it out a little longer? Prolong the hard choices they’d have to make. 

Walking back to the fire, she and Panam decided to turn in for the night after making stupid jokes about the Big Dipper. Lying back on the ground, V looked at the stars feeling herself going to sleep under them, the strum of the guitar a soft lullaby. Until Johnny’s form towered over her, making her jump, hoping to hell the other people around her didn’t see. 

“What the fuck Johnny!?” 

“Alt said she could save you – when we were back in the Net. Begged her to save you. She’ll honor that. Keep tellin’ you that you won’t die – that’s why. Haven’t brought it up in a while, but we need to find Mikoshi, do things in there. It’ll all work out if we do.”

“This no longer ‘bout screwin’ over Arasaka?” 

“Oh, trust me – I’ll fuck over Arasaka any chance I get. But, it’s also gonna be where we fix you. I’m just a lucky motherfucker ‘cause doin’ both might achieve all my goals. Don’t think ‘bout the life you might not have – you’ll live it.” 

“Dunno, Johnny. Still seems mighty outta reach. Feel like I’m gonna be missin’ somethin’.”

“Not that hard to find a replacement.” 

“Hate to break it to ya, but that sounds pretty hypocritical comin’ from you.” Gone from existence again, and V just rolled over, Panam pulling her closer to keep warm in the desert night. 

~~~~

Lying on the bed, laughter in her ears, V was not joining in. She was not laughing at all. Arms crossed over her chest, she sat there with a pout, listening as both Judy and Johnny joked at her expense. A huge shift in the mood from an hour ago, V almost drowning beneath the toxic lake, waking up to Johnny yelling at her in his own worried way. Even Judy was spooked, looking at V like she was just close to killing over, the second time she had seen V almost bite the dust. Now, both of those people were elated to be joking around, even if they couldn’t hear the other, somehow they were in sync. 

“Okay! Okay! I get it! I’m hopeless!” 

“Fuckin’ shit, V, how did you miss this chick was tryin’ to get in your pants!?” 

“V, I made a dirty joke! You asked if this was a date!” 

“I was just playin’ around! Thought I was bein’ funny! I didn’t catch the joke!”

She and Judy were lying there in their underwear, both on top of the covers, V completely missing the hints that this was Judy’s idea of flirting. Johnny seemed to be having the most fun, unable to stand up from laughing so hard, just watching as V groaned, hands over her face as Judy rolled on her stomach, taking out a cigarette to smoke. 

“We kissed! After the thing with Maiko, I kissed you! You just think I was tryin’ to be gal pals with you?” 

“I’m not gonna answer, ‘cause you’re gonna laugh at me!” She did, in fact, think it was just a friendly kiss. How many chooms of hers had kissed her? Quite a lot, if she was being honest, and so Judy doing the same seemed completely normal to her. 

“V – c’mon! I kissed Kerry all the damn time, and let me tell you, it was not some show of friendship. Ya know, your brain really might be fucked beyond repair if you thought Judy was just bein’ nice.” 

“You know what, I’m gonna put that shard back in so you two can laugh together, ‘cause I’m checkin’ out. Night!” Throwing herself under the covers, V pulled them up so that she hidden beneath them, the laughter fading. Then, Judy started giggling again, joining V under the covers. 

“Ya know, when Johnny called you the biggest gonk he’d ever met, the most stubborn cunt God ever put on the Earth, I wanted to kick his ass. And, he said some pretty nasty thing to me too, but I got ‘im back. But you know what, I think I owe him a beer. ‘Cause he’s right. Don’t even care that you’re leavin’ me hangin’. This shit is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. You even into chicks?” 

Johnny started laughing again, V feeling him sit beside her on the bed, the click of his lighter signaling a smoke. “Tell ‘er if we ever meet in the next life, I’ll take her up on the offer. Judy’s alright.” 

V sighed, turning to face Judy. “Johnny said he’ll get that beer with ya if you two ever meet.” Judy just smiled at her, tucking some of V’s hair behind her ear. “And, for the record, I am into chicks. Just...right now might not be the best time for a relationship.” Not while she’s dying, and certainly not while her heart is somewhere else. 

“Hmmm. Guess that’s prolly true. You two gonna find a way to fix it so that you and Johnny have a way to live?” 

“I hope so...but it’s lookin’ unlikely. Got leads, but all of ‘em so far have been duds – minus one that’s gonna leave him behind the Blackwall. Gotta meet with one more person, but don’t really trust her.” Judy nodded, shifting to get comfortable in the bed. 

“If you ever need help with the plan, let me know. Do all I can to help. Johnny’s a shit, but V...you’re somethin’ special. Not gonna have another light in this world snubbed out.” A kiss to her forehead, and Judy turned around, telling her goodnight. 

Looking over at Johnny, he seemed too smug for his own good. “Alright, what gives? Lookin’ a little too pleased with yourself.”

“Hmph, kinda. It’s weird – knowin’ Judy might be willin’ to help gives me some kinda hope.”

“She remind you of Alt? From what I’ve seen of ‘er, she and Judy are similar enough.” 

“No – nobody’s even close to Alt. Not Judy, anyway. But, guess I gotta give her credit where credit’s due. Mind works in ways that make no sense to me, and she seems to be doin’ alright for herself. Means that if she figured somethin’ out it just might work. In fact, Judy reminds me of you, in that regard. Half baked plans that turn out better than expected.” 

V looked between the two next to her, sadness showing through her smile. “Sucks...dunno if even Judy could help. But, if it comes to it, I’ll ask for it. Done dumber things.”

~~~~

For all their arguing, all their complaining, the two were finally having the times of their lives. Johnny may have regretted the fact that V agreed to go and do the concert, but she was not upset about it in the slightest. Getting in touch with Nancy allowed her to get the information she needed to start on the Swedenborg quest, trying to find out who exactly this joker was. Most of it was traveling around Night City following pings off of routers, but that was exactly why it was fun. Johnny even convinced her to play the song he changed the gig’s name to. Influence certainly spreading, V didn’t linger on that minor fear, caught up in the fun of screaming the lyrics at the top of her lungs with Johnny. 

“Ah, Christ, finally,” pulling herself up, V was on yet another tall structure about to jack into yet another transmitter. Johnny was looking out onto the city, leaned against the railing once more, ever relaxed in these moments. Alerted to her presence, he turned to her.

“Look. Get far enough from the smell – even Night City can be beautiful.” He was getting damn bold, not even looking at the city and she knew it. Maybe in the next life, but in this life they were on a mission. 

“Fuck...” just as she suspected, another router, going to take her to another location. 

“Lemme guess – another router? My dick theory’s startin’ to seem like a real possibility.” 

“Everything with you is a dick. Can’t believe you made fun of me for being bi. All you ever do is say somethin’ related to genitals.” Jacked in, V hacked into the system again, getting yet another round of coordinates sent to her holo. Whoever this guy was, when she found him she’d strangle him. 

“And? Signal leads to another place?”

“Yeeep.” Even V was starting to get annoyed with this, but all the fun stuff with Johnny made up for the absolute shit disaster of the gig. And the past few days, if she was honest. Moments between her and her friends ruined by them having to peel her off whatever surface she landed on. 

“Hey, maybe this is all part of Swedenborg’s message? Life...is movement! Fuck the destination – it’s how you get there that counts.” 

Of course he was being an asshole saying this, but he wasn’t wrong. V’s destination wasn’t what made this whole thing worth it. It really was the journey that brought her to standing over some Biotechnica field, engram of Johnny Silverhand cracking jokes in her ear. 

“Well, there’s some truth to that...” Walking up to him, she punched his shoulder, which just made him roll his eyes, V feeling another kind of rant coming on. All the man ever did when he was baited was rant, and God forbid if he had a captive audience. How many times had he preached to the crowds at a Samurai concert, the kids there just so happy to hear a message they agreed with? How often did he use political discussions to trick people into a weird friendship with him? Worked with her, of all people. Someone who doesn’t really care much for these kinds of things, set in her own morals. 

“Jesus, V,” V rolled her eyes back at him, the start of this statement being one she was all too familiar with. It was the one he used when he tried to assert some kind of intellectual dominance over her, like he wasn’t also convinced that birds were government spies. “This is philosophy for the hoi polloi...Have you ever read a book in your life? You know what – don’t answer. I don’t wanna know.” 

Ignoring him, V kept on, following the coordinates to the amusement park there they found what they were looking for. A fortune teller that spouted out crazy shit to the masses. Johnny was eating it up, having the time of his life making V feed it eddies to keep spouting its “wisdom,” discussing the finer points of what this thing was spewing out. She even promised to leave it running, saying it was for him, but she couldn’t deny it was now a fond memory for her too.

“Well, given you can’t shake this fucker’s hand, and the fact we’re over here, why don’t we check out the other remains of this place. See if we can’t get some of this stuff workin’.” 

“Shit’s decayed – broken, busted, damaged. Even if you get it movin’, you think it’s a good idea to ride it?” 

“Worth a shot. ‘Sides, if I die on a roller coaster or a Ferris Wheel, I think I can live with that.” 

~~~~

Using the lovely little upgrades from Vik, V scanned the roller coaster cart, seeing it was still completely operational, minus its power source being disconnected. The track also seemed to be in working order, nothing blocking the cart’s path and nothing having fallen into the ocean. And, just her luck, the sun was setting, that same orange glow adding to the mood of the whole thing. 

She would have liked for the Ferris Wheel to be saved, but there was no getting it to work. Too bad: a sunset Ferris Wheel ride really would have made her life complete. But, settling for a roller coaster was fine by her. 

Power turned back on, V booked it back to the coaster, sliding into the seat. Her eyes could remotely activate the thing once she was secured in. She wanted to ask Johnny to join her, but it’s not like he had a choice in the matter anyway. Still, he appeared next to her, smile on his face. 

“Bet you anything you’re gonna scream like a little girl.” 

“Oh, I definitely will. What I wanna know is whether or not you’ll be screamin’ with me.” 

Activating the cart, the slow roll down the track made her stomach do flips, anticipation killing her. “Ever ride one of these when you were alive? Shit was waaaay outta date by the time I was born, and not like I could just stroll into another amusement park.”

“Once. Big place down in Texas. This coaster is chicken shit compared to the ones out there. Sure that place is long gone now, but least I got one last chance to ride this shit.” 

“Pay to get in or did you jump some fence?” 

“Even gotta ask?” 

Reaching the top, V screamed first as the cart rolled down, Johnny soon following after her. “Ha! Not the only one screamin’!”

“Raise your arms up next time, V! That’s the way to do it!” 

Following his orders, the next time she descended down a slope she raised her arms, screaming again, laughing fits taking over her through the adrenaline, heart beat racing as they approached another drop, almost as long as the first. 

“Holy shiiiiit! Fuuuuuuuck! Shoulda done this sooner!” 

“We coulda been ridin’ this damn thing everyday, V!”

Curved places in the tracks made her bump into Johnny, him falling into her as the curved switched. Sunset covered them in that orange glow again, she was reminded of the two chains around her neck, cold against her skin from the wind of Pacifica. 

Approaching the loop, V’s reflexes made her reach over, grabbing Johnny’s hand as she screamed louder than she had before, actual fear over the loop coursing through her. All Johnny did was laugh, watching her lose her damn mind over a loop. 

“Pussy!” 

“Fuck you!” 

Track coming to an end, V sat in the cart, catching her breath, head spinning from the experience. Johnny sat there with her, still hand in hand. “Shit, Johnny. Watched Yori off his dad, and somehow this still tops the list of times I’ve almost pissed my pants. Actually thought this thing would fly off the tracks.”

“And yet you were still stupid enough to ride it. You’re somethin’ else V. Let’s delta – head home. Gettin’ late, and I wanna see Nibbles.” 

“Yeah, sure. Lemme just get outta here.” Unlatching herself, V stood, the world spinning as she did. The Relic’s fuckery acting up, Johnny faded back into the cart, trying to hold her up, but V fell back, hearing her name being screamed at her, trying hard not to close her eyes. Battle lost, everything went dark.

~~~~

Warm water dripped from the shower head, her hair having been washed, but no conditioner applied. She could tell by the way it felt when she brushed it from her eyes, not feeling its slick touch. Seated, V realized she couldn’t very well get up right now, but she didn’t remember getting here. At least she knew it was her shower, the brand of body wash and shampoo the same she used, knowing well what the drain looked like. 

“Johnny...” 

“Outside. Don’t worry, didn’t peep.” His voice was outside the stall, and she could faintly see him sitting on the sink, waiting for her to come to.

His comment seemed strange, given she was in the damn shower, but then she felt her bra was still on – underwear too. “I’ve been naked in front of you before...Not like it woulda been --”

“Definitely woulda been different. Had to wash you off, though. Ass took a nose dive off the back of the damn cart, landin’ right into the ocean. Episodes are gettin’ worse, V. Been in the shower for...shit, maybe four hours? At some point your body just gave out, and even I couldn’t move you. Water still hot?” 

“Yeah...least you got me back home...” Trying to move again, it was useless, stuck in the shower for a bit. “Can’t move my limbs for me?” 

“Can’t move what’s not gonna move, even if I took over again.” 

“No way to drag me outta here? Put conditioner on my hair, at least? Didn’t do that. How’d you even keep your hair that soft?”

Johnny chuckled, sliding off the sink. “Arms gave out ‘fore I could really get it in there. Small movements allowed, but nothin’ major. Didn’t shower daily, by the way – somehow that kept my hair in pristine condition. Jealous?”

“Kinda...bastard.” Trying again, she at least knocked the bottle onto the shower floor, able to move it closer to her. Resting a bit, she looked over to where Johnny just stood outside of the stall. “Think I gotta...call Hanako. You’re right...this is gettin’ worse. Need all our options – fast.” A coughing fit, and more blood leaked from her mouth. 

“Not really gonna go with what she offers you, right?” 

“Prolly not, but if I play my cards right mind find somethin’ we can use. She seems pretty damn desperate, given the state of her family and the company she runs. Might let somethin’ slip...”

Slowly regaining control, V was able to put the conditioner in her hair, not able to move from the stream to let it sit in there long, but it was better than Johnny’s job. Hand reaching back, she was also able to throw her bra out of the shower, the wet fabric plopping on the floor. Lathering her body, she tried to wash herself again, knowing falling into the ocean was a terrible fate. 

“If that porcelain bitch --”

“Won’t let her nab me – won’t let her touch me. Calm it down.” Rising, slowly, V shed her underwear, joining its mate outside the stall. Shutting off the water, she palmed for her towel, her other arm extended forward to keep her upright. Grasping it with some help from Johnny’s guiding hand, she lazily dried herself off, wrapping it around her body to trudge her way over to her bed. Nibbles was there in the little basket, bowl full of food. 

“Mean to tell me you fed Nibbles first? See where your priorities lie.” Flopping down, she rolled until her whole body was completely on the bed, not caring if she was getting the bedding wet. 

“Wouldn’t leave me alone. Figure we didn’t need a damn cat in the shower with you, clawin’ you for food.” Lounging on her bed, Johnny’s pose seemed relaxed, but she knew better. That familiar pit was in his stomach as well. “Gonna go to sleep?” 

“Is it bad I don’t want to? Dunno what’ll happen when I close my eyes. Dunno if I’ll be the one openin’ them again. Relic’s really takin’ over – you know it is. Either Imma die, or you’re gonna be runnin’ the show.”

“Always a fuckin’ pessimist. Not that far gone, and you know it. Quit bein’ dramatic and go to bed.” 

That made her laugh, albeit weak. “Gonna knock my ass out like you did that night in the motel room, waitin’ for Panam?” 

“Fuckin’ might.” 

An empty threat if she ever heard one. Tossing around again, V positioned herself normally in the bed, head on the pillow. Johnny was still there next to her, sitting there. “Might be...the last night we spend like this...”

“I know.” 

“If it is --”

“Sleep. Just...go to sleep, V.”

“Johnny...”

“Won’t force you, but you need it. Really will be the last night if you don’t.”

“Be here when I wake up?” 

“Can’t very well leave, can I? Be here for you as long as I live.”

“That sounds...nice.”


	14. I Will Follow You into the Dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, the ending of this. Really glad I wrote this fic second because having the hurt linger for long while I tried to finish the other would have been terrible. Still, I hope all those who read on enjoyed this little fic <3 it was fun to write, and I enjoyed a lot of moments from it. On to the next thing, I suppose! Oh, and if you want a double whammy of hurt, I played the song this chapter is named after while writing and editing and it hurt.

The pills and gun from Vik laid beside her, Misty’s parting words and advice, the view of the city in front of her, and all she could focus on was Johnny. Sitting there, the words “Secure Your Soul” flashing behind him, and V was lost. No longer could her problems be ignored; the inevitable prolonged to a point where she could no longer just live in a fantasy world where none of this had happened to her. Choices were to be made here, and V wanted to make none of them. 

She had all her options now, and none of them worked in her favor. None of them what she really wanted. Hanako offered her Arasaka’s assistance if she discussed Saburo’s assassination, told her where Mikoshi was as well – and only one of those two pieces of information were worthwhile to her. Panam offered her help as well, and Judy’s offer to help her out was useless with what they had. Hellman’s blueprints would take time that she didn’t have, just sitting there on a shard that she couldn’t use, having half a mind to snap it in two. Rogue could help them storm ‘Saka Tower again, having the expertise to do so, but then she’d be risking her life as well. 

Body leaning forward, V’s shaking hands gripped her hair, eyes screwing closed. She didn’t know what to do. Tugging on the roots of her hair, V tried to come back to reality, stop the panic attack she knew was coming on. Knew that if she wasn’t pushed, just a little, she’d stay on this roof until her mind was fully gone. Breathing picking up, the hot tears poured from her eyes, chest heaving and choked noises in her throat. All her efforts, and for what? Nothing. 

“Secure Your Soul.” A fallacy – a misnomer. The Relic did nothing of the sort: it was killing two souls. 

Guttural screaming, V tugged harder, trying so damn hard to think of something, anything, to change their fates. How does one pick who gets to live and die? To play God in the cruelest sense? 

“Hey, hey,” Johnny’s hands wrapped over her own, thumbs rubbing circles into the backs of her hands, relaxing them until he could coax them out of her hair. Placing them on her lap, gently, his metal hand resting on one of her knees, his organic hand under her chin, getting her to look at him. “Don’t gotta make these decisions alone. Told you, my life for yours. Don’t think on who’s walkin’ out alive. It’ll be you.” 

“Johnny...if we do that...you’ll be --”

“Gone, I know. No matter how we do this, which choice you make, plan’s still the same.” 

Lump in her throat, V swallowed it, moving one hand to rest over the one on her knee. “Made that plan what seems like ages ago. Dunno if...it still applies, ya know? And...still gotta make a choice on how to do this whole thing. Is there even a right call?” 

Johnny moved the hand on her chin to rest on her cheek, thumb rubbing her jaw. “Told you before – you’ll do what you think is right. Just know, I’ll follow you wherever you go.”

“Don’t have a choice there, choom.”

“Doesn’t matter if I did. My choice would be the same. It’ll always be you.” 

~~~~

V was in the Net. Jacked in, safe and sound. Safe and sound as she could be, anyway, but entirely alone. Her thoughts all her own now. Johnny wasn’t here with her, and yet she could still feel him in her – lingering below the surface.

Now her question was on his whereabouts. If she was here in the Net, he must also be here in the Net, but she couldn’t find him. Finally, she understood why his emotions felt so different than her own, her digitized psyche feeling things in phantom sensations. She was curious and afraid, but they felt like watered down versions of their real life counterparts. Eventually, her emotions would become stronger, more realistic, she knew, but for now they felt so dulled down. 

Alt’s voice led her down a path, reciting a poem, one she knew and didn’t the same time. One she finished with her own words “In room women come and go. Talking of Michelangelo,” recited monotone. A love song about a man who was frustrated with himself. Though, she didn’t know the title. A lamentation on the fate of every soul. For whom was she reciting this poem? V could not tell. Could never tell – for it fit them both so utterly perfect. 

Road nearing it’s end, V smiled, Johnny’s form with his back to her. Hand on his shoulder, he turned, emotion blooming in that dark Net, feeling everything in full again.

“Miss me?” 

“Oh, V.” 

~~~~

Six months. That’s all she had left. Six months, no matter what. 

“Alt, give us a minute. V and I need to talk.” 

She learned something. Data can’t cry in the Net. Found this out holding her face, trying so hard to sob. “Johnny...called me a pessimist. But, heh, look who was right.” 

He’s the one who said they needed to talk, but he sat there, mute, while V just held her face for a bit. “Fuck, six months...That’s...What am I supposed to do with half a year of life...”

“Look what you did with only a few weeks. Changed so much for so many. Who fuckin’ knows what you’ll do with some time on your side.” 

Wiping her eyes, dry of course but the action still felt needed, she looked at her companion from across the table. It felt like she was seeing him for the first time, separate from herself. She couldn’t pick up on his emotions or thoughts like she could before. Couldn’t look into his soul and wrap it around herself for comfort, something she didn’t know she did until she could no longer do it. 

“I guess...I can’t just expect you to know what I’m really tryin’ to say anymore...Can’t see it with you anymore. It’s weird.” She wanted him to know she wasn’t upset about the time frame itself, but more the implication. Six months...and she wouldn’t have him by her side. Six months, and because they found no way to save him before, and she doubted she could do it now. “My biggest fear --”

“Is wakin’ up with me gone, I know. But, did you really think we’d find some way to coexist? I mean, fuck V, can’t live without a body. Not gonna...take yours from you. Six months...”

Her face morphed like she would cry, but still nothing came out. “Six months and I can’t listen to you bitch ‘n moan.”

“Call you a cunt.” 

“Tell me how dumb I am.”

“Listen to your base interpretations of things.”

“Have you there when I fall...”

“Walk along beside you...”

Fuck she wanted to cry so damn bad. “What if I don’t want my life anymore? Somewhere along the way, I came to peace with the fact that maybe you might take over...Still was afraid of it, sure, but there was still some kinda peace knowin’ you’d have another shot at doin’ somethin’ great. More than I could ever hope for.” 

“Jesus, V,” Johnny rose from the table, the whole structure glitching away. Standing far from her, she followed the path to him, resting her head on his back, arms around him. “We don’t have much time. Plan’s still the same. My life for yours.”

“Plans...change. Things between us have...not gone accordin’ to plan. You’re a lot stronger than --”

“I’m not.”

“You are. Could do more with more time. Keep tellin’ me how gonk I am --”

“V, ever think I’m a lyin’ bastard?” 

“Just, let me go with Alt. Give all I have to you. Let you be my living legacy.”

Digitized hands grabbed her arms, removing them from his body. Turning around, Johnny embraced her, holding her close to his chest, his arms cradling her near as she had done to him. “You talk all this shit ‘bout how you don’t wanna live without me. Gotta say, I am the weaker one. If I woke up without you...Wouldn’t make it those six months. Wouldn’t make it six minutes. Six seconds.” 

“You think I can? You think I want that?”

“Neither of us do. But we all gotta die someday. I’ve already been dead for a long time. Lived twice. Best part of my life was your life. If I fade into the Net, go with Alt beyond the Blackwall, got a lot to think about.”

Holding him tighter, a python’s grip, determined to never let him go, V just kept her head on his chest, time spent here maybe used to let them fade away together, a better fate than what awaited her in the outside world. “Johnny...” her voice sounded like she was crying, but damn if her face was still dry.

“Johnny...I can’t.” 

“You can. You will. One last trip together – to the well. Hold your hand like a little girl if you need it.”

“I don’t wanna say goodbye...Please, take my place. Please.” 

“Can’t do that, V. Can’t do it. I’d waste it all away, wishin’ you were there. And I’m a real stubborn piece of shit, too. Resent you for it the rest of my time alive.” 

She laughed, a sad laugh, but she knew it was true. He was incorrigible and stubborn. Likely to use her body for some joyride before the despair set in. Still, she wanted him to have it. Head removed from his chest, still in his arms, she looked up at him, touched his cheek, everything feeling so real here in the Net. So badly did she want to pull him down, give him a parting gift, but she still couldn’t bring herself to do it. Making the inevitable real. 

“Please, Johnny...I don’t know what to do. Where do I even go from here?” 

“You fight. Fight like you’ve been doin’. Fight like I know you can. Did more of a number on Arasaka than I ever could. Thought for a long time I fought for the common man, but really I just fought for my own right to scream. You, V, are the true fighter among us. Wanted so bad to teach you a little somethin’ ‘bout rebellion. Think that...you’re the one who taught me. Never seen someone fight so damn hard for the people around them. And you’ll keep doin’ it.” Johnny let go, appearing over at the well, beckoning V forward. 

She followed him into that darkness, reaching out her hand to take his. To fight. He wanted her to fight. How could she fight when all she had been fighting for was going to be ripped away, never to be seen again? So often he told her that her drive would be going away, and fuck if it really wasn’t now. 

“Any partin’ words for me, V?”

“How could I even put what I want to say into words? I’m stupid as shit, ‘member?” She never found the right moment to tell him how much she loved him. Frozen now, she couldn’t do it either. Not as she helped her sit on the edge of the well, holding her hand so tight. “You wanna talk fight? Fight me, Johnny. Fight to go. Please.”

“So you can put up some piss poor defense and push me into that well? Not a chance. Seen you throw your fair number of fights. This is one you can’t pretend to lose.”

“I feel like the loser.” 

“And maybe you are. But maybe somethin’ll be waitin’ for you on the other side. Somethin’ better than what I can offer.” 

“Bullshit. That’s fuckin’ bullshit.” One final time he embraced her, but only for a moment, letting her go to help her lie down in that well, V reaching out to grasp him, pull him with her. His form immobile, she just fell back, nothing to come along with her. “Johnny, please...” 

Sinking down, she held her hand out, his reaching down one last time to brush her fingers. “Goodbye, V. And never stop fightin’.”

The coolant of Mikoshi was her awakening back into her body. Frantic, desperate, she looking around, thrashing like a snake who had its head cut off, nerves still firing as a final attempt to regain consciousness. “Johnny!? Johnny!” V saw nothing but the empty walls of the database. 

“Johnny!” 

Sobs finally came from her, a nascent scream leaving her lips, calling out for the one person she wanted. Reborn anew, helpless and scared, and there was no one to come and hold her close. Hold her as she entered this new nightmare. 

~~~~ 

Judy was her new lifeline. Judy and Kerry, really, but she was on Judy’s couch now for the third day in a row. Bottle near her empty, she groaned, trying hard not to have her first waking moments of this day be the same as the others; sneaking out to grab another bottle of something strong. 

“Mornin’. You feelin’ alright?” A cup of water handed to her, Judy placed some pills in her hand. Pills taken, V just shrugged, not feeling anything really. Numbness. The sinking feeling of knowing that when she woke, if Judy was gone, she was utterly alone. 

“What’s the plan for today?” V didn’t have a plan, so she didn’t answer Judy’s question. At least Judy was kind enough to tell her about her own plans, something about having a late night tonight, but if V needed her to call. She’d drop everything to come back. Sour taste in her mouth, V rose, going to the bathroom to brush her teeth, something that wasn’t burying her sorrows. Maybe she needed to shower, but Judy didn’t complain about it, one more day not really hurting her. 

“V, hey. Holo’s beepin’. Not a call, though. Some kinda reminder. Want it?” 

Biting her lip, V tried to think about what gig she would have left running. She closed out everything before she...yeah. There was nothing she left open. 

“Uh sure...Prolly just somethin’ Vik put up there, maybe. I’ll look at it.” Judy handed V the holo, kissing her cheek before leaving the apartment. Back on Judy’s couch, V looked at the fish tank, its glow reminding her of…She looked at her holo.

What the hell was this? The gig was titled “Heart of Glass.” Must have been before…Opening the gig, she read the description. 

_Ah, V. My little merc. Not gonna lie – first thing I wrote here when you asked me put somethin’ nice down was a dick. Erased it. Had somethin’ else written here too. Couple things, actually. Kept erasin’ shit ‘til I realized there’s no real way to tell you all I want to say. But, so we’re clear, you did accomplish what you set out for on this gig. You made the world a better place for all those you met. Even that fuckin’ pig. Think you know the one person you changed the most – cunt. Leave you with two things. First, from me. Promised my life for yours, and I hope that promise is honored. Gonna be real pissed if I’m readin’ this. Take your time, be nice to you damn self for once. You always do too much. Second, I’ll quote from somethin’. Sometimes things are better put by others._

_How features are abroad  
I am skilless of, but, by my modesty,   
The jewel in my dower, I would not wish   
Any companion in the world but you,   
Nor can imagination form a shape  
Besides yourself to like of. _

_See you in the next life, V._

_-Your rockerboy  
J.S. ___

__

__Grip tight on her holo, his parting words to her ringing in her ears. She knows Judy just left, but she called her anyway, needing her back. Johnny was still out there – he had to be. She’d get him back, fix herself too. Six months her ass. In six months she’d have Johnny back with her, bodies intact._ _

__He asked her to fight, and fight she would._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *plays the Johnny Cash version of Hurt on repeat* I hate that I do this to myself. Anyway, thank you to all who read along with this little journey :3 I appreciate it all, and I'm so happy I got the chance to contribute something more to this fandom. Til next time!


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